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 Posted: Sun Mar 06, 2011 7:47 pm
It has been awhile since I last posted in this guild. Quite a few things has changed.
I've been out of High School since May 25th, 2010. I currently work at my old Elementary school as a Teacher's Assistance and make about $350 every two weeks and work about a total of 60 hours in those two weeks. This job is great, but makes $300 short of what I could consider doing for the rest of my life. Teaching isn't my thing, I just like to be helpful, make things easier.
As times goes on, the amount of friends that seem "Existing" has declined, it bothers me, maybe even concerns me a little, but isn't what is causing my depression. I have, for the first time a very nice relationship with a lady who is as ASU. She comes down to visit sometimes and we talk a lot online as well.
I have about $2 grand saved right now. My 1997 vehicle will be paid off this year. I still live with the folks and thankfully we still get a long quite well. Here comes the real issue:
I'm now in my second semester at my local community college and it is TERRIBLE. I took three classes last semester, now I am taking only two. One in which I'm already for sure going to fail, the other is standing strong and proud at a solid B. I will probably lose my pell grant as well. The teacher in the failing class has already abandon me, never replies to my e-mails and I even told him a part story of how depressed I've been.The whole College experience is the only thing that seems to be re-triggering my depression.. It was so bad, one night while driving home from College, I was in utter tears. I was depressed, but angry at the same time. I came really close speeding on the Highway and the purposely flip my car off the highway and into a four to five feet ditch. Of course, I never did it, or I wouldn't be here.
I don't really talk about this to anyone, because I have before and I've noticed distancing of friends I once felt were close. Even had one say they worried I might do something drastic, but I don't pull people to me when I'm like this, I push people away. I guess you can say, I both fear, but love the sensation of being forgotten or discarded to the side. I'm really worried I'll start talking more about my issues and it'll just end up making things worse and only worsening my fears or depression. Fear of losing my job, stuff like that.
I've even considered buying a handgun in 2012. Not only because I want one, but in case my life does collapse and then I'd just end it all.... I just really want to talk to you guys right now... I think I'm just going over board, that a lot of it is self-generated pain from possible delusional views and perceptions of the world around me. I just have this odd feeling...that because I don't like College, don't want to go in debt, that there is no future past 2012....
I know, it sounds insane...I don't necessarily believe in the end of the world in 2012...but there is this physical sense I've been getting sense early 2010..that there is no point...
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Posted: Sun Mar 06, 2011 9:41 pm
*hug* Sorry things are rough for you right now. whee
Can you withdraw from the class you're failing, even if it means you'll get a mark (called a "W" where I live, if you withdraw past a certain date) on your academic record? Another option might be that if the teacher for that class isn't replying to your e-mails or isn't helping you, you could try talking to the head of their department or the dean or something. A higher up who has some influence or who could talk to the professor in question basically.
For your age, it sounds like you've done really well for yourself actually. 3nodding You have a job, you have a good support system (parents, girlfriend), you're in school, and you have a lot of money saved up. I'm 24 and I don't have half those things yet.
Do you mind if I ask if you've accessed counselling/a doctor to help with what sounds like your depression?
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Posted: Mon Mar 07, 2011 10:04 pm
Nikolita *hug* Sorry things are rough for you right now. whee Can you withdraw from the class you're failing, even if it means you'll get a mark (called a "W" where I live, if you withdraw past a certain date) on your academic record? Another option might be that if the teacher for that class isn't replying to your e-mails or isn't helping you, you could try talking to the head of their department or the dean or something. A higher up who has some influence or who could talk to the professor in question basically. For your age, it sounds like you've done really well for yourself actually. 3nodding You have a job, you have a good support system (parents, girlfriend), you're in school, and you have a lot of money saved up. I'm 24 and I don't have half those things yet. Do you mind if I ask if you've accessed counselling/a doctor to help with what sounds like your depression? I filled out the paperwork, now to get the two signatures needed.. I hope neither will have any objections. I don't want to go off on them. This community College has a 10-15% graduation rate and some many people have bad feedback on them, so I don't feel as bad if I have to kick dirt in their faces. (Metaphorically speaking) A lot of that support that I have is only going to be around as long as I am in College.. I just have a feeling either next semester or next year, I won't be doing College anymore... I need to start searching for alternatives, I need help with it... I just miss the old days when in Elementary or High School, the teachers really cared and physically helped, even when they had like 30+ kids. Or even when they only had 50 minutes to teach...I mean, instructors here say they can't teach much in 2 and a half hours!? WHAT!? That is almost three 50 minute classes in High school.
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Posted: Tue Mar 08, 2011 11:56 am
Valgex Nikolita *hug* Sorry things are rough for you right now. whee Can you withdraw from the class you're failing, even if it means you'll get a mark (called a "W" where I live, if you withdraw past a certain date) on your academic record? Another option might be that if the teacher for that class isn't replying to your e-mails or isn't helping you, you could try talking to the head of their department or the dean or something. A higher up who has some influence or who could talk to the professor in question basically. For your age, it sounds like you've done really well for yourself actually. 3nodding You have a job, you have a good support system (parents, girlfriend), you're in school, and you have a lot of money saved up. I'm 24 and I don't have half those things yet. Do you mind if I ask if you've accessed counselling/a doctor to help with what sounds like your depression? I filled out the paperwork, now to get the two signatures needed.. I hope neither will have any objections. I don't want to go off on them. This community College has a 10-15% graduation rate and some many people have bad feedback on them, so I don't feel as bad if I have to kick dirt in their faces. (Metaphorically speaking) A lot of that support that I have is only going to be around as long as I am in College.. I just have a feeling either next semester or next year, I won't be doing College anymore... I need to start searching for alternatives, I need help with it... I just miss the old days when in Elementary or High School, the teachers really cared and physically helped, even when they had like 30+ kids. Or even when they only had 50 minutes to teach...I mean, instructors here say they can't teach much in 2 and a half hours!? WHAT!? That is almost three 50 minute classes in High school. To be fair, there's a big difference between colleges/universities and high school. In high school, you're right, you do generally get more 1-on-1 interaction with the teachers (although I know if some of my classes were larger, that wasn't necessarily the case). In college/university, the teacher is teaching different material, at a higher level, and the onus is on the student to learn with less direction from professors. The assumptions seems to be (from my observations anyways) that the teacher will cover the necessary material, but the student is expected to read the text in detail and do the work on their own. It's just a different format. But alternative formats is always an option. Some colleges have courses you can take online, stuff like that. Another option might be to look into programs for apprenticeships, co-op jobs, workstudies, or trades, and see what requirements they have. 3nodding
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Posted: Wed Mar 09, 2011 6:42 am
Nikolita Valgex Nikolita *hug* Sorry things are rough for you right now. whee Can you withdraw from the class you're failing, even if it means you'll get a mark (called a "W" where I live, if you withdraw past a certain date) on your academic record? Another option might be that if the teacher for that class isn't replying to your e-mails or isn't helping you, you could try talking to the head of their department or the dean or something. A higher up who has some influence or who could talk to the professor in question basically. For your age, it sounds like you've done really well for yourself actually. 3nodding You have a job, you have a good support system (parents, girlfriend), you're in school, and you have a lot of money saved up. I'm 24 and I don't have half those things yet. Do you mind if I ask if you've accessed counselling/a doctor to help with what sounds like your depression? I filled out the paperwork, now to get the two signatures needed.. I hope neither will have any objections. I don't want to go off on them. This community College has a 10-15% graduation rate and some many people have bad feedback on them, so I don't feel as bad if I have to kick dirt in their faces. (Metaphorically speaking) A lot of that support that I have is only going to be around as long as I am in College.. I just have a feeling either next semester or next year, I won't be doing College anymore... I need to start searching for alternatives, I need help with it... I just miss the old days when in Elementary or High School, the teachers really cared and physically helped, even when they had like 30+ kids. Or even when they only had 50 minutes to teach...I mean, instructors here say they can't teach much in 2 and a half hours!? WHAT!? That is almost three 50 minute classes in High school. To be fair, there's a big difference between colleges/universities and high school. In high school, you're right, you do generally get more 1-on-1 interaction with the teachers (although I know if some of my classes were larger, that wasn't necessarily the case). In college/university, the teacher is teaching different material, at a higher level, and the onus is on the student to learn with less direction from professors. The assumptions seems to be (from my observations anyways) that the teacher will cover the necessary material, but the student is expected to read the text in detail and do the work on their own. It's just a different format. But alternative formats is always an option. Some colleges have courses you can take online, stuff like that. Another option might be to look into programs for apprenticeships, co-op jobs, workstudies, or trades, and see what requirements they have. 3nodding I might as well take online courses, huh? I just feel I learn more working at my Teacher's assistance job than College. College seems like a payless job to me... However, I have the withdrawal form all filled out yesterday out of the programming class.. I feel a lot better and will submit it regardless if I don't find out how much I may be charged on Thursday..... Could a Pell grant hurt your credit score?
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Posted: Wed Mar 09, 2011 1:05 pm
I'm sorry, I don't know what I Pell grant is. What is it?
And yeah, I just suggested online classes because you'd still be in school, but depending on the type of class (structured, freestyle, etc) you can get more 1-on-1 help from a teacher/tutor.
Like when I was trying to take an online class a few years ago, it was "freestyle" - I had 7 months to complete the course material at my own pace. If I had questions or needed help, I was assigned a tutor who would be my contact (like a teacher) and help me with whatever I needed. This method didn't work for me though, and I dropped the class.
And before that class, I'd taken another online class which was "structured" - there was a course outline, and work and readings had to be completed by a certain point each week. Tests were scheduled, etc etc. That method works better for me.
And congratulations on getting your withdrawal form filled out. biggrin
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Posted: Wed Mar 09, 2011 6:55 pm
Nikolita I'm sorry, I don't know what I Pell grant is. What is it? And yeah, I just suggested online classes because you'd still be in school, but depending on the type of class (structured, freestyle, etc) you can get more 1-on-1 help from a teacher/tutor. Like when I was trying to take an online class a few years ago, it was "freestyle" - I had 7 months to complete the course material at my own pace. If I had questions or needed help, I was assigned a tutor who would be my contact (like a teacher) and help me with whatever I needed. This method didn't work for me though, and I dropped the class. And before that class, I'd taken another online class which was "structured" - there was a course outline, and work and readings had to be completed by a certain point each week. Tests were scheduled, etc etc. That method works better for me. And congratulations on getting your withdrawal form filled out. biggrin Pell grant is like a loan you don't have to pay back that is given by the government based on your income.. The College tried to scare me saying, "You may or will have to pay money back." I think I won't have to and if not, I'm still taking time off... I need to figure something out... I really want to finish my Fantasy novel...but I'm just slacking...and never get in the creative mood...
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Posted: Thu Mar 10, 2011 1:07 am
Valgex Nikolita I'm sorry, I don't know what I Pell grant is. What is it? And yeah, I just suggested online classes because you'd still be in school, but depending on the type of class (structured, freestyle, etc) you can get more 1-on-1 help from a teacher/tutor. Like when I was trying to take an online class a few years ago, it was "freestyle" - I had 7 months to complete the course material at my own pace. If I had questions or needed help, I was assigned a tutor who would be my contact (like a teacher) and help me with whatever I needed. This method didn't work for me though, and I dropped the class. And before that class, I'd taken another online class which was "structured" - there was a course outline, and work and readings had to be completed by a certain point each week. Tests were scheduled, etc etc. That method works better for me. And congratulations on getting your withdrawal form filled out. biggrin Pell grant is like a loan you don't have to pay back that is given by the government based on your income.. The College tried to scare me saying, "You may or will have to pay money back." I think I won't have to and if not, I'm still taking time off... I need to figure something out... I really want to finish my Fantasy novel...but I'm just slacking...and never get in the creative mood... Oh ok. smile Does your school website have information on financial aid/loans and grants? Or is there another person working at the college who can help you? I don't understand why they'd try to mess around with you like that. Could depression be causing your lack of a creative mood?
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Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2011 7:59 am
Nikolita Valgex Nikolita I'm sorry, I don't know what I Pell grant is. What is it? And yeah, I just suggested online classes because you'd still be in school, but depending on the type of class (structured, freestyle, etc) you can get more 1-on-1 help from a teacher/tutor. Like when I was trying to take an online class a few years ago, it was "freestyle" - I had 7 months to complete the course material at my own pace. If I had questions or needed help, I was assigned a tutor who would be my contact (like a teacher) and help me with whatever I needed. This method didn't work for me though, and I dropped the class. And before that class, I'd taken another online class which was "structured" - there was a course outline, and work and readings had to be completed by a certain point each week. Tests were scheduled, etc etc. That method works better for me. And congratulations on getting your withdrawal form filled out. biggrin Pell grant is like a loan you don't have to pay back that is given by the government based on your income.. The College tried to scare me saying, "You may or will have to pay money back." I think I won't have to and if not, I'm still taking time off... I need to figure something out... I really want to finish my Fantasy novel...but I'm just slacking...and never get in the creative mood... Oh ok. smile Does your school website have information on financial aid/loans and grants? Or is there another person working at the college who can help you? I don't understand why they'd try to mess around with you like that. Could depression be causing your lack of a creative mood? Its a community College, they only care about the $$$. My High School cared more and you'd spend less time in their classes too. I feel abandon, but yet I am sure I don't know what real abandonment is like. How am I to grow more and experience more with declining amount of friends? I've been thinking of maybe therapy or something but then I'll just be perceived as crazy if anyone were to find out. Even though the slopping trend of friends is probably a result of. Its funny, you'll find that your friend seems down, maybe a little unusual, but then just decided to ignore them, resulting in only more physiological abuse. I really wish I was just wealthy, spend my troubles away. Donate money to random people or organizations. Be able to go and do whatever I want, of course legally. Haha..
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Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2011 9:22 am
Valgex Its a community College, they only care about the $$$. My High School cared more and you'd spend less time in their classes too. Considering their education, most college professors actually don't make that much. The professors at one of the colleges that I went to said their income was below the poverty line. So I doubt they got into teaching for the money, which means I doubt money is all they care about. College is just a totally different experience than high school. College professors often have even more on their plate than high school teachers do. They often play the part of teacher and guidance counselor. They teach, they grade papers, they write recommendations, they help students plan their schedules, etc. Some of them also do research studies or write papers of their own. They often just don't have time to treat students like high school teachers treat students. And that means they're not usually going to track you down to remind you to hand in your paper or reschedule that test that you missed. But even if they did have time, they probably still wouldn't do it anyway! Because teaching is their job. Holding hands and tracking people down to make sure they're doing the work isn't their job. It might seem harsh, but college students aren't kids anymore, and they need to prepare for the workplace where most bosses aren't going to hold their hands either. A lot of people have trouble adjusting to college professors after being around high school teachers for so long, but it's really not the college professors' fault, and their style probably is for the best. College really is a time to learn to be independent. Valgex I've been thinking of maybe therapy or something but then I'll just be perceived as crazy if anyone were to find out. A lot of people talk to a therapist or counselor at some point in their life, and most of them are perfectly sane! So I wouldn't worry about people thinking you're crazy just for talking to someone. You can probably even talk to someone for free at the college, and they might even be able to give you some solutions that are specific to the issues and questions you have. Valgex I really wish I was just wealthy, spend my troubles away. Donate money to random people or organizations. Same here!
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Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2011 9:47 am
Niko and Lorien have once again given awesome advice.
My only input, besides seconding their opinions, is that the Pell grant does not hurt your credit score. You get that for simply graduating high school and its a grant, something you do not have to pay back.
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