I am tired of being powerless...
I guess...You want to know about me...There's a lot of little things that made me the way I am. Like I was born on a Tuesday, it was during the day when it was lightly raining - it doesn't play into my personality I guess, but why not mention it? I hate the Beatles because that was all my mom ever seemed to listen to, especially this one song...over...and over...and over...It annoyed me instead of endearing me to it.
His life had begun with very little incident though he was very silent for the most part only crying when he felt the uncomfortable chill of the air and in protest of being passed around the room and being subjected to blurry face after blurry face. Once his mother held him in her arms he finally settled drifting off to sleep. As the young woman stared down at her healthy and 'perfectly' formed son she gave him his name.
Jude. Jude Xavier Hargrave.
As young Jude grew up there were only a couple things about him that might have been considered odd though the most troubling one was that he seemed unwilling and uninterested learning how to talk beyond quiet babbling at the thin air in front of him though he seemed to be holding 'conversation' because sometimes he'd pause and wait for a response. His parents fretted that perhaps he was somehow developmentally challenged and so they took him from doctor to doctor try and find out what had gone amiss only to find that he was perfectly fine. It wasn't until he was a little over two years old that he began to use actual words - slowly catching up with his peers in terms of speech. The doctors assured his mother that it happened sometimes and she shouldn't worry - totally dismissing the fact that he 'talked' to thin air. The only other concern that was had was that Jude was not quite the cuddly sort of toddler - rarely asking for hugs and usually hanging there limply until the hug was completed and he could go on about his business.
Mom never understood that I was fine. Really. I just wasn't a touchy feely sorta kid...I still am not that touchy feely except for one exception ... but we'll get to that later. Mom never really understood me...But I loved her in my own little way...I don't remember having much to do with my Dad...He was an okay guy he was just there doing whatever it took to get mom to shut up or stop worrying.
...But this isn't about them. This is about me.
There used to be a game a five-year-old Jude would play with the figures he only saw at the peripherals of his vision. He would stand perfectly still and count to five while trying to make sure that the figure didn't move before he would suddenly whirl around to face these phantasms only to be met with empty air. The 'game' entertained him. It was like trying to catch something but he was never certain what he would do when he caught these phantoms but still it was fun. Jude often played on his own unable to make a connection with a majority of his peers because they thought him a little odd because he talked to himself or did a bit of staring off into what seemed to be thin air. The teachers made note of Jude's behavior but for now did nothing about it since he still participated in class time and at least made half-hearted attempts to play with the others - perhaps he was just a late bloomer...
It was dull. It was boring. Except for the things I could see and hear but no one else could. It felt like that...In a way I was way above everyone around me or at least that is what I told myself as a small child. It made life less lonely when you believed you were better than others... I was never afraid of the things I saw though not even when it was in the dark. I never needed a nightlight or a teddy bear to get through the night - I only needed me.
When it came time for the third grade the voices started to bother him and interrupt his schoolwork causing his performance to go down drastically plus some days he slept in class because the visions and things he heard kept him up at night. As a young boy sat before his mother and father he quietly admitted that he heard voices sometimes and his mother almost went into a frenzy and made an appointment with a high end child psychiatrist. For days Jude went in for tests and had to do this or that to show his 'symptoms' but he came up clean and normal - he just heard things. Mother fretted, cajoled, and threatened the psychiatrist before he prescribed a low dose of antipsychotics that made the child feel strange to himself...
I didn't like not feeling in control of myself, being only a part of who I really am. I felt as if I was in a world filled with cotton and plastic parts - nothing felt real anymore. Mom was gullible and I used that to my advantage telling her that I felt all better and eventually convinced her that I didn't need the medication. I guess if her brother hadn't committed suicide over hearing voices she might have not freaked out so bad...Dad just thought I was faking to get attention anyways.
Jude learned to adapt and soon figured out how to just 'ignore' or 'turn off' the voices for a time without it interrupting his daily routine by the time he was in fifth grade he was doing marginally better but he still wasn't the perfect student. It was around this time he was put in the same class as a girl named Susannah Gamble. The girl seemed somehow different from all the rest. She seemed to be like him though he couldn't explain how, he found himself watching the girl from time to time, even following her around quietly but always hiding when she looked to see who was following her. Jude found himself crippled with shyness at the prospect of interacting with her. The young boy followed and observed this girl and the more he saw of her the more he found himself admiring her and when they were both in the seventh grade he soon felt that he was 'in love' with the girl that he had been watching all this time.
I know it is corny but she was someone I'd fallen for even as a young boy. No one else would do. I would write notes to give her to admit my feelings but always crumbling them up because they weren't good enough. I just felt there was something about her...She wasn't like all the others.
He had been in the park for no particular reason other than to just go for a walk and to get away from home. Jude had fight with his Father with whom he was starting to disagree with more and more. He and his father had become like oil and water when before they had perhaps a passing good relationship but it seemed things were changing as Jude became older and started noticing more things about the adults around him. He saw the familiar form of Susannah sitting on her own and quickly noticed that she seemed rather sad that day. Something about her posture spoke of someone that needed to be reached out to. Jude gazed around quickly before he moved to a patch of growing wildflowers while ignoring the 'DO NOT STEP ON THE GRASS' sign.
The rules of signs are for suckers.
The young boy searched and searched until he found a perfectly formed daisy and brought it up to Susannah with a blushing face and fumbling over his words.
"Do...Don't cry. I want to se...See you smile...Susannah."
She accepted the flower and soon her sadness turned to a touched and happy smile. That day they sat at the park and simply talked until nightfall forced them to part ways. They started a friendship that went through the summer and into the new school year. They were inseparable through out the eight grade and in the tenth grade they started dating.
I was always a sucker for a pretty smile...At least for Susannah's smile...Everyone else could eat dirt...I had admitted to her that I see and hear things because I knew she would keep it to herself. It turned out that she could do much the same thing. Thanks to her I became more ... humble and not so full of myself. Susannah taught me to be more patient with others...
Susannah had come to him distraught and obviously very upset. No one was at home but he still gently lead her to his room where he sat with her on the bed and listened to the ordeal she had gone through. The young man felt rage fill him and he saw red - he wanted to go to her home and make sure that the man that had assaulted her would never do it again but Susannah clung to him and talked him out of doing so and so they clung to each other and he simply tried to think of ways to get them out of their situation - mostly just Susannah. He wanted to protect her - promised that he would. Jude would do anything for his Susannah.
I wanted to slit his throat but I couldn't leave her. She assured me that it'd be alright and that he probably wouldn't do it again...I insisted she stay with me for a bit until I found us some help...
Jude had felt hungry, worried, and downtrodden. He was grasping at straws and becoming frustrated with how helpless he felt. He wanted to help his girlfriend but he wasn't sure how. His feet found way to popular neighborhood deli where a young man was working and seemed to take interest in trying to cheer Jude up a little. The man had a corny sort of sense of humor centering around old jokes and weird puns that soon got him the reward of a small smile from Jude.
When Jude finished eating food he left the man a good tip for his efforts.
"Keep that chin up or I'll have to tell you more jokes!" the male threatened cheerfully from where he was serving someone else a meal.
Jude chuckled dryly and shook his head as he left. As far as the teenager knew he would never see this person again. It was an odd encounter on his way to a larger journey.
He seemed like a nice guy. I think his nametag said Tom or something? I dunno...Maybe if I wasn't in such a hurry for help maybe we could have been friends over time...
His life had begun with very little incident though he was very silent for the most part only crying when he felt the uncomfortable chill of the air and in protest of being passed around the room and being subjected to blurry face after blurry face. Once his mother held him in her arms he finally settled drifting off to sleep. As the young woman stared down at her healthy and 'perfectly' formed son she gave him his name.
Jude. Jude Xavier Hargrave.
As young Jude grew up there were only a couple things about him that might have been considered odd though the most troubling one was that he seemed unwilling and uninterested learning how to talk beyond quiet babbling at the thin air in front of him though he seemed to be holding 'conversation' because sometimes he'd pause and wait for a response. His parents fretted that perhaps he was somehow developmentally challenged and so they took him from doctor to doctor try and find out what had gone amiss only to find that he was perfectly fine. It wasn't until he was a little over two years old that he began to use actual words - slowly catching up with his peers in terms of speech. The doctors assured his mother that it happened sometimes and she shouldn't worry - totally dismissing the fact that he 'talked' to thin air. The only other concern that was had was that Jude was not quite the cuddly sort of toddler - rarely asking for hugs and usually hanging there limply until the hug was completed and he could go on about his business.
Mom never understood that I was fine. Really. I just wasn't a touchy feely sorta kid...I still am not that touchy feely except for one exception ... but we'll get to that later. Mom never really understood me...But I loved her in my own little way...I don't remember having much to do with my Dad...He was an okay guy he was just there doing whatever it took to get mom to shut up or stop worrying.
...But this isn't about them. This is about me.
There used to be a game a five-year-old Jude would play with the figures he only saw at the peripherals of his vision. He would stand perfectly still and count to five while trying to make sure that the figure didn't move before he would suddenly whirl around to face these phantasms only to be met with empty air. The 'game' entertained him. It was like trying to catch something but he was never certain what he would do when he caught these phantoms but still it was fun. Jude often played on his own unable to make a connection with a majority of his peers because they thought him a little odd because he talked to himself or did a bit of staring off into what seemed to be thin air. The teachers made note of Jude's behavior but for now did nothing about it since he still participated in class time and at least made half-hearted attempts to play with the others - perhaps he was just a late bloomer...
It was dull. It was boring. Except for the things I could see and hear but no one else could. It felt like that...In a way I was way above everyone around me or at least that is what I told myself as a small child. It made life less lonely when you believed you were better than others... I was never afraid of the things I saw though not even when it was in the dark. I never needed a nightlight or a teddy bear to get through the night - I only needed me.
When it came time for the third grade the voices started to bother him and interrupt his schoolwork causing his performance to go down drastically plus some days he slept in class because the visions and things he heard kept him up at night. As a young boy sat before his mother and father he quietly admitted that he heard voices sometimes and his mother almost went into a frenzy and made an appointment with a high end child psychiatrist. For days Jude went in for tests and had to do this or that to show his 'symptoms' but he came up clean and normal - he just heard things. Mother fretted, cajoled, and threatened the psychiatrist before he prescribed a low dose of antipsychotics that made the child feel strange to himself...
I didn't like not feeling in control of myself, being only a part of who I really am. I felt as if I was in a world filled with cotton and plastic parts - nothing felt real anymore. Mom was gullible and I used that to my advantage telling her that I felt all better and eventually convinced her that I didn't need the medication. I guess if her brother hadn't committed suicide over hearing voices she might have not freaked out so bad...Dad just thought I was faking to get attention anyways.
Jude learned to adapt and soon figured out how to just 'ignore' or 'turn off' the voices for a time without it interrupting his daily routine by the time he was in fifth grade he was doing marginally better but he still wasn't the perfect student. It was around this time he was put in the same class as a girl named Susannah Gamble. The girl seemed somehow different from all the rest. She seemed to be like him though he couldn't explain how, he found himself watching the girl from time to time, even following her around quietly but always hiding when she looked to see who was following her. Jude found himself crippled with shyness at the prospect of interacting with her. The young boy followed and observed this girl and the more he saw of her the more he found himself admiring her and when they were both in the seventh grade he soon felt that he was 'in love' with the girl that he had been watching all this time.
I know it is corny but she was someone I'd fallen for even as a young boy. No one else would do. I would write notes to give her to admit my feelings but always crumbling them up because they weren't good enough. I just felt there was something about her...She wasn't like all the others.
He had been in the park for no particular reason other than to just go for a walk and to get away from home. Jude had fight with his Father with whom he was starting to disagree with more and more. He and his father had become like oil and water when before they had perhaps a passing good relationship but it seemed things were changing as Jude became older and started noticing more things about the adults around him. He saw the familiar form of Susannah sitting on her own and quickly noticed that she seemed rather sad that day. Something about her posture spoke of someone that needed to be reached out to. Jude gazed around quickly before he moved to a patch of growing wildflowers while ignoring the 'DO NOT STEP ON THE GRASS' sign.
The rules of signs are for suckers.
The young boy searched and searched until he found a perfectly formed daisy and brought it up to Susannah with a blushing face and fumbling over his words.
"Do...Don't cry. I want to se...See you smile...Susannah."
She accepted the flower and soon her sadness turned to a touched and happy smile. That day they sat at the park and simply talked until nightfall forced them to part ways. They started a friendship that went through the summer and into the new school year. They were inseparable through out the eight grade and in the tenth grade they started dating.
I was always a sucker for a pretty smile...At least for Susannah's smile...Everyone else could eat dirt...I had admitted to her that I see and hear things because I knew she would keep it to herself. It turned out that she could do much the same thing. Thanks to her I became more ... humble and not so full of myself. Susannah taught me to be more patient with others...
Susannah had come to him distraught and obviously very upset. No one was at home but he still gently lead her to his room where he sat with her on the bed and listened to the ordeal she had gone through. The young man felt rage fill him and he saw red - he wanted to go to her home and make sure that the man that had assaulted her would never do it again but Susannah clung to him and talked him out of doing so and so they clung to each other and he simply tried to think of ways to get them out of their situation - mostly just Susannah. He wanted to protect her - promised that he would. Jude would do anything for his Susannah.
I wanted to slit his throat but I couldn't leave her. She assured me that it'd be alright and that he probably wouldn't do it again...I insisted she stay with me for a bit until I found us some help...
Jude had felt hungry, worried, and downtrodden. He was grasping at straws and becoming frustrated with how helpless he felt. He wanted to help his girlfriend but he wasn't sure how. His feet found way to popular neighborhood deli where a young man was working and seemed to take interest in trying to cheer Jude up a little. The man had a corny sort of sense of humor centering around old jokes and weird puns that soon got him the reward of a small smile from Jude.
When Jude finished eating food he left the man a good tip for his efforts.
"Keep that chin up or I'll have to tell you more jokes!" the male threatened cheerfully from where he was serving someone else a meal.
Jude chuckled dryly and shook his head as he left. As far as the teenager knew he would never see this person again. It was an odd encounter on his way to a larger journey.
He seemed like a nice guy. I think his nametag said Tom or something? I dunno...Maybe if I wasn't in such a hurry for help maybe we could have been friends over time...
I only want to protect her...
