[PRP] On Watch (Refugees)

[Kimaria]

She had opted to take first watch that night, partly because she liked to feel that she was pulling her weight and partly because - despite her exhaustion - sleep never seemed to come easily any more. Nightmares plagued her there in the darkness of her sleeping mind. And, in some ways, those nightmares were worse than reality. In them she was always weak and pathetic, unable to do anything to save her friends and family. Reduced to a blabbering, pathetic mess. There was no control and the images were so horribly vivid that even when she woke, they were there: printed on the backs of her eyelids. And in them, always, was the memory of seeing her mate fall in battle. Always she tried to reach him and every time she was captured and dragged away. She would scream out his name and his eyes would lift to regard her sadly.

Then there was nothing.

Roho never spoke of the dreams. After all, why bother the rest of the group when they had their own pains to bear? She was not the only one to have lost loved ones. She would not burden them with her own troubles.

And so she paced slowly back and forth, counting her steps as she patrolled just within the line of trees they had chosen for their temporary shelter. Her eyes, though dull from lack of sleep, were watchful and almost unblinking as she scanned the distant horizon. For now there was nothing at all. Just the empty world: silent and cold and unforgiving. Sometimes she fancied she saw the shapes of familiar lions out there, silhouetted against the twilight sky. Shapes of family and friends who she had thought slain but had managed - somehow - to escape and find their way to them. It was a false hope but...if they had done it, perhaps others had, too. Maybe they were wandering the rogue lands looking for a destination just as they were. Maybe someday, they'd meet again.

"After all." She whispered. "The world is not as large as one might think."

She had stilled her pacing now, standing square, head and tail up. She tested the air with her nose. Nothing. Shifted her ears from front to back. Nothing. And took another long look at the horizon. Nothing again. Even still, she felt unnerved and a nervous twitch started in the muscles of a shoulder as she turned to begin her pacing once again. After all, she did not think that the foreign ones were beyond sending out scouts to find them and try to bring them back. Except Roho had decided that she would sooner die fighting than allow herself to be taken captive again.  

[Mimsey]

Mizuka had been avoiding Roho. Which was no easy task, considering what they'd been through. Considering that in these painful days, he'd seen more of his sister since...well, since they'd been cublings. And yet, he'd managed to avoid her. To withdraw, even as their group grew closer. Close enough to breathe the same air. Close enough that, for Mizuka, it might as well have been a noose.

At every step, he waited for it. He waited for Roho to say the inevitable. He'd gotten his wish, after all. Here they were, out in the wilderness and the open spaces he'd always dreamed of! Free to make his own life! It felt sour in his mouth. Instead of free, they felt lost. And he wasn't a bold, lone rogue- but just another sad, shaking member of their group. He wasn't even the leader. He had no doubt that if it hadn't been for Nawvlee...

It was late. He knew better then to confront her, espiecially considering what happened last time. But that argument felt like a long time ago, even if it was only days. How much everything had changed since then that he didn't even know if this was not all some strange dream.

But the stinging of his eyes was real. As was the tension that gripped his body, ready to fight on the slightest unwelcome sound. If it was a dream, it was lasting all too long. If it was a dream, he still did not have the words.

"You don't have to take the first watch," nice way to start. They'd always been competitive. It was hard not to just pick up where they'd left off.
 

[Kimaria]

She glanced over her shoulder and stared silently at him for a long time. In this light, her unusually bright blue eyes seemed somewhat eerie. The silence spoke volumes.
 
They’d always been rather different in their ways and butted heads on many occasions in the past, but such ‘clashes’ were almost always smoothed over and forgiven. However, the lingering memories of their argument still brought a bitter taste to Roho’s mouth and she could not seem to rid herself of it. Even now, looking at him, the old anger stirred in her chest, threatening to consume her. She knew her brother had been doing his best to avoid her and she’d been happy for him to do so. Roho was not good at dealing with things and the longer she could draw out a confrontation between them, the better. Even she had to admit, however, that the whole thing was getting ridiculous. After all, the longer it was drawn out the worse it became and her dread of this moment had only increased since their escape.
 
The truth was, however, that she wasn’t even sure of her feelings anymore. At the time, she’d been absolotuely furious. In fact, she couldn’t remember a time when she’d ever been that angry (not counting her feelings towards the Nergüi, of course). She’d have been content to have never set eyes on him again. But then the strangers had come and – in a matter of days – everything she had once known and held dear had been taken from her. She remembered, with some poignancy, the feeling of desperation that overcame her as she sought to survive, watching as those around her fell. Remembered the painful regret as she came to the realisation that her brother had most likely been killed and that he had died thinking that she had hated him.
 
And she had mourned him.
 
Given that, Roho should have been happy when she saw Mizuka alive and well, and part of her was. But another, darker part of her seethed. Why should he be given a chance at life when others were not?
 
The conflict showed in her face and, with a huff, she turned her head away from him and returned her gaze to the empty lands. “Someone has to.” She replied. “May as well be me.” It was a long moment before she spoke again and when she did her voice was filled with undisguised bitterness. “I’m surprised you’re still here. I would have expected you to take off the moment we escaped.”  

[Mimsey]

That stung. He'd been expecting it, but it still stung. And like anything that hurt him, he struck back with anger. His eyes narrowed, and he let his claws sink into the soft earth beneath him. Don't yell, he reminded himself quietly. After all, they were only a stone-throw from the others...and probably closer then that. Their group wasn't exactly taking chances.

Not when they were still on the run.

"Oh, I have considered it," he snapped in a low voice. It wasn't true. He hadn't thought about leaving them once. But at that moment Mizuka seemed content to make matters worse rather than admit he was wrong. "I'm only asking if you wanted some sleep. Unless you intend to drive me out for kindness."

He did a remarkable effort of keeping his voice down, but even he couldn't help keep the venom out. Nearby, another lioness's ears shifted in her sleep. He scowled and took his spot besides his sister, where at least they could yell in private.

"This isn't my fault," he muttered again. Not that it was Roho's fault. But... it would have been so much easier if one of them could have held the blame.  

[Kimaria]

Then why don't you leave and do us all a favour. Roho thought, though she stopped herself from saying them out loud. She wanted to say them, wanted to make him hurt, but she knew - deep down - that when the moment had passed and her anger had faded she would regret them deeply. After all, she didn't really want him to leave. A disappointment or not...he was her brother and he hadn't abandoned them yet despite the opportunity being presented to him.

"I don't want sleep." She replied coldly, keeping her eyes averted. Perhaps if she didn't look at him he'd just go away.

Then, in a lowered voice. "I know it's not your fault, idiot. Not unless you went and found those lions and brought them across the mountain. What I don't understand is why you're still here after all that fuss you made about going. Guilt? Or did you manage to find some integrity when your life was flashing before your eyes?" And then she turned to look at him. "Why, Mizuka?"  

[Mimsey]

He bristled at even the suggestion of him doing such an act. He wasn't a traitor. Did wanting to leave home make him one? His nose scrunched up in bitterness. Apparently so, according to their family. Leaving for the wrong reasons, their father had said. Well he'd like to know what the right ones were! He was sure Roho knew. She always seemed to think she knew everything about him.

And where would he go?

It seemed like such an obvious question. He'd known the answer before the Nameless had attacked. He would go north, be free. Be rid of everything in his family that dragged him down. The road had been so clear it might as well have been paved in front of him, and now... now he was just as scared and lost as the others. So of course, the only reasonable way to combat his sister's harsh words was to lie. "I can leave when I want," He muttered. "I know where I'm going."

His tail thrashed. This wasn't what Mizuka had come to say. He was making it worse. "Look just, just shut up, Roho. What do you want me to say? You want me to leave that badly? I'm not going to go now. Not after what happened. I wasn't needed before. I am now. That's it."

But maybe it was just wishful thinking on Mizuka's part. He wanted to be needed. He only wished he'd been the one with the answers. Then even Roho would thank him.  

[Kimaria]

Roho had adored her homeland. She had lived and breathed the society and warrior morals built up by their late King. It was her life – her whole life – and never would she have dreamed of stepping foot outside it unless she was under some sort of order to do so. She had been a Hongshan soldier and to be anything else had been inconceivable. However, she never seemed to understand that some might not share her unwavering dedication. To Roho, leaving Hongshan of your own free will could be nothing but a disappointment. And, when she had discovered that her brother was one of these, she felt nothing short of a betrayal.
 
He was leaving! Letting down his pride! Shaming the family! In Roho’s mind, there could never be a right reason to leave…unless, of course, there was no pride to stay for…
 
“Shut up?” She hissed. “Don’t tell me to shut up, Mizuka. You started this conversation knowing my feelings on the matter. Just because everyone is dead doesn’t mean they’ve changed.” She caught herself, finding her anger turning to tears that burned fiercely in her eyes. She snapped her head around, refusing to let him see. Anger, it seemed, now came hand in hand with surfacing grief. “You still wanted to leave. You still do.” She snorted angrily. “When did you become so selfless?”
 
Her emotions were reeling again and she was struggling to keep brash thoughts from turning to words. If she went too far she feared he would leave and…and she really didn’t want that. She never had. “If I had wanted you to leave,” she continued in a more controlled voice, “do you think I would be so angry at you?”
 
Though, in truth, Roho wasn’t certain her anger was because she didn’t want to lose a brother or whether she had been afraid of how it would look for the rest of the family if he left.
 
If it was the latter – which was more likely – than she certainly had no right to talk about his selfishness. She was no better.
 
“Everyone in the Hongshan was needed, brother, you just didn’t see it.”  

[Mimsey]

He snorted bitterly. That was easy for Roho to say. He hadn't disliked the Hongshan. But between their father's prestige and constant competition with Roho, it certainly hadn't felt like home. He used to imagine that out there, beyond the blood red mountains that they claimed as their home, was some other place waiting for him. Where he'd be noticed and respected.

Now that they were out there, it seemed all they found was more nothing. Like fate was refusing to let him get his way.

"I don't want to leave," He admitted bitterly. "I did. Now there's nothing even left to leave. It doesn't seem that I got a choice in the matter." Leaving the family had felt so different when it was him leaving them, like some sort of petulant child. Instead, it was everyone else who had left them. Their parents, their friends, their leaders-

Mizuka squared his jaw, staring intently at his paws. "This new place they're talking about. Maybe things will be different." Between us, he meant to say. But he couldn't even get the words to form from his mouth.  

[Kimaria]

She stood, curving her proud neck around so that she could look at him. Their appearances were so closely matched that there was no denying their relation and yet...whilst outwardly they were alike, inside they were so very different. When she looked at him it was like looking at a stranger.

She did not know him.

"Things will be different. Everything will be different."

Roho still held a great many doubts about this new land they were seeking out. Many, many doubts. She fully intended to keep them all to herself but as they grew closer and closer to their destination, the burden of these troubles almost seemed too much to bear. She would speak with their leader about them soon. Not because she expected to change Nawvlee's mind, but because she expected him to scatter these troubles with his words of confidence. He had been gifted in that respect.

"I've changed my mind." She replied. "I think I will rest and leave you to stay on watch." Roho snatched her eyes away from him. "Goodnight, Mizuka."