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 Posted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 9:51 pm
Things were not quite the same since they'd been back. Not that anyone could blame any of the students for this. That trip had been beyond Hell. There were no words strong enough to describe what it had been like. But the tortured and fractured students were proof enough of how unbelievably hellish it had all been. Even she hadn't come out of this unscathed. And she couldn't claim she was better at hiding it either. More like there were others that had more severe scars that were more noticeable. LW wouldn't tell her friends that almost every night she relived the debris falling from the ceiling, taking away bits of her life with it until that final one took the last of what she had left in her. Nor did she tell them that she saw the death of her best friend repeated over and over again. She had felt alone and afraid when she died, thinking she'd never see her friends again. But she had them. Mostly.
Sighing, she moved away from her window, one of two places she could be found lately when alone. The other was outside, were she felt like she was able to breathe instead of suffocate inside the dorms. Her closest friends were still recovering from the trip. It was hard to watch. Hard to cope with. Yet one of them had to remain strong, right? No she didn't think she was the right one for that. But the she-wolf couldn't bring herself to let her horrors show. If all four of them kept being down, they'd never find the chance to take that first step back into normalcy. And she wasn't strong. Wasn't the fact she was hiding her feelings and terrors from them proof of that?
That restless feeling started to overcome her and she felt closed in again. Fresh air. Wide open space. She wanted to go outside. No...that's not it. She didn't want to be alone. In her room with no familiar faces nearby. And then her mind jumped immediately to her best friend. Ren. She worried about him the most. Gabrian too, but Ren...he wasn't himself. And it pained her to see him like that. Her best friend was supposed to be an absurdly witty and humorous individual. Not...what he was now.
Her chest constricted and LW made the decision to go check on him. She really hadn't visited her best friend alone like she usually did. Perhaps it was time she attempted this? A weight at against her leg made her glance down. Her hazmutt, Austin, whined and pawed at the door they stood in front of. He'd been exceptionally clingy to his lady master since she got back. And apparently, a trip to Ren's room was his perfect idea of a walk. Small smile directed at him, she opened the door and the two padded down the hall, up the stairs and down that hall until they stood in front of the room above her own.
It took more effort than it should have to open his door, but she managed (with help from Austin, he bumped it with more force to open it wide enough that they could enter) and stepped quietly within, shutting the door just as quietly before turning to scan the room until she spotted the all too familiar form of her best friend. Hand curled against the top of Austin's head, LW stepped further into the room with a soft, "Ren...?" Was he awake? She'd turn right back around if he was sleeping. The gryphon needed sleep badly.
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Posted: Sat Apr 02, 2011 4:39 pm
It was early afternoon when Ren awoke, for what was about the fourth time. He had dozed on and off for most of the night, waking every few minutes, it seemed, drenched in sweat and gasping for air. Instead of lessening as the days went by, his nightmares were getting progressively worse. It was now to the point where Ren was forcing himself to stay awake for hours on end, days even, until he could no longer hold himself awake and would finally crash. He was rapidly losing both his energy and any sense of self he might have once had. Dragging himself around the campus as if on autopilot, Ren blindly followed his friends to classes, most of the time holding hands with at least one of them, leaning against another for not only support, but for the mere physical contact. Ren craved it, was desperate just for another person's warmth, another person's fingers linked through his. It made him feel less weak, less pathetic, and he felt more like his old self when he was able to hold onto another person.
Or at least, he had been. Until now. Now all Ren felt was a sort of deadness inside, an odd sort of calm that would have weirded him out normally. He did not particularly care for anything, nor did he make an effort to try and do the things he normally would have. His Scarestation was sitting in its place under his skelevision set, the dust on top of it at least an inch thick, matching the dust atop his Skareoke set. The clothes had started to pile up in mismatched heaps over the floor of his room, and several drawers of his dresser were left hanging open, as if he did not have the strength to even close them.
Being with the others was one thing; being with the others and feeling both suffocated by them and desperate for affection was another. Ren could not control his emotions; one day they would be up and he would find safety and comfort in the arms and words of his friends, and then the next day he felt stifled and craved some time alone. It was like sitting in the front seat of a rollercoaster, going up and down and up and down until his body ached and his head was spinning and he no longer could tell what was up and what was down.
Ren curled his hands around his legs, drawing his knees up to his chest as he lay on his side on his bed, the covers drawn up to his shoulders. The only pet he had beside him today was Phantomhive; the scareon was curled next to his head, one of his wings resting atop Ren's pillow, his muzzle resting in Ren's hair. Rhys was asleep in his normal dresser drawer, and the various foxfires Ren had about his room were all nestled in a pile, sound asleep.
He wanted to sleep; so badly it almost hurt. And his hand was aching again, the burning sensation slowly returning. Ren had a feeling it would never quite go away.
There was a soft click; someone was opening his door. Then -
"...Ren?"
A soft voice, quiet but familiar. Ren raised his head only briefly to see the shewolf standing in his room, shifting a little awkwardly, her hazmutt resting in her arms.
"Hey, wolflove," Ren said, laying his head back down and hugging a pillow to his chest. "What's up?"
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Posted: Sat Apr 02, 2011 5:40 pm
She was starting to wonder if maybe she shouldn't have bothered him. That maybe he was sleeping. Or trying to and now she was delaying that possibility. But the minute she heard his voice, she couldn't help but let it draw her farther into the room. It was familiar. Comforting. And something she missed hearing.
Her movements were still slow, still held that hesitation. Ren hadn't been himself lately. Would he even want her here? Did it matter? She had to check on him. Had to make sure he was alright. LW couldn't help it. The gryphon was her best friend and would always hold a special spot within her no matter what. But seeing him as he was, she felt...helpless. What could she even do to help him? All that would come to her mind was to be there for him.
"Hey." LW moved closer to the bed, but stopped at the end. "I...I thought I'd come visit. Say hi." He hadn't been sleeping. Like usual. It hurt seeing him like this. Wanting to do something but unable to. Well, she probably could do something, but it wasn't in the she-wolf. No, she couldn't show him how much it pained her seeing him like this. So LW did the only thing she could. Masked the hurt with a false smile and did her best to act like herself. Mostly.
Her gaze traveled around his room, taking in the piles of clothing, dresser drawers hanging open. Jack, did he even remember to feed himself? She should have brought something with her. Even if all she would have been able to grab was a small bag of chips. At least it would be something!
At her side, Austin sat and calmly stared around, leaning against his lady masters leg. LW's hand still rested atop his head and her fingers curled against her palm. "Ren..." Her gaze went back to him. "I miss you." It was soft, almost like she was afraid to say it. And yes, she missed being around him and hearing his voice. But what she missed the most was himself. The Ren that was hidden under it all. Their Ren. Hers, Gabrian's and Alessa's.
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Posted: Sat Apr 02, 2011 8:35 pm
It had been a few hours, perhaps a day, since Ren had last seen his best friend. LW had been spending a lot of time with Gabrian and especially Alessa; the two ghouls needed the time to themselves to just talk and be together. Ren, on the other hand, had been studiously trying to balance his need for physical contact and the anxiety that had him constantly looking over his shoulder and feeling jittery. That, combined with his extreme lack of sleep was making him feel extremely odd - and not in a good way.
He managed a weary smile at LW. "I'm glad," he said, though there was a distinct lack of energy in his voice. He could not even manage to muster up enough strength to move over and let her curl beside him on the bed. It made him feel extraordinarily guilty, as well as horrible, but he was in one of his rollercoaster moods again - one that he had no control over.
Ren hated himself, hated this. This...complete and utter...deadness. He could not seem to rid himself of it, could not seem to get rid of the despair inside of his soul. His throat felt raw, his head spinning as he turned to look at LW again.
"Ren...I miss you."
The words - the simple words - jolted into him with a force stronger than Ren could explain. He did not want to hear those words; did not want to hear that he had, in fact, caused a situation where LW would be missing him. And he had caused this - caused the pain he could hear clearly in each and every syllable of the word.
His heart constricted painfully, but Ren pushed that aside, swallowing back the guilt, the anger at himself. No, he didn't deserve LW. Just like he didn't deserve Gabrian or Alessa; they were too good for him, too much for someone like him. He deserved none of their affections, none at all. Not after he had failed them so terribly.
"Sorry," Ren answered her, turning his face away as he curled up on his side, hugging a pillow to his stomach again. "I've been...I've been busy, you know. Getting used to things. Trying to get Rhys to settle down again, keep from throwing my things out the window."
His voice sounded odd; strained, though he was attempting to sound nonchalant and calm. "You know," he said. "The usual."
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Posted: Sat Apr 02, 2011 10:44 pm
Why did they ever have to go on that Jack forsaken field trip? It had ripped the things most precious to them all away like someone pulling the wings off a butterfly. The happy and carefree times they'd spent with one another. Smiling, laughing, being idiots together. All of it was stripped away as they worked to recover. Worked to forget what had happened. Each and every one of them handled it differently. Some had an easier time putting it all behind them and taking that first step back into their lives. Others however, suffered. They couldn't pull themselves out of that oblivion of pain and nightmares. The she-wolf was somewhere in between, treading water. She was not one of the ones deeply submerged into the dark depths.
But Ren was. Very deeply submerged. To a point that yes, LW had fears he wouldn't return. Wouldn't come back to them. That he'd remain broken. And it tore her apart.
She heard his words. Heard his voice and felt...LW didn't know what she felt. It was wrong. His voice was wrong. That wasn't Ren. Not the Ren that was her best friend. But what got to her more, was the lie. It was a lie. His words. His voice. The gryphon before her was a lie. A shell.
Fingers curled painfully into her palm now as she fought to keep from letting him see her lose it. How would that help? Simple. It wouldn't. She had to try and be who she was. A concerned friend. Someone he could trust. Always and forever his best friend. Even if he could no longer remember that.
"The usual, huh?" She tried, but even to her own ears her voice lacked its usual amused tone.
It was a small thing really, in the long run, but when he turned his face away, LW felt a part of her break and fall away. She used every bit of her will power to hide this from him. Not that he was looking anyways. Moving closer one step at a time, she finally stood beside his bed. Hesitantly, hand shaking though she tried to keep it still, LW reached out and placed it gently against his shoulder.
"Don't apologize, Ren." She hadn't meant for any of her feelings to escape, but her tone was softer and not quite harsh, but it was firm. Jack damn him, he was not going to apologize. Not while he was like...this. Did he even know why he was saying the word anyways? Or did he really mean it? "You have nothing to apologize for." She added on after a beat, trying to cover up her previous tone.
Jack. It was so hard to see him in this state. She would give anything to have her Ren back. "I...D-Do you...want me to take Rhys for a day? Give you a break?" She'd play along with his lie then. If that was what she had to do. And it wasn't the first time she had done this before. It was the least she could do right now, even if it wasn't much and probably wouldn't change anything. Except maybe give Rhys some attention that he'd probably been lacking. Which made her think to look around at his other pets. Where they hungry?
"When's the last time any of you ate?" She heard herself asking, frowning again at the state of his room. And before the small bit of her mind that worked could catch up, she said the words resting at the tip of her tongue. "And don't lie to me, Ren. Answer truthfully." Her voice wavered a little. Jackdamnit. Her emotions were getting the better of her. She was calling him out on his lie. Reminding him in a way that she knew him better then that. Violet eyes, duller than usual, looked back down at him. Waiting.
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Posted: Sun Apr 03, 2011 9:24 am
Ren closed his eyes, trying to block out the pain he could hear so obviously in LW's voice. It was there - raw and clear, despite the fact that she was trying to sound normal. He couldn't take that; he knew he was hurting her, knew that she was probably wondering what she had done wrong, but he couldn't stop himself, nor could he let her see him the way he was. That would only cause her more pain; knowing that she couldn't do anything about the fact that he was hurting, both physically and mentally. His hand was useless; Ren knew there would be no way of fixing it, no way of mending it. It would ache on and off for the rest of his life, and there would be a scar there; faint, barely visible unless one looked really close, but it was there, stretched two inches across his palm.
He still didn't look at her. "Rhys?" he said, glancing at the lepus questioningly. There was no doubt that the little rabbit had been unusually docile since he had returned (though Rhys was giving him an exasperated look from Ren's earlier statements about him causing trouble), but Ren still did not have the energy to deal with him - with any of his pets, really. He loved them - even Rhys - and he got up every few hours to make sure they had food and water (even he, in his pathetic and miserable state, was not that cruel), but he had not walked them like he used to. Takashiro and Rhys especially had grown restless, and Phantomhive had taken to nosing his way out of the normally locked window to fly for a while.
"Don't apologize, Ren. You have nothing to apologize for."
Why was it so easy for her? Why couldn't she see that he had everything to apologize for? His entire being felt like one giant failure. He had failed them, failed to be the friend he claimed to be. This entire Jacking situation was his fault; if he hadn't been weak enough to die first, then none of the others would have been so upset by it. They wouldn't have had to go through the pain he had caused them.
He glanced at Rhys again, one of the lepus' ears flicking upwards interestedly as he hopped across the bed towards LW. "Sure," he answered her. "You can take him for a day. He'd probably like the company."
Rather, he would like live company, since the way Ren was acting he was just a pathetic heap in his bed. It was a good thing Ren had very clean tendencies; the room did not smell, mostly because when he was trying to keep himself from thinking about things, he would clean, and clean obsessively, until every little thing was shining. It had been a few days, however, and Ren had lost energy.
LW's hand on his shoulder made him jerk slightly, his body twitching unintentionally. He curled deeper into himself, hugging the pillow to his stomach with an iron grip. "I...I just ate," Ren answered her. A lie, but he was not hungry and could not keep anything down as it was. Right now he could not have eaten anything even if he wanted to try. "And they ate around noon."
That wasn't a lie; Ren had gotten up to feed them properly, though he couldn't ignore the fact that his pets were, in fact, bored. They had been good to him, but they were growing increasingly tired of no games, no playing, no walking. Ren needed to get his strength back up, but it was difficult when he could not keep his food down.
"Er, thanks, LW," he said, keeping that horrible neutral tone to his voice. It made his chest ache, but he could not face her right now; did not want her to see the way he was. "I'm just...I'm just tired. Take Rhys, if you want. He'll have fun with you. He always does."
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Posted: Sun Apr 03, 2011 11:08 am
The longer she stayed in here, the more she felt pieces of her falling apart. Nothing her mind could think of would help. She knew, deep down, that there wasn't anything she actually could do for him. Not really. This was a battle that he had to win on his own. One of mind and heart. All she was able to do was watch from the sidelines and cheer him on. Though she was beginning to feel that even this was not reaching him.
She could feel it. LW tried not to but it was impossible for her not to ignore it. His responses, reactions, the way he wouldn't even look at her anymore. He was beginning to shut her out. And that all but crushed her.
"Yes. Rhys." The she-wolf replied, watching the lepus hop her way. She held her arms out to him, having a slight feeling that it might be more than a day the little deviant stayed with her. Especially since her own pets would provide him playmates with more energy. Unless the lepus clung to her. Could he feel the same thing she could? How his master was losing himself? LW gave Rhys a sad look, scratching at his ears. "I'll...don't worry. I'll take him off your hands for a little bit."
He flinched at her touch. LW left her hand on his shoulder for a beat, lightly squeezing it before dropping her hand. She took a step back from the bed, feeling...what? What was it she felt besides the pain? The absolute helplessness of watching him suffer. Useless. She felt useless to him. Because she couldn't do anything.
LW stared down at the lepus, feeling her eyes cloud and water. Yes. He was tired. And she was being a bother now. Or that was how it felt. And the words were what she'd expect to hear after offering to take Rhys. But...they made her feel...feel like the metaphorical door had been closed. That she was being locked out now. Leave. Give him the space he needs. The she-wolf moved to the side of his bed one last time, not caring if he flinched or turned away. Leaning down, she placed a soft kiss against his brow. "You're welcome, kitten." Backing completely away from the bed, she clutched the lepus in her arms and reached out to curl her fingers against her hazmutt.
"G-Get some sleep, Ren. We'll...l-leave you be." Yes. That was all she could do, wasn't it? Shut out, there was nothing more that she could do other than what she had done. She turned away from him as the liquid brimming her eyes began to fall. Before she went for the door, she hesitated and glanced back over her shoulder. "Never forget, dear heart. I'm always there for you." She whispered, not sure if he'd even hear it. Then before she broke down completely, she slipped out of the room, lepus and hazmutt the only ones to see the tears slide down her face.
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Posted: Mon Apr 04, 2011 9:06 pm
It hurt. Oh, Jack did it hurt. Ren could hear the pain in LW's voice with each word she spoke, and each syllable was like a stab to his own heart. He hated this; hated feeling the way he was, weak and pathetic and useless to help his own best friend, helpless to provide any sort of comfort to her whatsoever.
"G-Get some sleep, Ren. We'll...l-leave you be."
Her voice was trembling. He squeezed his eyes shut, fingers clenching in the blankets of his bed, turning his face away from her, not wanting to see the expression he knew would be there. His heart could not take much more than it already had; LW's stricken face, combined with her sad, despondent voice, would be enough to break him completely.
Her footsteps faded. There was a small click as the door shut, LW's voice drifting over to him, hardly audible, before the door muffled the rest. All Ren caught was "...here for you." He did not need to know what the rest was; that much was obvious.
It's better this way, Ren thought, but he was not convinced, even as he repeated this inside of his mind, over and over again until it was the only thing. It's better this way, it's better this way, it's better this way...
His head felt like someone was pressing against his skull. Ren buried his face into the pillows, inhaling the scent of cinnamon, mixed with cookie dough and something else that was purely his own room, his special place of sanctuary and the place where he felt more at home than anywhere else, including his own house. And now it felt...different. Ren's chest constricted again, and he let out a small, gasping sob, hugging the pillow so tightly his knuckles were turning white.
It's better this way.
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