His fingers squeezed the plush owl nervously as he walked the white and pale green hallways. Private wing… someone had money on Lina’s friend list, he was pretty sure he remembered her too, but he was hoping to catch the room free of her.
No offence to the woman, but he needed to talk to his General… even now.

He sighed in relief to see the room empty but for a nurse, who was tinkering with some of the hanging drips, monitors beeped and the bed hissed and hummed as it shifted its air contents, very modern… supposed to prevent bedsores or something. They left the literature for them in one of the waiting rooms and he’d had little better to do.

Of course he’d also read that you could starve to death on a prolonged level if all you had to live on were those IV drips… not a pleasant thought.

“Hey… Audrey it’s… Me.” He said hesitant and weary. He’d spent a lot of time pushing himself after Castor, 2 days of almost nothing but go, go go… and then he’d finally collapsed, insensible and even missed classes. He’d blamed a flu and gotten an infirmary slip for the next day too.

“I… “ he started. “I found Castor, I was so angry I just… I set a trap, it worked…by god… it worked.” He said with a sigh and rubbed his hands as though he could still feel the nail gun there, heavy in his hand.
“I don’t think he did this to you… and, I didn’t kill him either. I did promise you that… Tanz will have to finish the b*****d off. “ He stared down at the plush, it stared back with big brown eyes out of a soft blue spotted face.

“Did you ever do something and then not know why it even seemed like a remotely good idea?” He asked her, there was of course no answer.

“I just…spent the last few days trying to prove to the world that I’m as good as you…that I’m LIKE you and LIKE Tanz, but I’m NOT…” He hissed. “I pushed Lyra off a roof… I’ve been so angry at everything, we got into another fight and I …brought someone in someone…I wasn’t –ready- to bring in… now I’m living with that. I’m dreaming about what I did to Castor and all I can hear is the sound of that Nail gun… it’s not thinking… I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t THINKING.” He said staring at his hands.

“… I can’t stop thinking… about it, about anything. I was so proud when they made me a General, I want to LEAD PEOPLE… “ His eyes burned with ambition again for a moment, embers of life that had returned.

“…but if I can’t fight, then all I have is…information, I’m not sure that’s good enough for what they gave me, for what I –want-… “ He paused and shook his head. “… I’m still selfish enough that I should be reading to you…something, but I’m looking for advice. Keep that in mind…you can’t die because I need you too much. I really don’t want Tanzinite to take over the unexpected tackles… I think that would hurt more than even that time with the stairs.”

He put the plush beside her on the stand that held a few medical supplies. Let them re-sterilize… she liked owls and it reminded him of her.
He leaned forward till his head rested on his knees…
“God… where did my confidence go… I’ve always been so sure, and now … now I think it’s dying with you… I’m scared… so scared. Generals shouldn’t be this way… I need you … WE need you…please come back to us.”