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Reply ~SciFi/Fantasy~
Just a bad dream Part II

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rainalove2010

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PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2011 11:49 pm


NOTE:Alright second part of this adventure that i have no clue where I'm going with. I am trying to get it all done tonight since I just had this dream. And I need to get it out DX. So enjoy this next part.

Part !!


It's beautiful. The crisp clean air, and crashing of the waves against the shore, and the over all feeling, was just how I remembered it. As if I was just there last summer instead of 8 years ago. I stick my hand inside my handbag to rub my fingers across the cold glass of shells that I couldn't leave without.

It wasn't completely the same. The apartments hang been redecorated and refurbished. They had also added a railing around the entire apartment complex. The only way to get to the beach was to use the new dock that they put in. Either way, it was still so beautiful.

I leaned over the railing that was around my patio. I was the only person to get an apartment all to myself. I guess there is a perk to not having many friends. I was also lucky enough to get the apartment on the third floor. I was able to see everything for miles around. If I could, I would stay there for hours on end just looking out onto the ocean. The warm crest of the water inviting me. Enticing me to come and play with it and its many creatures. I smile to myself, imagining the feel of the cool water against my hot skin.

"Lovely isn't it??"

I spin around to see who it was that was behind me. It was a boy that I had never seen before. He was very tall, dark and handsome. His hair was in dreadlocks that went down just barely past his shoulder. He reminded me a lot of a jedi from star wars. His eyes were a dark brown that seemed to look right into my soul. His arms were the farthest from flabby and skinny. You could tell he took care of his arms.

He stepped closer to me to where he was leaning over the edge looking at the ocean just as I was. I took a step back and looked at him. How the hell did he get into MY room? I thought that I was the only one able to get in here.

"Who are you? And how did you get into my room?" I stare at his back waiting for him to answer the two simple questions.

He chuckles and places a peice of hair gently behind his ear. "Nick, for the first question. And as for the second one, the door was open and wanted to make sure everyone was alright. I'm your next door neighbor for the week. Its a pleasure to meet you..." he held out his hand waiting for me to tell him my name.

I look at his hand like its an alien arm trying to come after me. Reluctantly I tell him my name and shake his hand. I stare off to the side and say under my breath, "yea, nice to meet you too." This is so weird. Since when was I able to talk to guys. Its not like I haven't. I have had some boyfriends, but none that were this easy to just strike up a conversation. I got an interesting out of this boy.

I lean over the railing just as I had before i was interrupted by this boy. I start to stare back out to the ocean once more and day dream. Then I feel like there are a pair of eyes staring at me. I look out of the corner of my eyes and sure enough, Nick was looking at me. Intently as well if I might add. I smile and ask what he was looking at. He just shakes his head and returns looking at the ocean as well.

The awkwardness was starting to become to much, and I think its time to find more information on this handsome boy that is sharing this lovely view with me.

"So. Nick. Where are you from? I have never seen you around my school so you must be from somewhere else." He looks at me again with a dashing smile. I look down as i feel the blush start to come across my cheeks. He turns around and lets his back rest against the railing with a soft thud.

He stick his hands in the pockets of his jeans and takes a deep breath of the ocean waves and begins.

"I'm not in high school anymore. I actually have been going to a college across the ocean. Its summer for us, so my friends and I decided to come here. Its just to get away. And for me, so I don't have to go back home. Don't get me wrong I love my mom and everything, things are just kinda screwy right now. You know what I mean?" I nod and smile, knowing all to well what he is talking about. He turns to face me and stands with his broad shoulders, and strong arms folded with that cute smile that he seems to have on all the time. "And what about you, Dreamer? What brings you here?"

I turn my body so that we are facing each other. I place my arms the same way that he has is, so that I am mirroring him. "My senior class is here for our end of the year trip. I actually use to come here when I was younger with my family. I'm just glad that I get out of the house for once. And why did you call me dreamer?"

He busted out laughing and grabbed his side. it took him everything just to not fall on the floor. I look at him like hes crazy. It was a simple question that I wanted to know.

He finally catches his breath and finally tells me the reason for my new nick name. "Because the moment that I saw you, you looked like you were day dreaming. You look like your always dreaming."

I laugh at that. I knew that I really do day dream a lot but the fact that a complete stranger could tell. We look at each other and start laughing. We finally calm down and decide to go grab something to eat from the kitchen. We have to talk down three flights of stairs and go to the main house to get to the fully stocked kitchen. It looked like the kitchen that you would find in a very old house just with modern appliances.

After dinner we both go back up to our rooms. We state our good byes, but linger at the doors.

I stare at him. It was very nice that I was able to have a friend here while I am on vacation. And a cute one, thats a major plus. It was so much fun looking at the girls who seemed to be so envious of me. We meet each others eyes. My green clashing with his brown. He is so handsome and so nice. I never thought in a million years, I would meet someone as amazing as him.

I realize that I was staring at him to much. "Sorry. Well, will we be able to hang out again sometime soon?" I stare down waiting for his reply feeling stupid for my question.

He walks over to me and placed his hands on my shoulders. I blush a deep red blush. My only thought is , "oh god we just met please don't tell me he is going to kiss me?" He leans down close to my face and stops just a few inches from my lips and whispers, "Of course. We will hang out everyday if you wish it. I'll see you tomorrow Mandy." He left me wanting his lips against mine. But I wasn't granted that pure bliss just yet. Hopefully soon. Maybe.

I turn and open my door to go to my room. I drop my bag on the floor next to my other things. I lazily strip my clothes that I had on before and slip right into my comfy pajamas. I shuffle threw my suitcase to pull out my recent book that I am working on finishing reading. I grab a light blanket off the queen size bed. I head for the balcony to read and listen to the ocean hit the waves. I lay down on the beach seat and throw my blanket over my cladly clothed skin. I lay down and take a deep breath and let it out in a soft moan.

The weather felt amazing. The soft breeze hitting my legs and arms and chest. The soft smell of salt and sand mixed together in the air to make the perfect aroma therapy. Next thing I know I'm hearing a laugh to the left of me. I quickly turn to see who it could possibly laughing at me. To my pleasant surprise its Nick. I smile and wave. Apparently he had the same idea that I did.

"Mind if I join you?" he asks me. I shake me head as an agreement. I thought he would have just come threw the door but no. He jumps over the railing and about a yard into my balcony. He comes and sits next to me and asks what I am reading.

As the night goes on we end up talking for hours upon hours. We can't stop talking. We didn't go to bed until 6 in the morning. It was the best first night of my life since my father died. I don't remember the last time that I smiled like that or even talk to someone for that long in my whole life. We have just got to see how this is going to play out. Besides tomorrow is another day.

All right that is the end to my part 2. This is gonna be kinda a long story cuz thats the only way that I know how to tell this story. So please be patient with me please. As well, please let me know how you like this story. Thanks , all my love Raina.
PostPosted: Tue May 17, 2011 6:40 am


I like it ^_^
You must continue! The Great Lady Pyrien demands this!!
lol

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PostPosted: Wed May 18, 2011 6:49 pm


Ok, so I'm doing this the same as last time. Corrections in bold and comments in () as well as at the bottom.

rainalove2010
It was beautiful. The crisp clean air, the crashing of the waves against the shore, and the over all feeling were just how I remembered it. It was as if I was just there last summer instead of 8 years ago. I stuck my hand inside my handbag to rub my fingers across the cold glass of shells that I couldn't leave without. (watch your verb tenses)

It wasn't completely the same. The apartments had been redecorated and refurbished. They had also added a railing around the entire apartment complex. The only way to get to the beach was to use the new dock that they put in. Either way, it was still so beautiful.

I leaned over the railing that was around my patio. I was the only person to get an apartment all to myself. I guess there is a perk to not having many friends. I was also lucky enough to get the apartment on the third floor. I was able to see everything for miles around. If I could, I would stay there for hours on end just looking out onto the ocean. The warm crest of the water inviting me. Enticing me to come and play with it and its many creatures. I smiled to myself, imagining the feel of the cool water against my hot skin.

"Lovely isn't it??"

I spun around to see who it was that was behind me. It was a boy that I had never seen before. He was very tall, dark and handsome. His hair was in dreadlocks that went down just barely past his shoulder. He reminded me a lot of a jedi from star wars. (random?) His eyes were a dark brown that seemed to look right into my soul. His arms were the farthest from flabby and skinny. (so does he have crazy body builder arms?) You could tell he took care of his arms.

He stepped closer to me to where he was leaning over the edge looking at the ocean just as I was. I took a step back and looked at him. How the hell did he get into MY room? I thought that I was the only one able to get in here.

"Who are you? And how did you get into my room?" I stared at his back waiting for him to answer the two simple questions.

He chuckled and placed a peice of hair gently behind his ear. "Nick, for the first question. And as for the second one, the door was open and I wanted to make sure everyone was alright. I'm your next door neighbor for the week. Its a pleasure to meet you..." he held out his hand waiting for me to tell him my name.

I looked at his hand like its an alien arm trying to come after me. Reluctantly I told him my name and shook his hand. I stared off to the side and said under my breath, "Yea, nice to meet you too." This was so weird. Since when was I able to talk to guys? Its not like I haven't. I have had some boyfriends, but none that were this easy to just strike up a conversation. I got an interesting (feeling? idea? reaction?) out of this boy.

I leaned over the railing just as I had before I was interrupted by this boy. I started to stare back out to the ocean once more and day dream. Then I felt like there are a pair of eyes staring at me. I looked out of the corner of my eyes and sure enough, Nick was looking at me. Intently as well, if I might add. I smiled and asked what he was looking at. He just shook his head and returned to looking at the ocean as well.

The awkwardness was starting to become too much, and I thought it was time to find more information on this handsome boy that was sharing this lovely view with me.

"So. Nick. Where are you from? I have never seen you around my school so you must be from somewhere else." He looked at me again with a dashing smile. I looked down as I felt a blush start to come across my cheeks. He turned around and let his back rest against the railing with a soft thud.

He stuck his hands in the pockets of his jeans and took a deep breath of the ocean waves and began.

"I'm not in high school anymore. I actually have been going to a college across the ocean. It's summer for us, so my friends and I decided to come here. It's just to get away. And for me, so I don't have to go back home. Don't get me wrong I love my mom and everything, things are just kinda screwy right now. You know what I mean?" I nodded and smiled, knowing all too well what he is talking about. He turned to face me and stood with his broad shoulders, and strong arms folded with that cute smile that he seemed to have on all the time. "And what about you, Dreamer? What brings you here?"

I turned my body so that we were facing each other. I placed my arms the same way that he had his, so that I was mirroring him. "My senior class is here for our end of the year trip. I actually used to come here when I was younger with my family. I'm just glad that I get out of the house for once. And why did you call me dreamer?"

He busted out laughing and grabbed his side. it took him everything just to not fall on the floor. I looked at him like he was crazy. It was a simple question that I wanted to know.

He finally caught his breath and told me the reason for my new nick name. "Because the moment that I saw you, you looked like you were day dreaming. You look like you're always dreaming."

I laughed at that. I knew that I really did day dream a lot but the fact that a complete stranger could tell (but what?). We looked at each other and started laughing. We finally calmed down and decided to go grab something to eat from the kitchen. We had to walk down three flights of stairs and go to the main house to get to the fully stocked kitchen. It looked like the kitchen that you would find in a very old house just with modern appliances.

After dinner we both went back up to our rooms. We stated our good byes, but linger at the doors.

I stared at him. It was very nice that I was able to have a friend here while I was on vacation. And a cute one, that was a major plus. It was so much fun looking at the girls who seemed to be so envious of me. We met each other's eyes, my green clashing with his brown. He was so handsome and so nice. I never thought in a million years, I would meet someone as amazing as him.

I realized that I was staring at him too much. "Sorry. Well, will we be able to hang out again sometime soon?" I stared down waiting for his reply, feeling stupid for my question.

He walked over to me and placed his hands on my shoulders. I blushed a deep red. My only thought is , "oh god we just met please don't tell me he is going to kiss me?" He leaned down close to my face and stopped just a few inches from my lips and whispered, "Of course. We will hang out everyday if you wish it. I'll see you tomorrow, Mandy." He left me wanting his lips against mine, but I wasn't granted that pure bliss just yet. Hopefully soon. Maybe.

I turned and opened my door to go to my room. I dropped my bag on the floor next to my other things. I lazily stripped away my clothes that I had on before and slipped right into my comfy pajamas. I shuffled through my suitcase to pull out my recent book that I was working on finishing reading. I grabbed a light blanket off the queen size bed, and headed for the balcony to read and listen to the ocean hit the waves. I laid down on the beach seat and threw my blanket over my cladly(?) clothed skin. I took a deep breath and let it out in a soft moan.

The weather felt amazing. The soft breeze hitting my legs and arms and chest. The soft smell of salt and sand mixed together in the air to make the perfect aroma therapy. Next thing I knew I was hearing a laugh to the left of me. I quickly turned to see who it could possibly laughing at me. To my pleasant surprise it was Nick. I smiled and waved. Apparently he had the same idea that I did.

"Mind if I join you?" he asked me. I shook me head as an agreement. I thought he would have just come threw the door but no. He jumped over the railing and about a yard onto my balcony. He came and sat next to me and asked what I was reading.

As the night went on we ended up talking for hours upon hours. We couldn't stop talking. We didn't go to bed until 6 in the morning. It was the best first night of my life since my father died. I don't remember the last time that I smiled like that or even talked to someone for that long in my whole life. We just had to see how this is going to play out. Besides tomorrow is another day.


Ok, so first and foremost, don't panic when you see all the bold. Most of it was because you switched tenses half way through and I found myself switching all your verbs to past tense. If you want it to be in present tense, that's fine, you can make them all present, you were just switching between the two tenses so much though that I had to fix it. So don't worry. It's not as bad as it seems.

Not a bad part two. We have plot and intrigue now with the introduction of this suave new character. He seems great, I just wish you would have given us a little more detail about him. Sure tall, dark, and handsome is nice, but it can mean a lot of different things to different people. Handsome is relative, so you might want to define his look a little more. He's amazing, so let him really shine.

Also, things seem to be moving rather quickly in a frighteningly teen romance sort of way. I can appreciate a good love story as much as the next person, but the whirlwind romances of the young and hormonal have been done an awful lot (I'm looking at you, Twilight. You ruined both vampires and love *glares*). Plus it's odd for people to be so close to making out after having just met, even Mandy things so. So just be careful. This has potential to be really good, so don't cover up all the possibilities with unexplainable, instant attraction.

Apart from that, all I have to say is similar to what I said last time. Watch your verbs, commas, and sentence structure. Instead of just repeating: "I went here. I did this. I then did this other thing.", let the story flow. "I went to the place, doing this thing as I went. Once there I decided to..." and so on. One of your paragraphs was really choppy because you had broken down every action to have its own sentence. Work on editing and you'll have a great story on your hands. ^_^
PostPosted: Sat Aug 13, 2011 1:19 pm


Just another characterisation thing. Has our protagonist been cut off from society or been going out living the high life? I'm referring to her having had previous boyfriends. I just find it difficult to reconcile the two differences.

Still it's pretty good, I like the whole romance thing going on. If only it were that easy in real life. I wouldn't mind some handsome hunk invading my bedroom.

Strangerthan

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