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Name: Deanne Jacobs-Doyle

Nickname: De, Ann, Annie

Age: 20

Birthday: April 1st

Sign: Aries

Gemstone: Diamond

Blood Type: ab+

Fav. Food: Baked salmon and Chocolate covered cherries for desert.

Hated Food: Potatoes.

School: DCU

Hobbies:

Kickboxing - De was the kid at school who was always getting throw into detention for fighting with others. She was the sort to throw a punch or pull someone's hair before thinking and eventually her parents decided that if she was going to be violent they should direct it somewhere. They put her in martial arts classes at first but she was too impatient for them so she switched to kickboxing and hasn't looked back since. She's learned to be pretty good at it but now mostly uses it for exercise and venting aggression from school work and her social life.

Dancing -- At first it -so- wasn't De's thing but when her mother re-married she was shoved in dance classes with her half-sister. The classic stuff bored her to death, though she did like being able to stand on her toes and the fact that you could brain someone with a point shoe, but found that the jazz and modern dance classes were fun. It gave her something to do besides being violent and let her keep moving and driving toward something. She still takes a few classes with her half-sister because it's something they both enjoy.

Cooking -- About the only thing she can do with sharp knives where no one thinks oddly about it. De learned to cook while her mother was single and working a lot. She figured she could take care of dinner and be a 'big girl' and rather enjoyed it. You can always try new things with flavors and textures. There's no end to what you can do in a kitchen and De takes every chance she can get to cook up something weird and new. Usually to her family's enjoyment but occasionally to their chagrin.

Virtues:
"No time for sitting still" Energetic -- De is always going, always moving, always doing something. She can't stand to be sitting still and hanging around while live passes her by. She never seems to run out of energy no matter what else she's done during the day and has been known to run full-tilt until she falls into bed at night. She's always played sports at school (though more to do something than because she liked the sport) to keep herself occupied when not in class.

"Nothing can stop me now" Persistent -- De likes nothing more than for someone to put a brick wall in road so she can throw herself at it completely until she's punched a hole in it, even if that means she ends up with bloody knuckles. She refuses to let herself believe she can't do something and wont let anyone else tell her otherwise either. She believes firmly that no one but her can make the choice as to what she is and isn't capable of.

"To the brave new world!" Adventurous -- Sports, food, travel, De will do anything just because she hasn't done it before. She is always up for trying new things and going new places in the off chance it gives her something new to do or ends up being something she likes. She looked up to all those people in history who did something because they could or because someone said they couldn't and hopes to one day do something like that herself.

Flaws:
You wait for them. I'm going in. Impatient -- De hates being stuck waiting for something and just can't sit still when she knows there's something else to be doing. She wont wait for orders or wait like a good girl. She's going to get up and do what she wants. Now. She's the first to charge into something and damn the consequences. Those can be dealt with later. One of her more blunt teachers told her once that her impatient attitude might get her some where one day, though whether that was into a good job or off a cliff they weren't sure.

"...to know the truth" Conflicted -- Even though De is always doing something she isn't sure it's what she's suppose to be doing. She makes her choice and goes at it with her all (see 'Persistent') but she's always second guessing herself and wondering if what she did was right or if she should have done something else but always too late. She will follow a path to it's end but she can never let go of what path that she missed. If she doesn't keep herself busy doing something she starts to brood and a brooding De makes for a temprematal and angry De. No one wants that. She can ignore the first few questions about why she seems upset but after a couple she’s liable to snap and start yelling about her own insecurities until she’s blue in the face.

"Hey guys! Watch this!" Daredevil -- And not the fun sort either. De has been known to do things that could seriously get her hurt because she just doesn't stop before she does something. She'd be one of the first to volunteer to be shot out of a cannon for experimental purposes without bothering to ask what the risk of neck and spine damage might be. She'd have no problem jumping off a roof just to see if she could and get that rush, never mind that she'd probably break a leg doing it. She doesn't think about the consequences. She just does things because nothing feels quite as good as the rush of adrenalin and fear she gets from it.

PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION

Eyes: Gray, almond shaped.

Hair: Blood-red; long, slightly wavy. Likes to clip up chunks of it to keep out of her eyes.

Face: Angular and fierce.

Clothes:

ON THE CIVILIAN:

DETERMINED and CONFLICTED butt heads a bit for me in this profile. I think you should refine one or the other to explain how she is able to be so determined to do things that she would smash through a wall to do it while still doubting her choices the entire time. Right now, it seems too drastic. I think a little clarification will make these work nicely together.

ON THE SENSHI:

I think the disconnect between her regular/super powers to her eternal is too much. She has a disorientation attack that evolves into a buff for an ally. Also, because her sphere is strife, it doesn't seem like this attack has anything to do with "bitter conflict or rivalry." I think you should revisit this power and make it fall more in line with both your sphere and the previous two attacks. The eternal attack is a very cool idea, but it just doesn't follow with the sphere, I'm afraid.

For her regular/super attack, you might want to add in a line that specifies opponents are still capable of attacking at this point, but it is very confusing/difficult/uncertain in their heads. Otherwise, the duration is probably too long if you were going for a "you are way too confused to even think about hitting her" idea.

I think Conflicted still needs a bit of expansion. Are you saying that she basically blindly plows forward because she doesn't want to think about her uncertainty in life? You have some interesting motivation there, but how does it affect her actions in ways that aren't already covered by her other flaws? Does she start to panic or get anxious / depressed if she DOESN'T have something to busy herself with, for example?


Dysnomia's Eternal attack is definitely sphere appropriate now... however, it's not going to work because it's basically forcing character development on others whose players might not want it. :/ Not every player is going to want to take their Negaverse character in that direction (and for some it might actually be a step BACKWARDS), and for that reason players are not going to want to battle with you because her attack has such a potentially severe effect on the mindset of her target.

I'd look into either making an attack that doesn't involve mind control, or causing a mental / behavioral effect that isn't so invasive towards characters' individual storylines. The idea would be neat to see in an anime or something, but its effectiveness falls short in RP, unfortunately.

ON THE CIVILIAN SIDE

The virtues are all fine! However, they should state why other character's would react positively towards these traits, even if it does seem obvious!

Very minor thing but in the Conflicted virtue it says in parenthetical to see 'Determined.' I believe you mean 'Persistent.' I assume this is just a forgotten thing from one of the past revisions, so it won't bar you from a stamp or anything - just pointing it out.

Furthermore, the Conflicted flaw could stand to be more clear on how her self-doubt is externalized. How do other characters witness her conflicting feelings and view this in a negative way?

ON THE POWERED SIDE

The mental effects for the Scout and Super attacks are a bit too specific for my tastes. Saying that the powers make the opponents "question what they are really fighting for" reads as too strong; I believe a better way of wording this would be a general internal conflict of sorts instead of instructing what the internal conflict is about.

Also, while they are in their conflicted state, are the opponents able to attack? If they are not able to attack, a duration of 15-30 or 30-60 seconds may be too strong. If they cannot attack, I would say that the duration should be 15-30 seconds for both Scout and Super (perhaps 15 for Scout, 30 for Super).

As the powers appear to impact more than one character at a time, how is this power used? Does she need to make physical contact or is it cast in a general area? What is the maximum range that she can cast this power from?

The Eternal attack could use some clarification.

In the first turn, they are impacted by a "violent, jarring push" that "slams against the mind of the designated target." Does this do any damage? If so, what is the damage like? Is there physical damage, or just mental 'damage' and effects? Remember, the previous powers for Strife were not physically offensive, so this should not be any more of a physically offensive power.

In the second turn, is the opponent able to attack in this state? They were left disoriented in the first turn, are they still disoriented in this post?

In the third turn, are they able to attack yet, or are they too disoriented by their thoughts to attack? What "physical effects" fade away? Were there physical effects in the past turns? After this third turn, do any of the conflicted thoughts remain? Any powers the effect the state of mind or thoughts should not be permanent or last very long.

How many seconds does each turn last for? Remember, in big group ORP battles, the pacing is much different than a one-on-one battle, so measuring the duration of these effects by posts isn't a balanced measurement.

I think it would behoove you to be specific in exactly what this power does in each turn (but still be vague in terms of what thoughts the character may face - a general feeling of confliction is fine).


When you are finished with your revisions, please quote me so that I may read over your changes!

ON THE CIVILIAN SIDE

Unfortunately, brooding or being temperamental does not read as an externalization of her Conflicted flaw. It is an externalization, but it is not an externalization that clearly correlates to what she is feeling internally. She can still be broody and temperamental, but if were stated that while angry she vocalizes why she is upset then it would be a proper externalization as other characters would be able to recognize her flaw as being conflicted rather than just being angry.

ON THE POWERED SIDE

The Scout and Super attacks are fine.

For the Eternal attack, what is the range from which this ability can be used?

As for specifications, what I asked for was to be specific about what the power does but to be vague in what thoughts the character may face. If you choose not to do this, that is your decision but I cannot offer a stamp until this is more specific. Again - what thoughts the opponent may face should be vague, but what other effects they should feel should be specific.

For instance, you say that they face "no physical damage, just mental." What is mental damage? What does that feel like? Or is it not 'mental damage' but just mental effects of the powers? What type of disorientation do they face? Dizziness? Confusion? You state that they "are no longer physically disoriented but the mental disorientation" stays. What is the difference between physical and mental disorientation? If the character has a mental sphere, why are they being physically disoriented in the first place?

This ability has numerous effects, and as such it would be helpful for other players to know the answers to these questions so that they can respond properly.

She looks good to me! Have fun!