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Kage Baka (Fixed Now Awaiting Approval)

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KageFiendBaka

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 08, 2011 10:42 pm


Name: Kage Baka
Gender: Male
Age: Appears 32 but he can change this.
Species: Immortal Human
Occupation: Dark Magician in Cirque du Noire

Appearance: Wears a black top hat with a gray middle. A black heart shaped eye patch. Kind of long black hair and very light tan skin. A black tail coat with black dress pants. Very nice black shoes. Always wearing Black Gloves to hide special tattoo's hidden under them. A cape the is black on the outside and red on the inside. Also has dark red eyes. He stands at 6"2' and weighs roughly 130 Pounds. His muscle mass is very little but that makes him quick on his feet.

Personality: He has 2 completely different personalities which is explained in his back story below. His first and most common personality is his gentlemanly and kind side. He is very nice at this time and even can be shy. He enjoys being in nice quite areas or chatting with a small group of people. He is much more stable minded when he is in this way. But then his second side is a loon who has no remorse for any wrong doing. When he is like this he will be grinning devilishly. He is rude and obnoxious. He enjoys screaming and loud noises. He enjoys spooking people and will be a huge deviant. Stay away from him when he gets this way which is rarely.

Abilities: Has actual Dark Magical Chants (I make up). His cane has a concealed sword within it that he is very skilled with. Can change his age appearance willingly. He can also do a bit of other types of magic but not as well as his Dark Magic by a long shot.

Weakness: Will not harm girls in honor to his daughter.

Back Story: Before Kage was born his parents were studying high levels of magic. One day they found a forbidden spell that grants immortality. After using the spell and now being Immortal they had a son named Kage who was born with the same ability of Immortality. Kage was never really interested in Circuses growing up. In fact he hated them. He felt like everyone who was in them were fools. As an adult Kage met a beautiful women named Evangeline. It was love at first sight for the two. After only months of being together they became happily married. Another year passed by for the two and they had a beautiful daughter. They lived happily with their well made family for 9 years with no problems and she never once questioned why Kage never seemed to get older. They were so in love she didn't care. Until one tragic day. Evangeline wanted to take their daughter who they named Zainy to the Circus. Kage still disliking the circus decided to stay home. Hours later a police officer arrived at the home with his hat off and head down. Soon after Kage was told of the tragedy. The circus tent was burned down by mistake from a Fire juggler making a costly mistake. Evangeline's body was found burnt to a crisp...but not Zainy.Many months went by and Kage sat in his favorite chair in his house salking over what has happened. Finally the same Circus opened again. He decided to go in their honor. Then while their he over heard some people talking about how the same fire juggler still worked there. His sanity was breaking down in 2. Creating a split personality fit for a murderer. Kage met with the fire juggler after the show in his tent. And killed him in cold blood with the sword in his cane. He was never caught since no one knew who did it. Little did Kage know his daughter Zainy was still alive and now was a performer at that same circus. Now Kage works as a Magician for a circus in the hopes that him and his daughter will meet again.

Sample: Kage walks around Cirque du Noire cane in hand with a smile on his face. The light from the moon beams down upon him making the black clothes he wears glow. His red eyes turn bright as he looks up into the big bright moon. He takes a deep breath and lets out a sigh. A gust of wind blows threw his cape as the sound of the grass beneath his feet calms his nerves. "I so do love a perfect moon lit night as this," Kage says in a calm soothing tone. "Reminds me of the same night I murdered that man," He said as his voice changed from his soothing voice to a more gruff and evil sounding tone starting at around the word murdered. He continues to walk in the silence of the night with the only sound being heard was the tapping of his cane against the ground and the gusts of wind blowing around in the cool night sky.  
PostPosted: Tue Mar 08, 2011 11:00 pm


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Alright. I'm going to be completely blunt when I say this but - There is no way that in any good nature I can accept this profile without major fixing.

The first thing I notice is - Immortal is not a species. Was he human or something else before he became immortal? Or is he a species that is born immortal?

Second - You need way more description. All around. You're extremely vague and I can't imagine your character what so ever.

Third - Its loon, not lune.

Fourth - Dude already had to be messed up in the head if he went out and murdered someone for an accident. Not to mention, if there is a police force, you'd think they'd be looking for the murderer, and he wouldn't be joining a group that would put him in the public eye. Murder isn't legal, ya know.

Fifth - How did he even become immortal in the first place? There's no explanation for that, or most of his past. Just something recent.

Sixth - You're going to have to improve that sample. By a lot. Sorry.

So there you go. Keep working on it and I'll check back again!

Silent Cartoon
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KageFiendBaka

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 08, 2011 11:15 pm


Silent Cartoon
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Alright. I'm going to be completely blunt when I say this but - There is no way that in any good nature I can accept this profile without major fixing.

The first thing I notice is - Immortal is not a species. Was he human or something else before he became immortal? Or is he a species that is born immortal?

Second - You need way more description. All around. You're extremely vague and I can't imagine your character what so ever.

Third - Its loon, not lune.

Fourth - Dude already had to be messed up in the head if he went out and murdered someone for an accident. Not to mention, if there is a police force, you'd think they'd be looking for the murderer, and he wouldn't be joining a group that would put him in the public eye. Murder isn't legal, ya know.

Fifth - How did he even become immortal in the first place? There's no explanation for that, or most of his past. Just something recent.

Sixth - You're going to have to improve that sample. By a lot. Sorry.

So there you go. Keep working on it and I'll check back again!



Firstly - Yes I forgot to add in that. My bad he is a human that is an Immortal.

Second - I guess I could add some more desciption to his personality. Thanks.

Third - Missed that by a long shot.

Fourth - I wrote this quickly lol. I will fix it.

Fifth - Well that part is simply his parent were both immortals. Though I see no reason for going into his Parents Pasts. I doubt anyone else will.

Sixth - I am afraid I have to disagree with you on this one. With no story leading up to my sample it is pretty much a enter into the area type post. And with no contact with anyone there is no way to make anything out of that. And not to be mean to anyone but there are people who can barely make 3 sentences after tons of people post before them. Frankly I find the sample to be antiquate for what I was given. If you want people to make like 3 paragraphs for joining Noir then people joining Gothica better be making a 10 page paper. If you want better samples then make a story for people to use so they have some ground for their samples.
PostPosted: Tue Mar 08, 2011 11:25 pm


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Add more description to his personality AND appearance.

You still need to explain how the immortality was granted. Not wanting to go into the parents details or not, immortality doesn't just POOF there. It'll take a few sentences to explain that, not that difficult.

And I shouldn't have to give a prompt for your sample or people to interact with. Pick up any fiction novel and you'll find that the author can flesh out a whole chapter with just that character. You should be able to give enough that its more than a single paragraph. And if you had actually read the roles thread, you'd know that nobody is getting into Gothique.

You can disagree with me all you want, but I'm the one accepting profiles and right now its not getting accepted.

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KageFiendBaka

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 08, 2011 11:54 pm


Silent Cartoon
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Add more description to his personality AND appearance.

You still need to explain how the immortality was granted. Not wanting to go into the parents details or not, immortality doesn't just POOF there. It'll take a few sentences to explain that, not that difficult.

And I shouldn't have to give a prompt for your sample or people to interact with. Pick up any fiction novel and you'll find that the author can flesh out a whole chapter with just that character. You should be able to give enough that its more than a single paragraph. And if you had actually read the roles thread, you'd know that nobody is getting into Gothique.

You can disagree with me all you want, but I'm the one accepting profiles and right now its not getting accepted.


Welp I think I got it fixed except for the Sample which I am going to hold off on since I am tired and want to go to sleep.

For the appearance I added a few key things that slipped my mind but other than that I cant think of anything else shot of Facial Skeleton and Shoe Size.

For Personality I added a bit more. Admittedly I stick at writing descriptions for personalities so if this is not good its a long road ahead.

I only made a quick story up for the immortality since I am to tired to think of anything clever. So its a Cliche story for that.

As for the whole would cop be after him I made it so no one saw Kage and no one knows there is any relation to him and the guys death. Please don't tell me I have to explain how he got away unseen...should be common sense knowing what his talent is.

So if there is any more work needed in those thing let me know and I will work on the Sample tomorrow. Night.
PostPosted: Tue Mar 08, 2011 11:59 pm


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You don't have to have a witness to connect a person to a crime. And besides, I don't think Gaia's cops are that stupid considering that magic is very much a norm for its citizens.

You have to consider these things for your character. There is no "common sense". I don't know why you're even trying to pull that. It's not going to hurt to develop your character more. It will help you out in the long run. Don't make the other readers have to guess about your character.

Silent Cartoon
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Silent Cartoon
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 09, 2011 12:03 am


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Couple more points I forgot to bring up earlier. You DEFINITELY need more weaknesses. Your opening the door for a lot of power playing if your character were to get into a fight with another one. There's got to be a limit to their powers or something that they're weak against. Nobody is indestructible.

Also, there has to be a reason that the spell was forbidden. What sort of consequences where there for his parents seeking immortality? And how did this pass onto him genetically?

And as far as his physical description goes, the more you can describe the better. The texture of his hair, his complextion, his body stucture, facial structure, scars, birth marks, anything. I want to be able to imagine your character in my mind as I read the description.

Whether or not you believe that this is all pointless information, it will help for you to develop your character more. You'll understand them a lot better and the other role players will be able to understand them better. Nobody EVER said that development was a bad thing, you know.
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