Dietrich lay in his bed staring at the ceiling, suddenly glad he had wasted his money on the bandages he'd bought when he cut his shoulder in Elysion. He hadn't ended up needing them then but it would be nice to have something to cover his cuts while they healed; he was also glad he apparently healed faster now that he had awakened to his senshi powers. He lifted a hand up, palm up and pointed toward the ceiling, and just stared at it. He'd taken all those hits from those two lieutenants, but they'd caught on much too quickly on the effects of Gianfar's power. In fact they caught on quicker than the first one in Elysion. Maybe...maybe it was time to learn some new tricks. He wasn't much of a fighter; maybe it was time to change that. While Gianfar had no weapon there had been far too many times where he had been left in a situation where his inexperience would just not cut it. A simple kick here, a well-thrown punch or two there..it wasn't enough. What Dietrich had just experienced, what he had seen, it was probably nothing compared to the others but it still struck a chord within him. He had been mostly useless, not for lack of serious trying, though he did strike at the Black Phoenix really well near the end. But before then...before then he'd been so determined to protect her. To protect that monster. But how did she become such a monster? Sure, he had seen her those two times in Elysion and the second time had really stuck with him, but neither of those times had he considered her or any of the others monsters. What had they done? The Blood Moon Court had done something.
What he'd seen of the general had been someone proud and strong, who was surely respected amongst her fellow agents. Had he been on their side? He could possibly admire her. Or fear her. Or both. At this point he just feared her. What had happened to turn her into...that? He rolled over to lie on his side, wincing a bit as he laid on cuts and sores. What confused him most was how passionate he'd been to protect that youma. That monster of a youma. He had thought her beautiful and magnificent, and sure she was those things but to protect that? It made him feel rather sick to his stomach. He didn't enjoy it. He felt like he was committing betrayal to the senshi. Then again, he had felt...corrupted. He had felt empty, like a shell of himself. He hated that feeling and never wanted to experience it ever again.
Dietrich pressed a hand to his chest to make sure it was still solid and to be completely sure it wasn't just a gaping black hole where his starseed had once been. No hole. His starseed was safe. His life was safe. He would rather die than become one of them. But the camaraderie, the pure joy he saw on their faces when their general returned to them as a General Queen...it was as if a part of them had returned. Like a child who was being reunited with their mother. Wasn't their loyalty to their queen? Ugh, why was this so confusing? He didn't like confusing thoughts that kept him up at night! He didn't want to feel like a traitor, he really, really didn't. This wasn't like him though, he normally felt so sure of himself, so confident in his actions. He didn't do anything without thinking it through, without taking the pros and cons...and yet last night had gone against everything he stood for. Not the trying to destroy the youma and protect people from dying part, it was the allowing himself to be so easily fooled into doing something he couldn't truly find it in his heart to do part.
And yet protecting the youma had felt as natural as destroying the youma.
He groaned and closed his eyes, hiding his face in his pillow in complete and utter shame. He was ashamed. Everyone else had been forced to do the same thing but he had no idea how they felt on this matter, all that mattered to him was that he felt disgusted with himself. Maybe he should find someone to talk to about this...but who? Definitely someone who was there. Who was there that he knew and he knew how to find? Perseus would be the easiest, and she had been one of the first along with him to be 'corrupted'. Dietrich paused a moment as he was reminded of that experience that felt like it'd been going on for so long; cold, empty, yet so passionate and so prepared to die for a cause. He'd never felt that way, he'd never proclaimed to anyone he was ready to die for something or someone. Never.
What he'd seen of the general had been someone proud and strong, who was surely respected amongst her fellow agents. Had he been on their side? He could possibly admire her. Or fear her. Or both. At this point he just feared her. What had happened to turn her into...that? He rolled over to lie on his side, wincing a bit as he laid on cuts and sores. What confused him most was how passionate he'd been to protect that youma. That monster of a youma. He had thought her beautiful and magnificent, and sure she was those things but to protect that? It made him feel rather sick to his stomach. He didn't enjoy it. He felt like he was committing betrayal to the senshi. Then again, he had felt...corrupted. He had felt empty, like a shell of himself. He hated that feeling and never wanted to experience it ever again.
Dietrich pressed a hand to his chest to make sure it was still solid and to be completely sure it wasn't just a gaping black hole where his starseed had once been. No hole. His starseed was safe. His life was safe. He would rather die than become one of them. But the camaraderie, the pure joy he saw on their faces when their general returned to them as a General Queen...it was as if a part of them had returned. Like a child who was being reunited with their mother. Wasn't their loyalty to their queen? Ugh, why was this so confusing? He didn't like confusing thoughts that kept him up at night! He didn't want to feel like a traitor, he really, really didn't. This wasn't like him though, he normally felt so sure of himself, so confident in his actions. He didn't do anything without thinking it through, without taking the pros and cons...and yet last night had gone against everything he stood for. Not the trying to destroy the youma and protect people from dying part, it was the allowing himself to be so easily fooled into doing something he couldn't truly find it in his heart to do part.
And yet protecting the youma had felt as natural as destroying the youma.
He groaned and closed his eyes, hiding his face in his pillow in complete and utter shame. He was ashamed. Everyone else had been forced to do the same thing but he had no idea how they felt on this matter, all that mattered to him was that he felt disgusted with himself. Maybe he should find someone to talk to about this...but who? Definitely someone who was there. Who was there that he knew and he knew how to find? Perseus would be the easiest, and she had been one of the first along with him to be 'corrupted'. Dietrich paused a moment as he was reminded of that experience that felt like it'd been going on for so long; cold, empty, yet so passionate and so prepared to die for a cause. He'd never felt that way, he'd never proclaimed to anyone he was ready to die for something or someone. Never.
"You don't know what's been given up...but all you do is TAKE how COULD you understand."
"Don't you have anything... that matters to you more than what you WANT?"
"I would die for her."
"Perhaps you should. For the greater good... think about it..." The voice soothing but judging. "You aren't thinking about anyone else you hurt... so let me SHOW you."Who had he hurt? He'd fought youmas and negaverse, but who had he hurt? He never attacked civilians; he would never do something like that. Never. So then who had he hurt? That general had looked like a kid...who was he? Was he some gradeschooler? Perhaps that was what she meant, that Gianfar wasn't thinking beyond the glamour? He hoped that was what she meant, but if it was he still felt bad. Damnit! He didn't want to feel guilty about this!
Sighing in irritation Dietrich looked up at his clock to see what time it was.
Was it so late already? Time was just flying by. Why wasn't he asleep? He was so tired he'd passed out as soon as he felt his bed but now he'd been awake for a good couple of hours now. Ugh, this sucked. He wanted to sleep. He wanted these thoughts to end. Why couldn't he be sure? Why couldn't he just know the answers right this second? He needed help, and he was going to have to find it somehow. Finally he gave up on trying to do this silly thing called 'sleep' and sat up, ruffling his hair and wincing when he was reminded that he was bashed in the friggin' head with an antler.
Seriously? Antlers and plastic toy guns? This was that they were fighting against? In terms of weapons he'd much rather fight General Tanzanite; at least she looked like the kind of person you would think is trying to destroy the world. Antlers and plastic toy guns were anything but intimidating. But whatever. He opened a drawer in his nightstand and picked up a green phone, his senshi phone. Maybe he should call Perseus? Was she even awake? He doubted it, if anything she was probably unconscious like everyone else. Maybe he should wait until tomo--er...later. He'd wait until later when it'd be more likely for her to be awake. Though it was seriously tempting to call her now.
The phone was tossed back into the drawer and the drawer was slammed closed. Dietrich then stood and began to pace, limping a bit thanks to that hit on his thigh. This sucked. Why couldn't things go back to the way they were? He was happy; he was content just going about his day and going to school, coming home, hanging out with friends, playing with his bike, and then at night occasionally going out for patrol. But it wasn't enough, was it? He had to work harder. He needed something important, he needed to figure out where his loyalties lied. It was back to his earlier thoughts.
Something had happened to enrage the general that way. Something had happened to cause that explosion. The senshi had done something...
What had the senshi done?
He muttered to himself as he leaned against a wall and slid down to sit, bending his knees and supporting his elbows against his thighs, his hands pressed against his face and fingers threading through and grasping tightly at whatever hair they could reach.
Dietrich wished life could go back to being easy and carefree.
Sighing in irritation Dietrich looked up at his clock to see what time it was.
Was it so late already? Time was just flying by. Why wasn't he asleep? He was so tired he'd passed out as soon as he felt his bed but now he'd been awake for a good couple of hours now. Ugh, this sucked. He wanted to sleep. He wanted these thoughts to end. Why couldn't he be sure? Why couldn't he just know the answers right this second? He needed help, and he was going to have to find it somehow. Finally he gave up on trying to do this silly thing called 'sleep' and sat up, ruffling his hair and wincing when he was reminded that he was bashed in the friggin' head with an antler.
Seriously? Antlers and plastic toy guns? This was that they were fighting against? In terms of weapons he'd much rather fight General Tanzanite; at least she looked like the kind of person you would think is trying to destroy the world. Antlers and plastic toy guns were anything but intimidating. But whatever. He opened a drawer in his nightstand and picked up a green phone, his senshi phone. Maybe he should call Perseus? Was she even awake? He doubted it, if anything she was probably unconscious like everyone else. Maybe he should wait until tomo--er...later. He'd wait until later when it'd be more likely for her to be awake. Though it was seriously tempting to call her now.
The phone was tossed back into the drawer and the drawer was slammed closed. Dietrich then stood and began to pace, limping a bit thanks to that hit on his thigh. This sucked. Why couldn't things go back to the way they were? He was happy; he was content just going about his day and going to school, coming home, hanging out with friends, playing with his bike, and then at night occasionally going out for patrol. But it wasn't enough, was it? He had to work harder. He needed something important, he needed to figure out where his loyalties lied. It was back to his earlier thoughts.
Something had happened to enrage the general that way. Something had happened to cause that explosion. The senshi had done something...
What had the senshi done?
He muttered to himself as he leaned against a wall and slid down to sit, bending his knees and supporting his elbows against his thighs, his hands pressed against his face and fingers threading through and grasping tightly at whatever hair they could reach.
Dietrich wished life could go back to being easy and carefree.
