No date. No time.


---


It still feels so unreal. I keep thinking that any moment, the doors will open and I’ll be freed. Post bail. Out. Why didn’t I think that this sort of thing could happen? Though, now that it has, I feel stupid not being prepared. Then again, why do I need to be prepared? It’s not like they wanted me here in the first place. No one seems to know me. Good. That’s good, right?

They know Tanzanite. They know Bismuthite. They have met these people, haven’t they, and stayed in their mind. That’s real presence there. Isn’t it a good sign to be known by the enemy? These are our threats. These are who we are afraid of. These are our priorities. Bismuthite isn’t even a captain and he’s made it far. What did he do? I’m worried he’s going to get caught. He’s not familiar with all of this. Has he even gotten used to killing yet? They keep asking me for his name. Not mine. Not anyone I know. Just Bismuthite. I don’t give them an answer, but I know they really want it. He did something great. I’m not proud. I should be. I should be laughing that a lieutenant has made them this angry.

They’re only angry with me because I won’t tell them. I haven’t’ done anything else.

I’m hungry.

I wish I could sleep.



----



My fingers keep getting worse. I might lose them. Sometime, I hear rats, but none have come into my cell. I’m glad. They’d eat them, I’m sure. I can’t stand the smell of my fingers. Of me. I thought of summer once. Funny. The burnt smell of charcoals. With sun. My birthday. Lots of sun. Green grass.

My fingers look a little green.

What if I lose a hand? Could I recover? Aree would probably laugh at me. She’s missing an arm, but she has a youma one instead. They are afraid of that arm. I wonder if they would be more afraid if I had a youma hand. They were afraid of my eye for a bit, but now they laugh.
Like on the playground.

Even without her arm, Tanzanite still makes them shiver. I wonder where you get that presence. The presence to make fear….or to be a joke.

No one laughs at Tanzanite.



----


I saw Elliot. Birhan came to open the door, and he passed by in the hallway. Walking. Looking. Sniffing around. I think he’s lost.


---



The Queen promoted me not on an achievement or a reward gained, but because I was weak. I lost my eye and she promoted me to be able to fight.

I haven’t earned anything. I have done nothing. No one knows my name.



---



My mother showed up. She was sitting on the table. She asked me if these were the great plans I had for myself. If this is why I left a good, normal life in her guidance? That this was where I wound up.

Was I happy with myself?



---



She’s gone now. Elliot is barking somewhere. I told him to shut up, but I can’t make a noise. They’ll hear me.



---



I can’t fall asleep. My legs hurt too much. Sometimes I feel my heart racing for no reason. I’m worried.

While I was awake, I got a little reminiscent. I thought of Nealite. She first trained me to kill. Back then, she thought I’d progress and become a captain. I doubt she’d be proud now. Captain or not. I wish we could have had tea again. I could go for tea. Something hot. Anything to drink.
I wish she was still around. She was strong, but she didn’t die with any nobility. I had wanted to be able to be proud of her. I don’t pity them. Charnoite and Nealite. I feel sad.

Will people feel sad about my death or will I be a nameless grave? Like team Tra-La. I never knew their names. I never met enough people. Negas. Senshi. I gave up everything, and what did I do? I should have done something. I don’t know. Something. Something. Something.

It’s hard to think with all that barking.



---




I woke up and saw I was out of uniform, but when I looked over the senshi who guards me, they didn’t notice. None of them did. The door was open. Senshi passed. No one noticed.

I then woke up, and saw I was back in uniform. Must have been a dream.

Then again, why would they notice? I’m the same. Nothing’s changed.



---


I don’t hear the barking. I’m worried something happened. I try whistling at times, to get Elliot’s attention, but he doesn’t come. I think they found him.



---



I heard screaming again. I don’t know who it is anymore. Sometimes I think it’s mine, echoing back after traveling down the corridors.



---


I wanna go home.