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 Posted: Sat Jul 09, 2011 9:30 am
Status || Open for crit
Last Edit || 21st August - More revisions made
30th July - Personality Revised
28th July - Biography Rewritten
14th July - Personality and Biography Revised
11th July - Personality Added
9th July - Quest created
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Posted: Sat Jul 09, 2011 9:30 am
 Name: Theofratus Menniadis
Race: Majin, believes he's human
Position: {hopefully} Black Heart
Stage: Witch, aspiring Black Heart
Gender: Male
Biography: As the seventh of thirteen children, being born into a family as one of the very many middle children was never easy, much less when you had a twin brother to look after. From the beginning, Theofratus was always responsible for something or another, seeing as their ever expanding family required innumerable chores to be done; the laundry, cooking, cleaning, just trying to contain the chaos that abounded within the building housing seventeen. His parents, his maternal grandparents and his twelve siblings all constantly required something or another, leaving Theo very little time for himself. A strong sense of responsibility was thus ingrained in him from a young age. Mostly, he was responsible for his fraternal twin, Philemon. They were twins, but they differed vastly in personality and looks. They didn’t even seem related.
On those rare occasions he had some free time, he’d spend it with his brother, just playing and having fun. They did everything together, from climbing trees to get an apple to jumping into the pond for fun, Phil always followed his lead. Overall, he had a fairly normal childhood. His closest friend was his brother, the one he confided everything in, the one he dragged to accompany him in whatever mad escapade he’d planned. Hiding from their parents and getting stuck in trees? Check. Getting hit when he stood up for Phil? Check. Shoving any sort of blame about one of his escapades on Phil? Check. Not that it worked too well, given Phil’s personality and Theo’s tendency to take charge. It didn’t seem to matter than he looked so different from Phil. They were the best of friends, partners in crime. Where you found one, the other was usually nearby. Theo was always very protective of his younger, more fragile looking brother simply because he felt responsible as the elder one. He would never stand for anyone picking on Phil for whatever reason.
This protective instinct made him aspire to become a Reaper, a Black Heart if possible. Especially after the incident. It occurred one day when he and Phil were out for a walk, indulging in Phil’s love for herbs even though Theo hated such things. But he put up with it, accompanying Phil as they tramped through the forest, trying to stop Phil from crashing into trees and tripping over the roots that sprawled around the forest floor. They stumbled around, searching for herbs when they came across a witch eater. The witch eater lunged for Phil, attempting to rip out Phil’s heart to consume it. A struggle ensued, where finally they managed to chase off the witch eater. This made Theo even more determined to protect his younger sibling, the other half of him.
But what really happened? The truth was distorted in Theo’s memories. Flickers of what truly had occurred often plagued Theo’s dreams, causing him to awaken in cold sweat, unable to remember what happened save for some tiny fragments in his mind. The utter terror in Phil’s eyes, his shaky voice begging him to stop, not to lose himself to…
There the memory blurred out, waking Theo and leaving him shaking and afraid. He never understood these fragments, unwilling to share them with even Phil. And Phil never spoke of that afternoon again. What he didn’t know was the fact that he had been the witch eater in the story, that he was the one who had attempted to take away Phil’s heart. It pained him too much to remember that he was the one who’d nearly harmed Phil, so his mind distorted the memory, replacing him with a witch eater that never was. Being so close to a source of pure magic, Theo lost his humanity as the hunger consumed him, losing that essential part of him that kept him from giving in to the subconscious desires he never fully realized. Only Phil’s desperate pleading had broken through, snapping him to his senses once more.
However, his memory was vague and spotty when he tried to recall what had happened. The only thing he could ever remember from that afternoon was hunger, a terrifying hunger that threatened to consume him from the inside out. His subconscious plagued him with the true set of events, even as hard as he tried to deny it. But the false memory was the one thing that spurred him to go to the Makai Royal Academy. He favoured the more physical aspects of his studies, quickly outstripping most of his peers out in the training grounds. However, he struggled with sitting still in the classes long enough to garner the information for him to pass his written papers. Even so, he managed to get out of the Makai Royal Academy before Phil. Since he believed Phil to be safe near the great school, he moved to Moonfall and set his sights on getting into Poena Privus Castle Ruins as a Reaper, or better yet as a Black Heart.
Even now, he still hasn’t fully realized what really happened in the forest that day. The fragments aren’t enough for him to piece together something really concrete, but enough to make him fear himself. He believes he is human, even though that belief is wavering. But what of his majin side, the one that craves hearts and magic? Unconsciously, he seeps off people's magic. Even Theo himself doesn't realize what is happening. Still, a deep-seated anxiety and fear spurs him forward on his journey in fulfilling his aspirations to become one of the elusive Black Hearts. He would do anything to protect Phil, and secretly also deny his probable majin side as much as he can.
Ability Concentration/Theme: Theo specializes in fire magics, using a blue flame to enhance his attacks. He is one of those people who are completely offense and no defense. He can pretty much do anything with the fire, save for really big spells that require huge amounts of energy and concentration. And anything to do with defending himself besides throwing up a wall of flame. Which is a pretty huge deterrent.
Personality:
Impatient - Whoever that said patience was a virtue clearly never met Theo before. He wants things, and he wants them NOW. If he thinks it's something worth him waiting for he will wait, but none too happily. But when he wants things there and then, he expects it or that will just put him in a bad mood for the rest of the day. He isn’t a violent person, but push him enough, you’ll find yourself slapped or punched from sheer frustration.
Hot-headed - Theo's got one hell of a temper. He has a fairly short fuse and it doesn't take much to set him off. His temper is even shorter with those people who know him well and those he cares for, because he hates seeing them behave stupidly and will rant and rave at them about the sheer stupidity of what they are doing. If he doesn't like you, he's just a cold stranger. He doesn't let the anger cloud his thinking much. If he loses his temper, it usually means the word filters and any semblance of self-control is gone and you're in for one hell of a verbal dressing down. No one's really exempt from this, except for maybe Kia. Theo's scared of scaring her and making her cry, and the one thing he doesn’t know how to handle is crying people.
Blunt - Painfully direct, Theo's never been one to skirt the issue and bandy with words. He tells you his honest opinion even though it's painful to hear. Sarcasm is a language he speaks very fluently. He doesn't know the meaning of the word tact, nor can he drop hints. This makes him come off as rather insensitive, especially when he says exactly what he’s thinking. The words can be very painful and degrading, shredding a person into pieces with just a few sentences.
Loyal - He's fiercely loyal to those who he cares about, and those are few enough. You've got a friend in Theo if you manage to gain it. He's one of those forever friends people. If you break his trust, he will consider you as though you are someone who is dead. To him, you have pretty much died. There is just no middle ground.
Reliable - A rather surprising trait, given Theo's personality. He can be counted on to get something done, no matter how much he moans and whinges about it. Even if he is pissed at you for something, if he promised it, he will deliver. But if you need something in the middle of the emergency, you'll find him screaming at everyone else to get things done instead of flying into a panic with the rest of the world. He is a man of his word.
Kind - Theo's kindness is rather strange going up to the point people may not even call it kindness. It's not your conventional kindness, one where you give out hugs and sweets and make everyone feel good. Theo's kindness is harsher. But once you understand it, he's actually quite a kind person. He doesn't give you what you ask for, but what you need. Maybe it isn't the one thing you want, but after he does it, you realize it was what you really needed. No one gets away with hugs and kisses from Theo. He's not a touchy-feely person, nor does he like being touched.
Stubborn – Theo is just about the most stubborn jackass you will ever have the fortune or misfortune to meet. He never apologizes, always believes he is right and refuses to budge even an inch if he’s made up his mind. Nothing and no one can change his mind. He will refuse to talk about the matter, believing it settled. Even when it is clear that he is wrong, he will refuse to admit it or apologize because he has too much pride to say admit he was wrong about something.
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Posted: Sat Jul 09, 2011 9:31 am
OPEN FOR CRIT NOW SHOOT ME.
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Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2011 3:18 pm
So Theo is Philemon's twin? That's pretty awesome, gotta say. I like the connection between the two.
You have a sort of contradiction in your history. You say that Phil nearly having his heart eaten is what spurs Theo to become a reaper, but you also say that he suppresses the memories so much that he doesn't remember them at all. So how does that work with what you said before? Is it a subconscious desire to become a reaper? Does he somewhere know that something terrible happened, and that's what's driving him to become a reaper?
You sort of explain it later, when you talk about how he believes it was someone else instead of himself, but just a bit more clarification would be good.
Your personality also needs a bit more depth to them. You have things laid out with not enough explanation behind them, and I'd like to see a bit more in regards to what exactly you mean when you say that Theo's kindness is unconventional.
His impatient trait contradicts pretty much every other positive trait, especially the kind one. You say that he wants things, and wants them now or risk his fury, which to me sounds the opposite of being kind or reliable. The same with his hotheadedness. If you can't rely on someone to stay calm in a certain situation, can you rely on them during other situations?
You have a really good start, but it just needs more clarification and detail with regards to his personality.
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Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2011 6:31 am
Thanks Kuro bby.
Revisions have been made, so kindly offer some more crit? 8D
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Posted: Sun Jul 17, 2011 3:38 pm
HI EWA 8D
Okay so! I like his history, seems like there might be a nasty shock or two in store for him down the line, and I like that little twist :3
I'd like to see a bit more about his kindness -- maybe some examples? I think I know what you're getting at, but I think some actual examples, or maybe a short RP sample where he shows that trait, will really help flesh it out a bit better. And perhaps you mean that he's helpful, rather than kind -- to me, at least, kind usually implies a sort of gentle, friendly help, whereas his is just medicine with no sugar.
I agree with Kuro in that his impatient and hot-headed traits seem to contradict his reliable trait. While I see how they work together, for some reason it doesn't seem to...mm, fit, if that makes sense? Like they do work, but it doesn't feel very cohesive to me? I'm not sure how to make them fit together better, though D:
I would suggest maybe changing 'kind' to 'good-hearted' or 'helpful', and maybe combine 'reliable' with his loyal trait? As in he might be impatient when he wants things, but when it comes to friends and promises, he always keeps his word?
...this went all over the place OTL I hope it helps!
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Posted: Sun Jul 17, 2011 8:41 pm
Let's get down to business, - no not to defeat the hun hehe
A few spelling errors;
So one day, they had a little fre time and decided to go play in the woods. Well, take a walk to gather herbs for Phil's studies.
free time
As the possibility of even coming close to consuming Phil's heart was too much for him to bear, he supressed the memories, leaving a memory blank in place of that afternoon.
suppressed
Moving on ! :3
Your Bio is kind of jumpy, like you go from him being a neglected child of large family then to one day in the woods, then to him trying to eat a heart, then jumping into what he is doing now. Maybe it would be good to like have a little more of the gaps filled in here. What I mean by that would be explain a bit more about their family, then go deeper into his brothers relationship. Then you could shift into a flash back while talking about their relationship, then after tell how that relationship is now, obvious he is probably more protective of Phil now than then.
A few questions;
* Seventeen people in a family - Assuming its not full of adults they are just the only twins right? Or are you meaning the entire family is living in this house, aunts and uncles included?
*Were they neglected/ ignored on purpose or was it simply that their parents had so many children they just kind of faded to the back ? How does he feel about the rest of his family?
*What chores did they have to do? This is more for curiosity like were they treated so poorly that they were forced to cook and clean and other 'slave' type things as 'chores' or ?
* What exactly did Phil tell him happened, if he can't remember? - Where was he suppose to be when this happened considering you say they spend almost all their free time together, does he not find it weird that he wasn't there or maybe Phil told him he was there and something happened blacking him out??
*So he was snapped from eating the heart, around what age was this, and how did they move on with life after ? Another words did he simply push this memory back from that day on and they carried on like normal? Or..did it take a few years to do and now that he is older its just completely gone besides what haunts him in his dreams sometime?
*Another thing, he doesn't know that he was that witch eater, BUT what about his hunger for hearts how is that now, since Majin has that desire or was it kind of suppressed to ? Since he thinks he is human it'd be good to answer this question in the main Bio and add in that he believes he is human.
*Okie ! He wants to get rid of the witch eaters for his revenge so to speak, HOW does this affect his view on Majin in general then since they all have to possibility of becoming witch eaters? He is maybe not so nice to them, or maybe he just ignores them all together, or perhaps he just doesn't like witch eaters?
*Other than going to become a reaper, black heart, what are his other goals? Short term and long term wise, what is he doing in the mean time does he have a job in the area or does he just float about doing random things or does he still spend most of his time with his brother?
*"But some night, fragments of the memory haunt him, filling him with unease" - Explain this more please <333 does it make him start doubting himself or whatever Phil told him ?
* Is he so Impatient then to resort to violence to get what he wants or just maybe sourly harassing whatever it might be to get what he wants or just huffing up? I know you say An especially bad mood which makes me think he might turn violent to get what he wants.
*Does his ill temper even happen towards Phil ? 'But the more pissed he is at you, the more he cares. ' - so to that he's kind of like a school yard child that picks on their crush then ? Like a the more you get yelled at by him that just means he is worried, I'm sure he gets taken wrong by those he does care for because of this trait, when that happens how does he deal with it?
* So his kindness is more maybe that of a tough love kindness then, does he use this with Phil ? Or would he bend to his brother or in the future would he give kisses and hugs to someone he finds that becomes his 'someone' ? Or will he be this way with even them ?
* Is there anything that would cause him to break his loyalty to someone and what would that be ?
* Curiosity question here; How would he act if a known Majin became friends with his brother? - this to do with the previous about how he feels about them- Would he trust the Majin not to harm him or would he be against the friendship?
I think overall this is a great start, just maybe add in a bit more detail here and there and it'll be brilliant! :3 Hope this helps you a bit !
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Posted: Fri Jul 29, 2011 6:06 pm
Thank you Cheekie, Lost. <33
More revisions made. I'll probably link to examples of his personality in RP later as we go along.
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Posted: Sat Jul 30, 2011 7:04 am
My only irk is in the biography section. I can tell you wrote this section once and then again to try and flesh it out more but what happened was you ended up getting a fair bit of redundancy in the story. The meat of it is good, you just need some re-arranging to make it flow better and eliminate the redundancies. Aaaand since I suck at making general commentary, I just went through it and edited it the way I thought looked best. You can use it if you want, but mainly I was hoping that by doing the below you'd be able to understand where (and why) I saw redundancies and flow issues.
The red stuff is mostly cutting/rearranging/grammar and blue is just my personal tweaking to make certain parts a bit stronger (again, totally imo you can take it or leave it I won't even care).
--
But what really happened? The truth had been was distorted in Theo’s memories. Flickers of what truly had occurred often plagued Theo’s dreams, causing him to awaken in a cold sweat, unable to remember what happened save for the some tiny fragments in his mind.: The utter terror in Phil’s eyes, his shaky voice begging him to stop, not to lose himself to...
Break.
There the memory blurred out, waking Theo and leaving him shaking and afraid. He never understood these fragments, and since Phil never spoke refused to speak of that afternoon again he remained in the dark. (I tweaked this cause I'm making an assumption that Theo probably told Phil about these fragments and Phil, not wanting to hurt his twin, just flat out refused to talk about it. The way you had it before made it seem more like Theo didn't talk about it and since Phil didn't either it remains sort of floating above his head like a little storm cloud. If that's the case you can totally ignore this.) The only thing he could remember was hunger, a terrifying hunger that threatened to consume him from the inside out. What he didn’t knowrefused to remember was the fact that he had been the witch eater in the story, that he was the one who had attempted to take away Phil’s heart. Being so close to such a pure source of magic, the hunger had consumed him and for a moment he’d lost his humanity, that essential part of him that kept him going from day to day. Only Phil’s desperate pleading had broken through, snapping him to his senses once more.
Paragraph break.
Since it pained him too much to remember that he was the one who’d nearly harmed Phil, so his mind distorted the memory, and replaced him with a witch eater that never was. The hunger had consumed him, being so close to such a pure source of magic that he’d lost his humanity, that essential part of him that kept him going from day to day. Only Phil’s desperate pleading had broken through, snapping him to his senses once more. I moved this to the previous paragraph.However, it had all been a blur when he tried to recall what had happened that night. You can cut this, you already mentioned that the memory was a blur.The only thing he could remember was hunger, a terrifying hunger that threatened to consume him from the inside out. I moved this. How could he have gone on, knowing that it was he who had nearly killed Phil? You can cut this sentence. I love engaging the readers with questions to them but it's not needed. His mind blurred the memories, substituting them for other things until it formed what he remembered. You can cut this sentence, the first sentence in this paragraph conveys what you want (imo). But his subconscious continually plagued him with the true set of events, even as hard as he tried to deny it. But that was it, the one thing the false memort was strong enough that it spurred him to go to the Makai Royal Academy. He favoured the more physical aspects of his studies, quickly outstripping most of his peers out in the training grounds. However, he struggled with sitting still in the classes long enough to garner the information for him to pass his written papers. Even so, he managed to get out of the Makai Royal Academy before Phil. Since he believed Phil to be safe near the great school, he moved to Moonfall and set his sights on getting into Poena Privus Castle Ruins as a Reaper, or better yet as a Black Heart.
Up until Even now, he still hasn’t realized what really happened in the forest that day. He firmly believes he is human. But what of his majin side, the one that craves hearts and magic? Unconsciously, he seeps off people's magic. Even Theo himself doesn't realize what is happening. Still, a deep-seated anxiety and fear spurs him forward on his journey in fulfilling his aspirations to become one of the elusive Black Hearts.
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Posted: Tue Aug 02, 2011 10:45 pm
Okay, first off, fire is fun; blue fire is funner. Just had to say it.
I know a lot of background work has been done, I read this pre-personality, but I'm going to poke at a few more details~
From the top;
WHY, exactly, is he 'mostly responsible' for Phil? If they are twins, they are at most only a few hours apart in age. Phil may be a bit clumsy and trusting, but he is capable of taking care of himself. And when he wasn't old enough to do so, neither was Theo. I'm not saying Theo can't be responsible for him, but why is he at that point? Has he already named himself Phil's protector or is it a parental dictate? We're still in the first paragraph, what has Phil already done to himself?! xD
For that matter, why do they look so different? Is there a story behind it? Is it related to their teas? Will Phil's growth look more like him?
I really have no idea if you can or want to address any of that in his background, but I am curious as to why.
Anyway, back on track; the only other thing that bugs me is the last paragraph. You stated a few times that Theo subconsciously DOES realized he had a part in hurting Phil then. Is it maybe a dawning realization that he's slowly allowing himself to remember and he still hasn't realized WHY things happened the way they did in the forest that day? It's very contradictory to say "he still hasn’t realized what really happened in the forest that day" when above that you say "His subconscious plagued him with the true set of events, even as hard as he tried to deny it." If he is working to deny it, he acknowledges it on some level.
Moving on to his personality, I think you're not going to believe me when I say he needs a flaw or two xD While some of the traits you posted can be negative, you presented everything with a positive spin. Maybe you could explore the positive and negative aspects of each trait instead?
Just a few points that could use just a bit more clarity, he has definitely improved!
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Posted: Sat Aug 20, 2011 11:26 pm
Okay, lotsa editing done. Background rephrased, stuff added. Personality.. Well, added another trait of his.
SO, crit is asked for and much loved. <33
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