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Just a bad dream.

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rainalove2010

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PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2011 8:54 pm


]Note: Just letting you know I had a dream about this story and wanted to share it with you. I don't know how long its going to be or how good I'll be able to write it down. BUUUUUUUTTT please enjoy.

Part 1


Every summer, my family and I would go down to the near by island that has a beautiful resort on it. The rooms where everyone stayed looked like a glamorous apartment. Each apartment had three bedrooms and two baths, decorated in a beach theme. Each had a balcony that over looked the ocean that was no more than 100 ft. away.

It was my father, mother, and me that always went. When I was younger we all use to walk down to the beach and play there for hours upon hours a day. Father would help me build the perfect sand castle. Mother would walk with me up and down the coast line collecting sea shells. It was the perfect get away spot for everyone of every age.

But then, that all changed when after the summer that i had turned 10, my father died. My mother and I have never gone back. Almost every night I look out my window, over looking the large unwanted city of Los Angels. My room littered with the sea shells, bring back memories of my once happy mother. I don't think she has ever gotten over my father, and probably never will.

My names Mandy, and my memories of that special place are the only things dear to me. And now I have to relive them for my senior trip. Mother is forcing me to go. Says it will be good for me to get out for a week. Make new friends and all that other bull puky. Thing is, is that I don't want to make new friends, or friends at all for that matter. I wouldn't be able to anyway. Everyone at my school thinks I'm a freak. But in all reality, I'm just like them. They just don't want someone like me there. No father, my mother beats me, and ever since my father died 8 years ago, I have stayed quiet and tried to stay away from people. But once I came to terms with my fathers death, I did try to get back into society. But society didn't want me back.

So now instead I stay locked up in my room, wondering, whats it going to be like on this vacation. And what is it going to be like to finally come back to the island that the last memory I had was of the perfect family. Now broken into a million pieces.

I look at my cell phone to see what time it was. I look down at my packed suitcase of all the clothes and bathing suits I will need for this horrid trip. I grab the jar of sandy sea shells off my wall and shove it in my handbag. Time to fall asleep and wait for the bright awaiting sun to raise, drive up to the school and ride to where my whole life would change.

Ok so that was just the intro. Nothing to special just a little back ground that I made up. Let me know how you like it. Gonna upload the second part here soon. Thanks for your input.
PostPosted: Wed May 18, 2011 6:06 pm


For this, I found it easier just to go through and edit, so changes will be marked in bold and comments in ().

Quote:
Every summer, my family and I would go down to the nearby island that has a beautiful resort on it. The rooms where everyone stayed looked like a glamorous apartment. Each apartment had three bedrooms and two baths, decorated in a beach theme. Each had a balcony that over looked the ocean that was no more than 100 ft. away.

It was my father, mother, and I that always went. When I was younger we all used to walk down to the beach and play there for hours upon hours a day. Father would help me build the perfect sand castle. Mother would walk with me up and down the coast line collecting sea shells. It was the perfect get away spot for everyone of every age.

But then, that all changed when after the summer that I had turned 10 my father died. My mother and I have never gone back. Almost every night I look out my window overlooking the large unwanted city of Los Angels. My room littered with the sea shells bring back memories of my once happy mother. I don't think she has ever gotten over my father, and probably never will.

My name's Mandy, and my memories of that special place are the only things dear to me. Now I have to relive them for my senior trip. Mother is forcing me to go. Says it will be good for me to get out for a week. Make new friends and all that other bull puky. Thing is, I don't want to make new friends, or friends at all for that matter. I wouldn't be able to anyway. Everyone at my school thinks I'm a freak, but in all reality, I'm just like them. They just don't want someone like me there. No father, my mother beats me, and ever since my father died 8 years ago, I have stayed quiet and tried to stay away from people. Once I came to terms with my fathers death, I did try to get back into society, but society didn't want me back.

So now instead I stay locked up in my room, wondering whats it going to be like on this vacation. (Or "wondering: what will it be like on this vacation?") And what is it going to be like to finally come back to the island that the last memory I had was of the perfect family, now broken into a million pieces.

I look at my cell phone to see what time it is. I look down at my packed suitcase of all the clothes and bathing suits I will need for this horrid trip. I grab the jar of sandy sea shells off my wall and shove it in my handbag. Time to fall asleep and wait for the bright awaiting sun to raise, drive up to the school and ride to where my whole life will change. (You changed tense- past to present- so I'm not sure whether to change them to past, or keep them future...)


Mk! That's done! Basically, just some grammatical errors. Definitely watch your comma uses, both overuse and lack thereof. Also, I noticed you like to write in fragments and start sentences with words like "and" and "but". This is fine for dialog or stream of consciousness since that is how people think, but in just straight narrative, any English teacher will kill you for it. So don't do that. ^_^

Other than that, not bad. I know this is just a setup piece, so there's not much actual plot just yet, but there was good description. However, a lot of things were introduced, sometimes without any warning. The fact that her mother beats her seemed out of the blue and almost not fitting. Also, it had a list quality to it, like you were just going down a checklist: beach, check. nice rooms, check. family, check. tragedy, check. It wasn't enough to get a really good picture in my mind. This has potential. You just have to give it a little more love and time.

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Strangerthan

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 13, 2011 1:13 pm


Seemed a little spotty on the characterisation of the mother. Is she depressed her husband's dead and doesn't care about anything or some mean child abusing harpy? You seem to vacillate between the two.
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