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Between Appartments (!strong language and violence!)

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Good thus far?
  Too Confusing
  Great!
  Very unorthodox. Thumbs up.
  Very unorthodox. Thumbs down.
  You suck.
  *is highly intrigued*
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Junto Asnani

PostPosted: Sun Feb 05, 2006 1:35 am


[ Message temporarily off-line ]
PostPosted: Sun Feb 05, 2006 2:35 pm


OK I can see that this needs fleshing out into a novel. There's not much you can do till you make these into full chapters that interrelate, unless you want to make short stories of each of them (they're too short now) but if you choose to write the novel keep in mind that the reader will be looking for when the main character is going to step in, the one that they most often see the point of view of and goings on centering around.

Overall very well written and creative. Good job.

Song of Blue


Junto Asnani

PostPosted: Sun Feb 05, 2006 3:37 pm


dramaartwriting
OK I can see that this needs fleshing out into a novel. There's not much you can do till you make these into full chapters that interrelate, unless you want to make short stories of each of them (they're too short now) but if you choose to write the novel keep in mind that the reader will be looking for when the main character is going to step in, the one that they most often see the point of view of and goings on centering around.

Overall very well written and creative. Good job.
This is the prologue of my novel. All of the stories take place in one appartment building, which is why it's called between appartments. The first chapter covers the first half of Sasha, the unnamed assailant, and Joe's stories. The second chapter covers Fred Kayman and Mark's stories. Eventually they all intertwine. It's so cool. razz
PostPosted: Wed Mar 15, 2006 6:09 pm


woot... i like it.. its got me intrigued and trust me when there arent any swords or vampires in it, thats hard to do... save for short stories and poems thoes i tend to read because i know i need to brawden my interests(and learn how to spell but thats beside the point)... but if the book goes on in teh same fasion as the prolouge went in it seems as though it may get confusing but that good kind of confusion... i cant think of the tecnical name for it but im running off an hour of sleep so ya... i cant think of much of anything right now. so before i start rambling sencelessly im just telling you i like your writing

cora_217

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Junto Asnani

PostPosted: Wed Aug 09, 2006 4:30 am


Part of Sasha's story:



Sasha had been at the school late that day and it was getting dark. She hurried home as fast as she could. She didn’t want to be outside in the dark this late at night. This wasn’t a good part of town. Unfortunately, she lived here and she wasn’t moving any time soon. She was almost home when she saw them. A few guys from her school were standing near the entrance of an alley.

They had seen her and she didn’t want to offend them by walking a different way. They were known to be unpredictable and that could make them mad. She took a deep breath and began to walk past them. She said a quick “hello” and that was all. The next hour and a half was a blur for her.

As she sat at home crying, she tried to recall just what had happened. She couldn’t and whatever she could remember was awful. She was bleeding, it seemed, from everywhere. The towels and bandages she had access to were soaked. She had been a virgin, despite living with her boyfriend.

She had emancipated herself from her dad and come to live with Leo when she was sixteen. To avoid any legal problems, they had vowed not to have sex. It was hard, very hard, but they had to. He was nineteen, the legal insinuations were boundless. He worked all day and she went to school, that was that.
Today had been different. She had lost it. She had been violated. She feared what it could mean for the two of them. If she got pregnant, there would be an investigation. Leo might be mad as well. It jeopardized the relationship. She was still sitting in the bathroom crying when Leo came home from work.

“Oh my God,” he gasped as he rounded the corner and came face to face with her in the bathroom, “Baby… What happened?” She looked at him and bit her lip; more tears ran down her face. “Who did this to you, sweetie,” he asked, kneeling in front of her and inspecting the wounds. There were bruises and cuts, her clothes were shredded, her makeup was smeared, and there was a pool of blood between her legs. At least, mostly blood.

“Oh my God,” he said again, realizing what it was. It was semen. Sasha had been raped. He cradled her and picked up the phone. She tried to take it from him. “What? Sasha, we need to get you to the hospital,” he said. “N- No,” she managed, “They would t- take me away from you. Y-you would go to jail.” “We don’t know that for sure, baby,” he replied, wiping a tear from her cheek, “You are the most important person to me, and you need medical attention. If they split us up, I’ll come for you, I swear.” With that, he dialed the phone.

Leo sat next to Sasha as she slept in the hospital bed. The tests wouldn’t be done until tomorrow so he had plenty of time to think Sasha had experienced a severe panic attack in the car and the doctor had to tranquilize her just to take the samples. “Oh, my precious angel,” Leo whispered to the sleeping figure, “I’m so sorry this had to happen to you. I swear… I’ll find the a*****e that did this to you.”

The next day, news fell on him like a bomb when the test results came in. His vow had to be changed. “We found three different people’s semen in her v****a,” the doctor said, casually, “Two more kinds ingested orally.” Leo stared at him, expecting some signs of life or feeling. “So five men raped her,” he asked. “Yes, the good news is she is neither pregnant nor is she infected with an STI,” the doctor said, some sign of a hopeful smile on his face. Leo smiled as best he could as tears rolled down his face, “Okay, thank you, doctor, may I have a copy of the results?” The doctor shook his head, “Sir, you are neither related to, nor liable for this girl. I will have to ask you to leave and I would send you to jail if it weren’t so obvious that this was the first time she’s been penetrated.” Leo hung his head, “At least let me stay until she wakes up.” “I’m afraid that’s illegal, sir,” the doctor replied. Leo wrote a note for Sasha and left it on the table next to her bed as he slowly trudged out of the hospital.

He drove out, just far enough from the hospital so he wouldn’t be seen and sat in his car, staring out at the city from the nice little hill the hospital sat on. He wondered where, exactly, those bastards were. He drove to a pancake house and ate, he went and bought a gun even though there was a five day waiting period. He looked at books on self defense and personal security. He did anything he could as close to the hospital as possible. His cell phone rang, it was Sasha. “Leo,” she whimpered, “Where are you?” “I’m real close, sweetie, don’t worry,” he said, in a nice, calm tone, “Once they move you out of that section of the hospital you can tell them it’s ok for me to visit you.” “Okay,” she sounded a tad relaxed, “I’ll tell them. They just moved me into a new room.” “Okay, Sasha,” Leo said, “I love you.” “I love you too, honey,” she said, “I’ll see you soon.” With that, she hung up.

He drove back to the hospital and was cleared at the front desk to see Sasha. He walked into the room and Sasha tried to get out of bed to hug him. “Stay there, baby. Don’t try to get up,” he said as he kissed her gently and wrapped his arms around her. She began to sob uncontrollably after that. “Leo… I’m sorry. I couldn’t stop them. I wanted to save myself for you. I failed,” she managed to say through the tears. “Honey this was not your fault,” he said, kissing her tenderly while sitting next to her on the bed, “Those men committed a vile crime and they will be punished. Rape, assault… You know how much I hate sexual crimes and crimes against women.” His right hand balled up into a fist and his face began to twist into one of pure rage. “Leo, honey,” she said and kissed him on the cheek, “Don’t do anything bad… I don’t want to be taken from you.” “I won’t do anything bad, Sasha,” he said, calming himself, “I will only do what’s right…”

Two days later Sasha got to come home from the hospital and was given medication from the stitches she had received for the tearing and vaginal trauma she had experienced. As a result she got time off from school and slept a whole lot. As she slept, Leo ran to all ends of the city picking up a few things. He even went a few towns away to find a martial arts supplier where he bought a six foot long staff. He bought an entirely new outfit composed mostly of olive-drab military gear. He also bought some combat boots, a ski mask, and a trench coat. He made sure no one saw him take all this up to his apartment. He put all of his new gear in a large chest that he had received from his grandfather at birth and locked it. Not even Sasha could know what he was planning.
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