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 Posted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 2:51 am
Hi guys,
I'm just starting to get interested in the poly lifestyle and community. I brought up the idea with my long-term partner about six months ago, and (after the initial shock) he's been really open. We've not reached any conclusions yet, but we're ready to look at all the options.
I have feelings for my male best friend, who happens to be an ex. I'd also like to have a girlfriend again--even if that's a more casual arrangement. My partner has no goals right now, but is excited by the opportunities he might have in the future. It's been most difficult talking to him about my feelings for my friend.
I've been talking to Mame via PM--lots of helpful advice! Any more tips are welcome, and I guess I might pop in now and then with thoughts and questions.
Cheers,
Fizz
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Posted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 8:40 am
Welcome to the guild, Fizz. *hugs* I hope your journeys are pleasant smile and feel free to come visit us any time...we're not always "on topic" razz
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Posted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 8:42 am
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Posted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 8:51 am
Welcome to the guild- there's part of your post that caught my eye. Fizzlesticks I'd also like to have a girlfriend again--even if that's a more casual arrangement. Being poly can be very fulfilling- but you might want to be careful about looking to attract people with characteristics instead of falling in love with people who are compatible. Just tossing that out there and good luck.
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Posted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 8:53 am
Esiris Welcome to the guild- there's part of your post that caught my eye. Fizzlesticks I'd also like to have a girlfriend again--even if that's a more casual arrangement. Being poly can be very fulfilling- but you might want to be careful about looking to attract people with characteristics instead of falling in love with people who are compatible. Just tossing that out there and good luck. Sorry, I wasn't very clear! I'm more or less hoping that our primary (for want of a better term for now) can be open to either of us falling in love with the right people who happen to come along. But it would be nice if I met a nice girl. And thanks for the welcome! smile
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Posted: Fri Jun 17, 2011 12:49 am
Update: So (now that I have more time), my partner and I sat down for a fantastic four-hour odyssey of a discussion on polyamory.
Basically, we talked over one another's questions and concerns. Some I could answer, and others I couldn't (and will direct to the Poly Ponderings subforum).
He's not currently comfortable with me being more physical with my best friend/ex (but he's comfortable with us maintaining present intimacy--I'm allowed to stay over there when I like and we can snuggle, etc). Kissing is on the cards for the future/near future.
We'll continue to address poly-issues as they come up and as (or if) we meet people we might like to see.
Some of his questions:
If he's my primary, how do we differentiate between our relationship and other relationships if there's love and physical intimacy involved in all of them? (E.g. beyond living-together, what would differentiate our relationship from a relationship with my bestie.)
What happens if I want (or he wants) partners to be equal in the long run?
What happens in a poly relationship if one of the relationships breaks up?
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Posted: Fri Jun 17, 2011 12:59 am
Fizzlesticks If he's my primary, how do we differentiate between our relationship and other relationships if there's love and physical intimacy involved in all of them? (E.g. beyond living-together, what would differentiate our relationship from a relationship with my bestie.) To answer part of my own question, I know I couldn't cohabit with my best friend, W. There's a limit to how much we can see one another before I need a break (two or three times a week)--but he is indeed my most beloved friend, and we have a continuing sexual attraction. I usually stay over there once a week or so (with my partner, F's consent). I could happily spend nearly 24/7 with F, and often do. We work well together, live well together and love well together. We moved in very early in the relationship (risky!) and it's been the best years of my life to date. So there's that difference. But there's also an indefinable energy-sort of difference. They're very different people and I love them differently. Both relationships are very fulfilling and both make me very happy. I'm very open with both of them, but my friendship with W stops where F and I agree it should. If I were in a relationship with W, the only thing that would change from how it is now is adding, well, sex. (Of course, W's not certain he could handle polyamory either. But he feels compersion for F.) Now I'm just rambling. This happens.
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Posted: Fri Jun 17, 2011 8:53 pm
Fizzlesticks Now I'm just rambling. This happens. Fizz, rambling is something I do VERY well. I go off topic at the ...ooh shiny! I saw that you cross posted to Poly Pondering as well, I'm not sure how often that sub forum gets visited, I don't go there often myself. I try to stay out of it because of my tendency to derail sweatdrop Anyways...back to the topic... Quote: What happens if I want (or he wants) partners to be equal in the long run? Well then you would have to be communicating with him, as I hope you would be doing anyways wink I know it's a short answer, but I really can't say much more. It's for y'all to figure out where your own boundaries are going to lie. I would suggest, as with many other things, trying to go slow and making yourselves clearly understood to the other. Quote: What happens in a poly relationship if one of the relationships breaks up? That can depend on the individuals. I'm not sure if I'm "normal" in this or not but I've managed to stay on good terms with the majority of my exes, even if the breakup itself caused quite a bit of turmoil. That is simply my personal experience on the matter though, I do have one exception to the above in the past few years. White texted if you don't want to read that tale of drama. We had only dated for a few weeks and she had wanted me to collar her right away. I told her I wasn't comfortable with it just yet, and she had told me that was fine, she would wait. She had invited myself and my wife to what we were told would be just dinner with some of her friends. Turned out to be a swing party >.< (thanks for the notice on THAT!). Things get rolling after dinner, we politely leave, and the other girl says she wants to talk...after avoiding me all night. Quietly tells me she'll see me later. OK, fine. Next day I log and see her on yahoo, we start talking and that's when she breaks up with me. Telling me that she needs someone more sadistic. We make arrangements to return items that were at the others' houses. That meeting was civil enough. The fun happened later, at a fetish convention. There, in a crowded dungeon she called me an "evil troll" for something I gave the top she was working with. Those were her exact words, and I wear them with pride! But the shocked hush that fell across the floor was priceless. Haven't seen or heard from her since. twisted
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Posted: Sat Jun 18, 2011 2:04 pm
Fizzlesticks Update: So (now that I have more time), my partner and I sat down for a fantastic four-hour odyssey of a discussion on polyamory. Basically, we talked over one another's questions and concerns. Some I could answer, and others I couldn't (and will direct to the Poly Ponderings subforum). He's not currently comfortable with me being more physical with my best friend/ex (but he's comfortable with us maintaining present intimacy--I'm allowed to stay over there when I like and we can snuggle, etc). Kissing is on the cards for the future/near future. We'll continue to address poly-issues as they come up and as (or if) we meet people we might like to see. Some of his questions:If he's my primary, how do we differentiate between our relationship and other relationships if there's love and physical intimacy involved in all of them? (E.g. beyond living-together, what would differentiate our relationship from a relationship with my bestie.) What happens if I want (or he wants) partners to be equal in the long run? What happens in a poly relationship if one of the relationships breaks up? While hierarchical relationships work differently depending on what sort of set up people have typically when someone is considered 'primary' then that relationship is considered top priority above the others. So if say issues crop up between primary and secondary relationships which cannot be resolved and one would have to choose between them, then when push comes to shove the primary relationship take priority and gets the time or stays as a relationship and the secondary does not. It sometimes also refers simply to the allotment of time and attention one gets from the relationship. Primaries typically get more time and attention than secondaries. That sort of thing. If you eventually want all the relationships to be equal then that needs to be expressed upfront and you need to make the conscious effort as a group to work towards that. Some people do not like completely equal relationships, others have no desire to have a (or another) primary partner and only have time/energy for a secondary or tertiary relationship. So if you do want to eventually move things to where everyone is equal, it's best to be upfront about it. If you weren't planning on having every partner be equal but things start going in that direction and you feel you may want to change your mind, then the framework of communication should be in place that you can revisit your rules and boundaries and discuss them again, see if things need to be changed. Depends entirely on the configuration and where the breakup occurs. It doesn't necessarily tear every relationship apart, but depending on how the individuals in the relationship/ex-relationship handle things it can make everything else disintegrate. More likely though is that those still involved stay together and those who broke up break up. Because even in group-settings where everyone is involved with everyone else, the individual links between people are still between the two people and *can* remain entirely separate from the rest of it. Again though, this question is really variable because it depends on the configuration, the circumstances surrounding the breakup and how each individual react to the situation. I just answered here because I read this one first D:
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Posted: Sat Jun 18, 2011 11:36 pm
It appears the answers are as I suspected: we communicate about it!
Damn. I was hoping you'd say, "Well, you do X, then buy product Y, and that'll fix it right up."
Well, my partner and I will keep talking and keep talking, and if we add another partner, we'll keep talking to them too. wink
I know that being more involved with my friend, W, would be a long way off--if at all, but F is already making concessions on that one.
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Posted: Sun Jun 19, 2011 12:21 am
Fizzlesticks Damn. I was hoping you'd say, "Well, you do X, then buy product Y, and that'll fix it right up." Well...there is ONE thing you could try... ....a parrot?Do be careful though. "The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has occurred." I ran into that a LOT with the most recent ex sweatdrop
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Posted: Sun Jun 19, 2011 2:51 am
Saew Fizzlesticks Damn. I was hoping you'd say, "Well, you do X, then buy product Y, and that'll fix it right up." Well...there is ONE thing you could try... ....a parrot?Do be careful though. "The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has occurred." I ran into that a LOT with the most recent ex sweatdrop Lololol. I know what you mean about the communication stuff, though. I recently pulled myself up on that--I thought I'd filled W in on what was "allowed," but really I'd only talked about it with F. And W was taking it on faith that I wasn't cheating--and was too scared to ask! So I make sure I tell everyone who needs to know now.
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Posted: Sat Jun 25, 2011 10:04 pm
Progress is being had. smile
F is reading away and encouraging me to find more reading material. W wants to continue the conversation--perhaps with both of us, down the line. I feel like we're moving forward.
I also had a chat with my long-time psychologist about the issue, just to get things out in the open with someone objective. That went well, and she's given me lots to think about and ask myself.
I find it odd/amusing in my LI thread that there's one particular person ("The Christian Goth") who's come in to repeatedly say she can't abide by the idea of polyamory. That's fine, and I try to always respond sensibly, but geez, I get that she doesn't like the idea for her. It's frustrating when she comes in to repeatedly say, "It won't work for you either." She doesn't know me or my partner. At all. Sigh. -.-
Do you get that a lot?
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Posted: Sun Jun 26, 2011 8:25 am
From that user, most definitely (probably why I learned about six months ago not even to engage her). There are a few others in the forums who are as persistent but they mainly stick it out in the LD instead of the LI. Most people are just one-shot nay-sayers who say their piece and leave. It's something you have to get used to, unfortunately. You can speak out against it, you can be polite or you can flip out into a rage or you can say nothing- for some individuals it does not matter what you say, they will never find it a viable option (or that it's disgusting, or you're doomed, or something else terrible about it).
Hell, I get it from my mother all the time. Thankfully, there are a lot more people who either don't care what you do with your life and your relationships or at least don't hound you about it. Some people are even happy for you, even if they don't share your feelings on the matter. It's difficult to deal with those who want to continually attack your choice to pursue this form of relationship or who will attack your desire to have these relationships at all. There isn't much to be done but try to stay calm and try not to let it bother you.
I think that Tam has gone a little far in your thread. You could always ask her politely not to post anymore. She has said her piece, you understand her position, so there isn't much of a reason to continue to come and post and tell you it's terrible and you're ruining your life. She's being far too aggressive in her posts in your thread, I think, and she's no longer really trying to give advice to your particular situation but is ranting about it as a whole. Not terribly appropriate, but it's your thread, so it's your call what you do.
As for the general progress: yay! I'm glad that you are doing so much research, communicating so much to so many people and really taking your time with this. Even if in the end polyness won't work for you and your partner it is nice to see someone doing so much research and trying to prepare themselves. Whatever the outcome I hope things work out well.
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Posted: Sun Jun 26, 2011 4:20 pm
Mameoyashi From that user, most definitely (probably why I learned about six months ago not even to engage her). There are a few others in the forums who are as persistent but they mainly stick it out in the LD instead of the LI. Most people are just one-shot nay-sayers who say their piece and leave. It's something you have to get used to, unfortunately. You can speak out against it, you can be polite or you can flip out into a rage or you can say nothing- for some individuals it does not matter what you say, they will never find it a viable option (or that it's disgusting, or you're doomed, or something else terrible about it). Hell, I get it from my mother all the time. Thankfully, there are a lot more people who either don't care what you do with your life and your relationships or at least don't hound you about it. Some people are even happy for you, even if they don't share your feelings on the matter. It's difficult to deal with those who want to continually attack your choice to pursue this form of relationship or who will attack your desire to have these relationships at all. There isn't much to be done but try to stay calm and try not to let it bother you. Indeed. As I've learnt already from being a queer, a poet, having a shaved head--etc!--when you are different, you put up with the way people react. Quote: I think that Tam has gone a little far in your thread. You could always ask her politely not to post anymore. She has said her piece, you understand her position, so there isn't much of a reason to continue to come and post and tell you it's terrible and you're ruining your life. She's being far too aggressive in her posts in your thread, I think, and she's no longer really trying to give advice to your particular situation but is ranting about it as a whole. Not terribly appropriate, but it's your thread, so it's your call what you do. She's annoying. And I think a bit slow in the head. BUT I imagine that rage or banning is what she wants; I think it probably annoys her to politely and reasonably reply each time. Quote: As for the general progress: yay! I'm glad that you are doing so much research, communicating so much to so many people and really taking your time with this. Even if in the end polyness won't work for you and your partner it is nice to see someone doing so much research and trying to prepare themselves. Whatever the outcome I hope things work out well.
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