[Q] Adiyan - Fu Dog [Ready] Crits please

[naggeela]

AMITYVILLE ACADEMY ENROLLMENT FORM

Name: Adiyan
Nicknames: N/A
Gender: Male
Age: 14

Faction/Race Monsters / Fu Dog

Natural Ability: Shapeshifting - Able to change from his natural form to a more humanoid one and one that is very much in between the both of those forms.

Personality: Adyian is a kind and considerate person. He likes to meet new people and is willing try new things, but he is very cautious when in a new place. Because of how he is bullied by his peers at home as he is the runt of the clan. One he is comfortable in knowing where the escapes routes are he will start talking more than greetings others very politely. With those that Adyian knows that come with him to a new place he is a lot more relaxed to talking with others he doesn’t know than he would alone. Very pleasant to talk with and curious to learn about any new information to him, as he will politely ask if he could ask questions and tell them if they didn’t want to answer any of his questions then he would just drop it and move on. Coming from a very isolated forest mountain home he hardly got to know other races that well other than his own except for the rare trip down to the village at the base of the mountain or from the books that are housed in the clan’s library and just loves to read anything that he can get his claws on. Adyian likes to be around others, but there are times that he just likes to be with himself. One thing that you will constantly see on his person somewhere is a smooth stone ball that represents a flower of life that he will get once he becomes an adult.

It is in his blood to be a guardian to those that are in need either it be protection or just help in general as he would even help someone he didn't like if they really needed help. He is very loyal to his family and friends and would do anything for them. It’s really hard for Adyian to ask for help from others as it makes him uncomfortable and makes him feel not very useful when he is supposed to be the one helping, not asking for it and he thinks it makes him weak for asking too.

Adyian likes to keep an open mind for all things and to see all possibilities before going into action, whether it be talking out a problem or showing up for it if he really must. He keeps to the rules the best that he can and will break them only if he really must do so.

A big problem that Adyian has is that he has a big temper. It takes a while for him to get to the point that he goes into a blind rage where he can’t tell friend from foe. If its possible and if mad enough, Adyian will lose his concentration of his shapeshifting to revert back to his natural form if its possible for him to do so. It rarely gets to that point but once it does it takes a lot of calmness or something shocking, like getting ice water thrown on him to finally return him to his senses. He is not proud of his temper, as he sees it as a hindrance since it could hurt those he is trying to protect or help. He will try to hide his temper the best that he can as he doesn’t want to hurt anyone that doesn’t deserve it. One sure way of telling if his temper is rising is his body language the first signs would be his ears pulled close to his head and growling slightly and his tail will be held ridged and high. The more angry he gets the more restless his body gets to want to punch who is making him angry and not forced to stay humanoid he will slowly shift back to his natural form. One of his big triggers is when others touch or pickup his stone ball without his permission. As it was a special gift and is also magical that can change size depending on if he is in his natural for or not, it also give off a ethereal smoke too. Another big trigger is seeing anyone bullying another as he really hates it because of the bulling that he receives at home.

To help keep that temper in check he meditates every day along with putting his passion into practicing fighting. It has been one of the few things that he can do to work out his frustrations and to workout any of his stress that has been built up. Mostly he practices alone as he just doesn’t want to hurt anyone but won’t pass up the opportunity if anyone wanted to be a sparring partner with him. One other thing that helps him with his temper that he likes to dig and find nice looking stones while he does.

Why are they enrolled in Amityville Academy? To further his FEAR as he wants it to become stronger than anyone has done with there FEAR in his clan and to out do the bullies that have tormented him for most of his life. As well as to see all the different people that lives in Halloween Town and learn all that he can about them since he live in remote and slightly isolated forest mountain home.

FEAR: Stone Armor: With any type of stone around, Adiyan can mold it into armor to protect himself from damage. Right now it only covers vital parts of his body and will fall off with one blow of an attack. In later years the armor to become stronger, cover more of his body and to become less of a hindrance as well. (Barrier)

Physical Description:
Eye Colour: Glowing teal eyes, black sclera
Hair Colour/Style: Some what curly mid-back length/ See his natural form for colors
Skin Colour: IDK, up to artist.
Clothing Style/Colours: Up to the artist
Extra: Tail, ears like his natural form. I would love if he was holding his stone ball, it is magical that it changes size depending on what form he is in and that it smokes slightly, but only if the artist wants to. The artist can add more if they like.

References:
Natural Form

 

[naggeela]

This is the mountain forest to where Adyian and his clan lives.

Extra information:
--Adyian has an perpetually earthy smell to his scent because of all the time he spends underground living, digging and hiding from bullies.
--His clan is associated with the earth element.
--The one thing that Adyian fears the most is not being able to protect those he cares for and those that needed him to protect them. Basely being a huge failer a being a Guardian.
--Adyian is around 5'

Fu Dog history coming soon.  

[naggeela]

Arts:

by Zom

By Khel

By Bitti

By Han  

[sleepZombie]

I can't give you much input on his personality because... well... he doesn't have much of one. No offense meant, but he doesn't have much information about him. A really good formula that a lot of people use when designing a character is to try to have three NEGATIVE traits, three POSITIVE traits, and at least two NEUTRAL traits. His short temper is an example of a negative trait. His steadfastness to protect others no matter what is an example of a Positive trait, though I would recommend trying to expand more on that... does that means he's very devoted to his friends? Is he chivalrous and will guard anyone or is it only the people he likes?

As for neutral traits... those are things that are neither good or bad and tend to lean more towards things like... he likes to paint! Or he's really good at dancing! Or he's very curious! Those are just examples.

As for his FEAR? I love it. I love it even MORE because he's a guardian in all senses... so it makes SO much sense for him to have a more defensive power than an attack one. Now that doesn't meant that later down the line it can't turn into something that might help him attack-wise... some stone around a fist can make for a pretty heavy punch! I think you've outlined and described it VERY well.

Keep on figuring things out about Adiyan! I can't wait to see how much more he develops!  

[naggeela]

Thank you for the Crit, Zom! It was very helpful in expanding his personality more! Now I have an updated version of it up, tho I still think it needs more work. But later when I have had more sleep.  

[naggeela]

Cleaned up his personality some and make it a better read and also added a little short legend on how Fu Dog's came to Halloween Town and added more pics of Fu Dogs and of Adyian.  

[Ary Keeyara]

I feel like you have a good grasp on the general aspects of his personality, but not the details. For example, you say he's curious, but does that mean he's chatty? Asks people a million questions? You define he wants to defend people, but you don't discuss what type of people he gets along with, or how he reacts to people on a personal level. Is he quiet? Is he a leader? Is he someone who helps everyone out but hates getting help himself? Does he follow a crowd or do his own thing? Does he like trying new things or does he not like being out of his comfort zone? Is he a rule follower, neutral, or has fun breaking them? There are a lot of little things I think you can go into socially on how he handles himself. You said he likes to fight, so does that mean he seeks other people to train with, or he looks for people to protect just so he can fight? Or does he see it more as a conditioning, meditative exercise? You mentioned arranged marriage, is that something he dreads? Simply finds he doesn't want to deal with? Something he'd do if he had to? How does that affect his view of relationships? There are a lot of things you can think about, not just what I've asked here. I hope that helps! I do like his fear and his protectiveness going back to his race.  

[naggeela]

Thanks for the crit, Ary it help alot! Adyian's personality has been updated to reflect the questions that were asked to the best that I can answer them.  

[Hanyousblood]

Hey, sorry for the late critique response, and thank you for taking a look at Toby! My brain wasn't in a very cooperative mood for intelligent feedback the last couple of days, but let's do this. Always cool to see a Fu Dog in the mix; love the species and the design you doodled seems to reflect that very well!

I think my sticking point right now is in the personality; it may be the wording or the organization exacerbating things, but a lot of the elements feel fairly disjointed, with somef areas that seem confusing or even contradicting of themselves. Let's take the personality in your separated chunks and break them down a bit, because I feel like stripping things to bare bones might help clarify what we're dealing with:

Under "Chivalrous":

So Adyian is (for what I glean):
1. Kind and considerate to the point of helping anyone in need
2. Even tempered and tolerant
3. Extremely loyal and trustworthy
4. Loves to be around people in general at any possible opportunity
5. ... Has a temper???
6. Will immediately tell you if he hates you outright because he doesn't mince words
7. Is a quiet person???
8. Gets more talkative when comfortable with whoever
9. Has natural guarding instincts

Already I'm finding some contradictions that I find hard to deal with, and I feel like it needs some rephrasing and organization. Let's look at 2 and 5; how is he so even tempered and yet has a temper? Or 1 and 6; so if he hates you, will he politely tell you he hates you?

Let's continue with the other parts and sum it all up:

Under "Wrath":

10. He has a temper with a long buildup
11. Once he finally snaps, he goes into a blind psychotic rage and will beat the tar of anyone who happens to be around him
12. He can only be snapped out of it by getting talked down with soothing (?) words?

Under "Warnings":

13. He'll give pre-rage "warnings" of how pissed off he is with growling/staring/jingling/what have you

Under "Protects others":

14. He'll help anyone that needs it because he was raised that way.
15. He'll try diplomacy before fighting with an aggressor
16. He tries to be a neutral/objective party
17. He tries to follow rules strictly, but will break them for the "greater good"?

Under "Don't Touch":

18. Don't touch his ball. He's very protective of it.
19. He'll get automatically angry at you if you touch said ball.

Under "Hand to Hand":

20. Fighting is a passion
21. He practices for several hours per day for fitness/meditative reasons
22. He'll take a beating to learn a style and likes having sparring partners

Under "A Tradition":

23. Hates the tradition of arranged marriage and wants to know/fall in love with whoever he hooks up with, et cetera

... Okay, so I did my best to pick out all the traits, and a lot of them are fine aspects, though I think the main contradictory issue is his general attitude and "temper". Here are all the traits I found that have to do with that, put together, to hopefully sum them up a little more clearly.

THE LIST:

1. Kind and considerate to the point of helping anyone in need
2. Even tempered and tolerant
3. Extremely loyal and trustworthy
4. Loves to be around people in general at any possible opportunity
5. ... Has a temper???
6. Will immediately tell you if he hates you outright because he doesn't mince words
7. Is a quiet person???
8. Gets more talkative when comfortable with whoever
10. He has a temper with a long buildup
11. Once he finally snaps, he goes into a blind psychotic rage and will beat the tar of anyone who happens to be around him
12. He can only be snapped out of it by getting talked down with soothing (?) words?
19. He'll get automatically angry at you if you touch said ball.

I took out the side hobby of fighting because I don't really think it plays into this as much; clearly he considers that more of a discipline than anything, but let's look at the rest.

Looking at all this together, I'm thinking that Adyian isn't actually a quiet person, he's only a reserved person until he's comfortable-- and while I know it's partly semantics, there is (I think) a big difference between the two. He obviously doesn't seem too quiet to talk with people he likes, after all, and clearly isn't opposed to voicing if he hates you, polite rearing or no. I also don't think he's really "even tempered" in the slightest; I think he reads more like someone inherently pleasant who is struggling with a HUGE long fused temper problem. He clearly wants to please people and be calm, but he has triggers he can't ignore. Things do bother him, and when they build up enough, he starts to show it. When they build up even more, he goes friggin' psycho and can't control himself in a SEETHING BLIND RAGE, which is the farthest thing from calm or even anything. I think if you explained it more like this, it'd make a lot of sense-- and hell, incorporate it with his other traits! How about his passion for fighting? Maybe that's how he tries to keep it under control and work on it? It'd also make sense as a stress reducer or a way to work out his frustration, because it's clear that that is an issue.

Really, I think you have the basis for a great character in all this! I think steering clear of that "segmented trait" format might help tremendously on the whole, because it doesn't lend itself well to the personality flowing smoothly in this case, and there are aspects already crossing over and certain areas that feel redundant. Just watch for the way you explain things, focus more on the whole than every single facet, because the more you elaborate on small things and turn them into big long paragraphs, the more you potentially disconnect those traits from each other and the whole character. Make sure your profile doesn't seem to be contradicting itself (remember: two essentially identical characters can be read as OHGODWHAT and OH THAT'S AMAZING just because of the way you explain things), and good luck!  

[naggeela]

Thanks for the Crit Han!! It was very very helpful!

Reworked his personality were it flows better or at least I hope it does. Maybe later on I will add facts about Adyian and his race when I think of them.  

[naggeela]

YA I got Adyian's first fanarts, by Zom!!!! So cute and I just love the pic. <3

 

[naggeela]

Updated Personality once more as I had a friend look over to help me work kinks out and grammer errors.  

[Hanyousblood]

Personality is definitely looking much better! Less contradictory, for sure! Reading back on this, there's just one thing I didn't catch before that I really, really think is worth addressing from a rendering standpoint.

It's... his color scheme.

Black opals are gorgeous; I'm all for that, trust me. They're beautiful and complicated and vivid and all of that... but honestly, the reason they're as stunning as they are is because they're a rock. They're simple. They're compact. They don't have other details to mess up how pretty their colors are.

When I imagine this character with the color scheme you described-- and please, take no offense to this-- I feel like it's going to be a jack-all mess. If you take a black opal, personify it into a fu-dog person (remember, talking in color scheme here) and dress it with the added details of clothing, hair, skin, collars, and whatever other jewelry, it's going to be overwhelming BIG, messy and chaotic and... well, honestly, a black opal is the last thing I think of when a fu-dog comes to mind. Personally? I think of warm red browns for them-- but that's not saying you have to break what you have now. TL;DR: I can tell you right now that you're not going to get the same aesthetic of a real opal if you just try and translate it to a walking talking sentient something or other. The variables do not add up.

I would just... heavily recommend that you either revise your color design a little or let the artist just take the opal for 'inspiration' with their own interpretation instead (because trust me, all the artists on staff have a great sense of color), if you're willing.

Maybe... say, a dusty (and solid) deep-gray black skin with blacker hair that has only one or two vague violet/cobalt streaks in the front? With a few flecks of opalescent stone scaling in sparse patches on his shoulders/arms/wherever random? The clothing could stay awesome and oriental and be, say, black with blue violet trim-- much more small and restrained pops of color, but having the restraint makes them more effective, y'know?  

[Pales]

Hmmm. I don't really have anything to add really so I'll just ask things that'll maybe help you develop him further?

1- What would an enemy have to do to get his help or does he just offer it to him because he is just that nice?

2 - If he cannot help someone what happens? Does he go into depressions? Does he have a long period of self doubt because of it?

3 - Does he have any other temper triggers other than people touching or picking up his ball without permission?  

[naggeela]

Thanks for the advice Han as it was really helpful as all I was thinking about his colors on how it could look and not how bad it was as you were right it was. So just redid his coloration as I really don't know what I want, but I do liked what you suggested, Thanks Han.

Updated his coloration and I'm still working on the questions that Pales gave me along with maybe expanding the explanation of Adyian's FEAR.