|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Mon Jun 06, 2011 4:32 pm
 He would never tell this to Seraphin -- what would she think of him if he did?! -- but Iosef was feeling a little down about his abilities as a father lately.
It was stupid, he thought. Isobel and Perdicas were perfectly well-behaved. Isobel trained with quiet resolve and Perdicas did everything a slave should. He was growing up so fast, and he looked so much like Iosef...if someone caught a glimpse of him from behind, or with his head ducked, they might even mistake them for each other.
He looked a lot like Romir too, of course. Identical even. But somehow the resemblance was only surface-deep. It was impossible to talk to them for even a second without knowing who was who. Probably because of that dreamy in-the-clouds quality Romir had.
...Romir. That was one of the painful little pinpricks in Iosef's heart. He loved his son dearly, but he saw a path laid out ahead of him that would lead to so much heartache...and Romir wouldn't stray from it no matter what he said. Not only that, but he had begun asking questions...sudden, insightful, probing questions...that Iosef was not prepared to answer.
And then Chimera! Chimera who swaggered around the pack as though he were a warrior, who had gained all that easy arrogance of Achilles who he now looked upon with something near reverence. Iosef couldn't even talk to him anymore.
And Najara.
That was one difficult discussion Iosef felt he needed to have sooner rather than later. He had seen something in the pup's eyes that day, when that idiot so-called father of his had come to visit. Najara had chosen to heed Varia's word...and he needed to know why. Needed to know before he lost his daughter.
So, with that thought in mind, he made his way to where he hoped she would be now that the day's training session was done. Hopefully he would manage to avoid Varia and the other warriors. He wasn't in the mood.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 06, 2011 4:47 pm
 Man what a great training session. Najara's spirits were high as she broke away from the training area. She was growing stronger now, her feet were quick and light just as they should be. That whole walking silently thing had a lot more to it than it looked, and Najara had been putting in extra hours to perfect that. Perfection was important, Varia said so everyday, without perfection there was failure. Of course perfection was not for everyone and even now Najara could tell which wolves would never achieve such glory even if they spent the rest of their lives training for it.
She herself had not reached perfection, that would take a lot more training and discipline, but she was certainly making her way to that point. Often times she would spend extra hours training with Varia, which seemed to please the head warrior greatly, and as an extension of that approval Najara pushed herself even harder.
When she wasn't training she was doing other things, often reckless things, that would test her in ways even training couldn't. The other week she had climbed up a section of the mountain near the packs land, the cliffs had been treacherous and more than once she had lost her footing and nearly fell to her death. But it was through her persistence that she had made it back down safely. Today she planned to push her luck jumping between the slippery rocks that dotted a portion of the river that ran through the pack lands.
She was on her way there when she came across a very familiar hide. Bringing her paws to a stop she looked at her father. What was he doing out here? "Father."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 06, 2011 5:03 pm
Iosef smiled. There was a light in her eyes that he recognized -- a light of sheer delight and excitement and, yes, recklessness. That had always been there, from the first time she had torn away to explore as a pup. Better. Faster. More. Those might have been her first words. He didn't know if they were...but they could have been.
"Najara," he said, with a little dip of his maw. Daughter or not, pup or not, she did technically out-rank him. And politeness was so deeply ingrained in him that he couldn't avoid the gesture even if he'd tried.
He glanced from her to the path, then back up at her, brow furrowed. She seemed to be heading the wrong way. "I was hoping to catch you after training. But...you seem to be going somewhere." His brow raised. "An appointment, perhaps?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 06, 2011 5:18 pm
Her maw curled into a smile. Father knew her too well. Such was the way of parents, even mother seemed to know things that Najara herself wasn't sure of and they were things that involved herself. How is it that others knew her so well? Ah well, such was the way of life. Her eyes glanced down the path, following her fathers gaze and then returned to him. Najara simply shrugged. "Not an appointment. Just going to the river is all."
Of course she reasons for going to the river quiet. Really her father didn't need to know such details, though she was certain he would ask. She had several reasons to go, one being to acquire a drink now that training was done. Honestly who wouldn't believe that excuse? Almost all the wolves went to the river some time after training was done.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 06, 2011 5:25 pm
"Ahh -- of course," he said, and smiled. Did he suspect she was hiding something? Maybe.
His violet eyes sought out hers and his smile softened, melted. For a moment he was reminded so forcibly of his love for her that he almost forgot the worries that had brought him here in the first place But then worries crept once more into his mind and clouded his eyes.
"Mind if I tag along? I could use a drink myself, come to that."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 06, 2011 5:36 pm
The way he smiled made her wonder even more what he was up to. It wasn't often that her father sought her out and so it made Najara a bit nervous. Wait, what did she have to be nervous about? Yes, he was her father and was bound to worrying about her, but she outranked him and so if he got too nosy she could always just order him to leave. Perhaps it would come to that, though it would be the first time, or perhaps he would merely take his leave once they reached the river - then she could go on to do what she had planned to do.
Shrugging her shoulders Najara thought she would entertain her father and let him tag along. "I suppose you can." Lord help her if Varia spotted them, she would crank up the training again - not that Najara would mind that completely - but she also deep down did care for her father and didn't want to see harm come to him at Varia's hand. Turning she padding along the path that would lead them to the river, letting a silence fall over them, waiting to see when her father would reveal his true purpose to this little visit.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 06, 2011 5:48 pm
"We haven't had much chance to talk lately," he said, carefully navigating the rocky waters of conversation. This didn't need to be so difficult, he reminded himself. But it was. Oh, it was. And that was the problem.
"Since you've been training so much, and everything. I understand you're very talented."
He fell into pace a little bit behind her. He was proud of her, make no mistake. But he was also concerned. He'd remembered seeing his own siblings when they were her age...and remembered how Varia's obsession with perfection had bubbled to the forefront.
He sought out the tact to say what he wanted but realized he couldn't find it, and so instead said, "...Your Aunt Varia. You're close, aren't you?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 06, 2011 6:14 pm
Haven't had much chance to talk lately? Well wasn't that the understatement of the year. She rarely had time to speak with her parents at length what with concentrating on her training as well as her adventures. Honestly from what Varia had told her training was the utmost important thing next to serving the Queen, family came second. Varia had spoke once of how close she and her sister had been, but family had torn them apart, in particular Varia's brother who in turn was Najara's father. This put her on dangerous ground most of the time. At any time Varia could turn on just because of who her father was, no matter how good at training she had become.
A smile grew across her maw at the mention of being talented. "I have come a long way...but I have much further to go." Much further to gain perfection. Her fathers next words made her think. Close yes, but how to word it. "Yes." She said after a few moments and then added. "As close as a student can be to their teacher." The fact that they were blood related didn't matter so much, their bond had grown simply because of Najara's need to be the best, to prove herself amongst the pack. Of course it did help at times that Varia was her aunt, for it meant sometimes she had Varia's eye and would allow her to make sure her progression was noted by the head warrior.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 06, 2011 9:16 pm
She was proud of her accomplishments, he could see that -- proud but uncertain. He recognized the certain weariness in her voice. "You know," he said, a little hesitantly, not sure if he wanted to open this doorway just yet but finding no way around it, "You remind me a bit of her, when she was your age. She wasn't always quite like she is now. She had a sense of humor once, even."
His eyes glimmered. Nostalgia could be the death of a wolf.
"But she was very insecure, in a way, and became obsessed with perfection. In herself, in others."
Great, Iosef. Now what? Talk about backing himself into a conversational corner.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jun 07, 2011 5:23 pm
She was like Varia at this age, the thought of that made her smile. Najara liked that she was compared to the head warrior. Of course mention of Varia's sense of humor made her pause. That didn't sound like her aunt at all. Varia was always so perfect, so well disciplined, why the thought of seeing the mottled wolfess laugh...well to be perfectly honest Najara couldn't even imagine that. A laugh would seem so unnatural coming from that battle hardened female. "That's hard to believe." She finally said as began to walk again. "I don't think I've ever seen her crack a smile." Oh her aunt sneered plenty and those times she did smile they were not the happy type of smile other wolves did, they were more like - well she couldn't find the right word but they were certainly not smiles.
Smile. Smirk. Sneer. Grimace. Yes, grimace was probably the word she had been looking for.
Insecure? Again Najara had a hard time believing that. Her aunt was the picture of confidence, how could a wolf like that ever have been insecure? "I thought...that it was her mothers drive that had pushed Varia to become the wolf she is today. She was pushed to be the best and took that lesson to heart." Honestly Najara didn't see a problem with wanting to succeed, with wanting to be the best and achieving perfection. She wanted that for herself.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jun 11, 2011 1:10 am
He laughed as well, a short, bitter chuckle. "It was rare enough. But, yes. Sometimes."
His thoughts wandered for a moment, thinking back on a childhood that seemed a lifeage away. Sure, he and Terreis had been closer -- there had always been that distance between himself and the eldest -- but the seething hatred hadn't always been there. Not when they were young. Not the way it was now, anyway.
Leave him. He's dead weight.
That echoed in his mind and he steeled himself against the memory before it clouded over his thoughts entirely.
"That's what I mean," he said, thinking he needed to navigate this carefully -- not just because Varia wouldn't take well to hearing it if it ever got back to her, but because it was important to make Najara understand and he wasn't sure she was yet world-weary enough to make the distinction herself. "She was pushed, yes. Motivated by fear of failure, or of just being average. That's a kind of insecurity. I suspect that if a wolf like Varia ever stops being the best, that they would lose themselves entirely."
His eyes flicked to Najara, questioning and filled with concern. Not just concern -- love. Burning, consuming love, the kind that eclipsed what he had felt for anything in his life before the pups were born. Love that drove him to say things that were dangerous. "I am so proud of you, Najara. But I worry about you, too."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jun 11, 2011 3:15 pm
Even imagining her aunt smile at rare occasions felt odd. Varia, in her youth, smiling as if she cared about something - it was such an odd thing to envision. In fact it was pretty much impossible. The only thing Najara could do when she tried to imagine it was see her aunt as she was today, standing tall, proud and intimidatingly at the side of the training area sneering at those who did not perform to her standards. Nope, the image of Varia with a true smile on her face just refused to show itself, clearly it was more of a legend than anything else.
Najara brought her paws to a stop so that she could consider her fathers next words. She could tell he was treading on dangerous grounds here, talking about Varia so openly and showing his fears as well. Obviously he was just trying to protect her as any father should with his child. Najara considered her words carefully before speaking. "Isn't the fear of failure something every wolf, every creature experiences at some point?" Surely her father, mother, perhaps even the Queen feared some failure during the life. "It is getting past that fear that makes one strong." It made sense to Najara though perhaps she was seeing things differently. "Fear can shape lives, and one can choose to overcome it and grow stronger or let it grow within them and become an even greater weakness then it first started out to be."
Pausing Najara felt weird saying such things, she was speaking to her father in a way that denoted passing of wisdom from one wolf to another. It was an idea that was as uncommon as it was perfectly natural. How strange. She caught the look in his eyes and began to understand why he was saying these things, things that if overheard by the wrong ears would put him in a heap of trouble. He loved her and also feared for her. "You think...that I will become like her. That I will live to hate and only strive for perfection in myself, seeing those who cannot reach perfection as weak and worthless." Yes, it all made sense now why her father had sought her out, he was trying to protect her from following too closely in Varia's footsteps and thus lose herself within perfection.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jun 11, 2011 10:22 pm
Tears actually sprang up in his eyes as she spoke. He recognized the wisdom in what she said, and his smile quivered a bit. How did she grow up so much? He wasn't ready for his daughter to be this insightful.
He stayed silent throughout, allowing her to come to the conclusion on her own, and then nodded mutely. "Or else hurt yourself in the attempt," he said, very quietly.
Now to let the other paw drop, he thought. They had come to the river and the quiet, constant sound of the current was soothing but also distracting. He hoped it wouldn't pull them away from the moment, as he was terrified if he lost his chance now that he might never get another one. That was a terrible, absurd thought, but there it was.
"Perfection...isn't something that can be had," he said, carefully. "It's something to search for, of course, to strive for. That might be the reason we're all alive, to try and improve oneself constantly. But...you have to realize that life is about the journey, not the destination."
Oh, how ridiculous was this. He wished, not for the first time, that someone had given him an instruction manual on how to have these conversations with his offspring.
"Becoming too obsessed with being perfect...or, rather, with not being perfect...can tear you apart. Your mind and soul....or your body."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jun 12, 2011 6:44 pm
Hurt yourself. Her fathers words echoed through her mind, though honestly Najara wasn't sure if at this moment he was referring to her drive for perfection or her reckless ways outside of training. Probably a bit of both. She had always been one to push herself in many ways, but amongst her siblings she was by far the one who put herself into danger at every turn. Perhaps she was a thrill seeker or just an adrenaline junkie, but Najara couldn't help it, it's just the way she was.
She considered his words carefully. "I do not wish to get hurt." And that was truth. Much as Najara loved to do dangerous things the last thing she wanted was to get injured. That would put a major damper on things, now wouldn't it.
"If we strive for something that cannot be obtained that does that not make our lives pointless." If perfection was so unobtainable then why did wolves strive for it. "I understand that, the Queen once said that there is always something to learn, and just when you think you have learned everything you will come across something new and you will once again need to learn more." That was the journey that her father spoke of, and it was an unending one. Part of her knew and perhaps always had known that perfection could not be achieved, but it was the journey, the attempt to reach that unobtainable goal that made it so alluring. "Though can one cannot go on a journey if there is no destination to reach, even if that destination can never be reached."
Najara looked away for a moment, considering what her father said last. It had not been her attention to do something that would be so damaging to herself. To think that was possible with her current path...well she was a bit ashamed. "I don't want to destroy myself. I only want to serve the Queen to the best of my ability."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jun 12, 2011 10:10 pm
For Iosef, the two behaviors were two sides of the same coin; to his mind, the recklessness and the hard work were both rooted in the same place. Perhaps it wasn't the case, but he certainly believed them linked in his mind.
Nevertheless, he stayed silent as she worked this out for herself. He never professed to have answers...but raising the right question seemed key. And the conversation was going better than he'd anticipated, actually. He just hoped she meant everything she said.
"As do I," he said, with a soft smile at her final comment. "All of us do, in our way. Some...forget that there is more than one path toward that destination."
He wanted to go on here, but he thought he was perhaps pushing his luck. He padded to the riverbank and bent down for a drink, thoughtfully. "I appreciate the chance to speak with you, daughter. But I suppose you have things to attend to, once your drink is finished." He looked up, searching out her eyes. "...What were your plans for the day, if I might ask?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
