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 Posted: Sun Jun 19, 2011 7:25 pm
If you have any comment on my story feel free to post it here. Any ideas, names, suggestions and such, feel free to post it here. :3 Anything and everything is appreciated; I, unlike some people, do appreciate criticism, and actually like it.
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Posted: Sun Jun 19, 2011 7:48 pm
Can I request that you put in better paragraph spacing so that I can read it? >_> Giant blocks of text put a strain on my eyes, and takes up all my concentration to focus on the individual lines.
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Posted: Sun Jun 19, 2011 8:38 pm
Unrelinquished Despair Can I request that you put in better paragraph spacing so that I can read it? >_> Giant blocks of text put a strain on my eyes, and takes up all my concentration to focus on the individual lines. Yea sorry about that, I'm going to do that shortly, for some reason Gaia doesn't want to make the spaces when I pass it from MS Word.
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Posted: Sun Jun 19, 2011 9:05 pm
Unrelinquished Despair Can I request that you put in better paragraph spacing so that I can read it? >_> Giant blocks of text put a strain on my eyes, and takes up all my concentration to focus on the individual lines. Okay I fixed all three chapters. And i'm working on Chapter 4 now, expect it to be up any time within this week.
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Posted: Mon Jun 20, 2011 11:46 pm
Remember, it says you enjoy some criticism in your first post. Also, please not that any and all criticism is present merely to help you become a better writer, since I assume that that is why you've posted this here. Upon writing this, I have only read chapter one.
As a grammar guy, I have to point out that there were many instances where a comma should have been replaced by a period, and vice versa. This will greatly improve the flow of the story.
I didn't really get a feel for the characters, and this is probably because I've only read the first chapter, but I can't picture them in my head. Use more facial and bodily description of the characters, to allow readers a better mental picture of your characters.
I thoroughly enjoy the fact that there are several magic systems in this story, instead of being restricted to one magic system and different ways of manipulating it. However, its never really clear as to what type of spell constitutes what magic. I could easily see the dagger spell being regarded as arcane magic rather than mana, and vice versa regarding the tiger arm.
Maybe this is because I read this so late at night with so little sleep already, but the plot was going bananas throughout the entire thing. Again, this may be because I only read one chapter, but the plot was moving faster than my mind could keep up. First the king wants a rebel village dead, then two soldiers are with a white haired girl in the barracks, then one betrays the other, then they disregard the betrayal or something after a magic showdown, then they go to a bar, then the soldiers are fighting some giant monsters, then, after implying that the soldiers liked the girl, she's shown to be in a relationship with the bartender, who was just introduced, then a prince is making a declaration of war to an army that can apparently fit in a bar, at which point I thought "Oh, so they ARE fighting for the rebellion!", because it seemed like the whole rebellion thing had suddenly been dropped when they did that fake betrayal. To make a long paragraph short, the story needs to flow from one point to the next with a bit more ease.
Again, I don't intend to simply be a jerk with my comments, but to help you improve as a writer. And saying "I loved this part about it" about each specific part, while it boosts self-esteem, will not improve your writing skills. Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy the story, but you've asked for critiquing of the style, so a critique I shall give.
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Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2011 9:24 am
Gregar828 Remember, it says you enjoy some criticism in your first post. Also, please not that any and all criticism is present merely to help you become a better writer, since I assume that that is why you've posted this here. Upon writing this, I have only read chapter one. As a grammar guy, I have to point out that there were many instances where a comma should have been replaced by a period, and vice versa. This will greatly improve the flow of the story.
I'll try to fix that. ^^;
Quote: I didn't really get a feel for the characters, and this is probably because I've only read the first chapter, but I can't picture them in my head. Use more facial and bodily description of the characters, to allow readers a better mental picture of your characters.
Quote: I thoroughly enjoy the fact that there are several magic systems in this story, instead of being restricted to one magic system and different ways of manipulating it. However, its never really clear as to what type of spell constitutes what magic. I could easily see the dagger spell being regarded as arcane magic rather than mana, and vice versa regarding the tiger arm.
There's actually a clear difference, but it hasn't been shown yet, since you've only read the first chapter. Mana is used to construct magical items, such as Rin's daggers and bow, psychic abilities and healing, since it uses life force as it's constitution. Arcane magic revolves around elements and other hidden or special attributes, like Syren's summons, Kronos' sound abilities, Ares' weak wind control, so on and so forth. I'll be sure to write the difference within the story
Quote: Maybe this is because I read this so late at night with so little sleep already, but the plot was going bananas throughout the entire thing. Again, this may be because I only read one chapter, but the plot was moving faster than my mind could keep up. First the king wants a rebel village dead, then two soldiers are with a white haired girl in the barracks, then one betrays the other, then they disregard the betrayal or something after a magic showdown, then they go to a bar, then the soldiers are fighting some giant monsters, then, after implying that the soldiers liked the girl, she's shown to be in a relationship with the bartender, who was just introduced, then a prince is making a declaration of war to an army that can apparently fit in a bar, at which point I thought "Oh, so they ARE fighting for the rebellion!", because it seemed like the whole rebellion thing had suddenly been dropped when they did that fake betrayal. To make a long paragraph short, the story needs to flow from one point to the next with a bit more ease.
It wasn't a betrayal...It was just Timios being an a*****e. And Okay, I will keep that in mind.
Quote: Again, I don't intend to simply be a jerk with my comments, but to help you improve as a writer. And saying "I loved this part about it" about each specific part, while it boosts self-esteem, will not improve your writing skills. Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy the story, but you've asked for critiquing of the style, so a critique I shall give.
I know your not trying to be a jerk Greg, after knowing you for around a year now, I know you never try to be a jerk. And I appreciate your critiques Greg ^^
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