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A Pokejinka B/C 

Tags: Pokemon, gijinka, Entra 

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Kano || Mudkip || LFC

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Holy Amati

PostPosted: Tue Jun 14, 2011 3:07 pm


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Character Name: Kano (God of the Waters)

Type: Pokemon

Species: Mudkip

Region: n/a

Trainer Type: n/a

Gender: Male

Height: 5'7

Age: 19 (in human years, at least)

Hair Color: Light blue

Eye Color: Light blue

Skin Color: normal flesh tone

Other: Orange markings on his cheeks

Nature: Bold

Ability: Torrent

Skill Set:
Water Gun
Take Down
Mud Sport
Mud Slap

Personality:
Strengths
Resilient: It takes a lot to take Kano down, or to make him feel like quitting. He just keeps getting back up and trying again, though he may have to try a different method. He is determined to find a way to fit into this human world, and he'll try however many different ways he has to until he finds a place and friends to call his own.

Helpful: Kano likes to help others, and is always around to lend a helping hand to someone. He hopes to become valuable enough to someone to be invited to stick around, instead of always being alone. He'll happily throw himself into any task asked of him, doing the best job that he can. He'll also volunteer for tasks that he sees need completing, all in an effort to endear himself to people.

Neutral
Unfazed: When it comes to the finer points of human society, he simply has no comprehension of many of the intricacies that play a part. As such, he'll ignore most things that he doesn't understand, or that sound overly complicated. Sarcasm is an alien language to him, and he ignores it, though he also ignores more positive behaviors, such as flattery, as he simply doesn't understand the concept.

Negative
Paranoid: Having been abandoned by the one person that meant the most to him, Kano has a paranoid streak - he can't stand being alone. He will often get clingy, or invite himself to events that he wasn't included in, just to not have to be alone. He'll butt into conversations he wasn't a part of, or volunteer for tasks he's not qualified to handle, and will look lost and scared when denied the opportunity to belong.

Obnoxious: Kano likes being loud, and voicing his confident opinion of himself to anyone that'll listen. His shirt is a prime example of this. He's just trying to make sure that no one will ever forget him, and that he'll be recognized everywhere he goes, but he doesn't notice that his behavior often annoys others and puts them off, achieving the opposite effect of what he desired.

Strengths: Friendly, confident, good swimmer

Weaknesses: Annoying, obnoxious

History: All Kano knew was the warmth and comfort of the inside of his egg. He couldn't know that he was being carried around constantly by a little girl, who had the hopes of making him her first Pokémon. When he hatched, she was delighted, and she started training him for contests. He didn't particularly like this training, and was much more interested in learning how to battle, but he humored her, as she was always kind to him.

One day, he was released from his Pokéball and the little girl looked very serious. "Kano, my grandmother is very sick in the next town over, and I need to take her some medicine. You'll protect me in the forest, right?" Kano chirped at her; of course he would. The fact that he had never been in a battle before didn't seem to matter to him. He strutted proudly by her side, a little Mudkip out to face the world.

Their journey went along mostly unhindered, but as dusk drew up, storm clouds came upon them quickly. Kano had been nervous for some time, but couldn't explain the coming danger to his girl. He had tried stopping and digging at the side of the road, hoping to dig out something big enough for her to hide in, but she called him silly, and made him follow her. He kept trying, knowing the storm was going to be bad, but she eventually became angered with him, and threatened to return him to his Pokéball. He gave up, walking glumly by her side.

The storm fell on them in full fury, whipping the trees around as if they were a field of wheat. Lightning struck, and there were many trees downed. Their road was soon blocked by fallen trees, and it was too dark to climb around them safely. Still, his girl was determined to get to her grandmother's house that night. In the effort to get past the trees, his girl sprained her ankle and sat there helplessly in the mud. It was cold, wet, and dark, and he could not warm her. By morning, she herself was very sick, and unable to move. Kano hadn't slept one wink during the night, watching faithfully over her. He called out to the forest, someone had to help her! He called until he was hoarse, but no one came.

He fell into a fitful sleep, tormented at how helpless she was and that he couldn't do anything to save her. He dreamed that he was human, and was able to scoop her up and carry her to those that could help her. That would be all that he needed; hands and strong arms to carry her, not his compact quadruped frame. A pink mist invaded his dream, and a human - no, a Pokemon - spoke to him. The Musharna offered him his desire - to be human, and Kano accepted without even asking for any terms. A twig snapped, and he woke, instantly on his guard, though all he saw was a faint slip of pink before it disappeared between the trees. It took him a moment to even notice the change. When he did, he hardly bothered to wonder how it had been accomplished, but scooped up his girl and started carrying her towards the next town. He got her there just in the nick of time, but by the time she was well enough to see him, she didn't recognize him as her Kano, and left him behind when she went back home.
PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 2:07 am


1. Like-able vs Obnoxious/Pesty
You can't have these three traits alongside each other, if he's obnoxious and irritating some of the time then it is NOT easy to like him. Truth be told, it's highly likely he'll exasperate and tick a lot of people off so you'll need to decide which of these three traits you want more. If you want to maintain the more pesky/obnoxious elements of his character than "likeable" will need to be reworked into something more appropriate e.g. Well-meaning.

He may aspire to be pleasant and easy to get along with, his intentions are good etc. However, his execution of his actions and their overall results can leave much to be desired.

2. Confident
The way you describe it, it would be considered more of a neutral trait. He might be able to back this up with some of his abilities but his ego will put some people off.

3. Unobservant
Wrong word, you're looking for "Unfazed". It means that most of what he hears/sees doesn't bother him or doesn't really warrant his concern and/or attention.

4. History - Immediate Criticisms
Grammar:
As amusing as it is for me to say this, there's too much punctuation in certain paragraphs. You also needed to be careful of how often you repeat words e.g. "They continued, playing, eating, and just enjoying life, until the end of summer. For some reason, humans began coming around their lake more often in the summer..." If you look carefully you'll also note that the sentence doesn't flow right due to where the commas are positioned and the word choices.

Sentence Structure:
You also need to be VERY careful of your tenses - there are quite a few times in your history where your tenses switch and it becomes awkward to read. The alternating tenses also give an illusion that the history is jumping about erratically. I can see that it isn't jumping about, it's just not written as well as it could be.

Concept:
Musharna will not turn any pokemon into a human if it doesn't want to be or doesn't aspire to be one. Consequently, your last paragraph makes absolutely no sense in relation to the shop canon and I'd encourage you to rethink it and approach it from a different angle. If Mudkip didn't want to be a human and has no genuine reason to be then he wouldn't have become a Gijinka.

The start of his history is fine, the conclusion needs to be reworked to fit in with the shop's canon.

Epine de Rose


Holy Amati

PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 9:24 am


Okay, I edited some stuff around, removed some punctuation, and fixed specific errors. Re-crit? heart
PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 9:55 am


My first big crit is that while I feel the personality can work, you haven't added enough description or detail for me to get a true feel for how they all interweave and make a character. Right now he seems very two-dimensional to me.

When it comes to grammar I think you should run it through Word as there are still some grammatical mistakes.

The history has a lot of excess stuff in it that doesn't need to be there. You can easily condense it so it's easier for someone to read. Currently all I do is skim it, as it does not keep my attention due to unnecessary details.

Vitious
Captain

Proxy Hunter

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Vitious
Captain

Proxy Hunter

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 1:23 pm


The new history is better but it doesn't mention his dream or musharna at all, which it needs to.

Also, the personality, I think, still needs to have more detail. It is very short and vague at this time in my opinion.
PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 1:45 pm


For the personality, it's really hard for me to get it right in this format sweatdrop I'm used to typing up a few paragraphs for the personality, like I would for a history section, and it's easier to interweave the traits there and show how they interact to form a whole character that way, at least for me. I'm just having trouble with it, so I'm sorry for having to have you say the same thing multiple times.

I hope it's better this time around ^-^

Holy Amati


Vitious
Captain

Proxy Hunter

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 1:53 pm


I skimmed the history and Musharna still has not been added to the dream at all. Since he's the reason they become human he needs to be in there. Once that is changed I'll read over the rest.
PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 2:05 pm


*didn't realize they actually had to encounter each other* Guess that's what I get for reading quests that haven't been approved yet x.x

I know we can't RP Musharna, so I hope that's enough inclusion.

Holy Amati


Akkhima

PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 2:21 pm


I like the new history, but the ending seems abrupt. Maybe include more about her reaction and reasons for abandoning him, and his reaction to that?
PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 2:23 pm


*waits to see what Vit thinks of that*

I didn't want to bog it down with too many unnecessary details x.x When I first wrote it out, it had more detail, but I clipped it to what was absolutely necessary.

EDIT: It had him waiting anxiously for her to be better, but the humans keeping him away from her because they didn't know how to treat him at first because the girl insisted that Keno was a normal Mudkip, not a human Mudkip. They were going to wait for her to say, oh yeah, that's my Pokemon, but she said, "That's not my Keno," and was carried away and he just kind of stared after her in shock.

Holy Amati


Mr Mootles
Vice Captain

Rainbow Noob

PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2011 3:24 pm


There was a small grammatical problem. I think you just accidentally dropped a word when you were typing so just edited myself.

But otherwise looks good. I'll go ahead a move this to approval.
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