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You feel kinda fuzzy and light headed. You are not sure where you are or why you are there yet since your head is still clearing. You head and vision clear enough for you to see around. Sometimes it is actually very pleasent and peaceful. other times it seems dead and blah. Other times still it seems hectic and chaotic. In any circumstance, you decide to take a walk, whether it is to simply move aorund and see more or to get away. You try to lift your leg but just like how sometimes you reach the top and of the stairs and think there is one more, your leg slams down and you almost topple over with it. You catch yourself and realize that your legs are stuck. Not that you can't move them at all, but they are stuck like in glue or tar and is is holding you fast in place. Sometimes it just holds you and sometimes it tries to suck you down. Either way, you being to feel paniced. No one around you, if there are others around, seem to notice your distress and go on about their business as if you are either not there or right along with them without delays. YOu panic more and even get frustrated. No matter ho hard you struggle though, you ramin stuck and/or sinking.

Yeah, that's how life feels for me right now.

I don't know what to do. It seem slike no matter what I do, I alsways in end up in the exact same place: alone, bored, lonely, and just generally depressed. I'm pretty sure I do not have clinical depression in the sense that I would need a doctor and happy pills and/or a psychologist. I wouldn;t mind talking to one anyways if I could afford one. As for the happy pills, I personally think I would have to be seriously ******** for me to rely on a pill for happiness or atleast a boost in the general direction.

I have never had luck in relationships. It has been one failure after another. People always say that well of course bad ones do happy. Basically live, learn, then get Luv's! Sorry, damn commericals. Seriously though, people tell me that just learn form them and move on. I have done that with every single one and I am starting to do it again. When is it my turn to get loved back? When will I find 'the one' or someone or anyone or whatever that will love me back as much as I love them? I'm really starting to believe that doesn't exsist and everyone is living in a happy lie. I never believed in 'one true love' to begin with. That's just absurd. Love is an emotion like happiness and sadnees. true, it is a more complex emotion, but it can come and go like any other eomotion and you have to work at keeping it or making it go away. It doesn't just happen once then magically stay that way forever. If that were true, people would very rarely get divorced or remarried.

I have never done as well as I would like in jobs. I have always had medicore jobs that are okay for short term employment, but not a life long career. I'm not that great in school, so I have never tried for a degree or anything. I feel like I will be stuck with near minimum wage jobs forever. Even if I get a management postion type job, it just never seems go enough and I never get to do the kinds of things and jobs I would like to do. I know, same old story for at least half the world if not more. I would love to write or act and the only real thing that is stopping me is that I have no one that is seriously supporting me. Yeah, people tell me I write good or they like my stories and acting and so on. But no one really supports me in it . . .

I have always sucked in school. As stated before, I have never done really well in school. Just enough to pass. What ticks me off is that all the things I really wanted to be when I was a kid, no one took seriously or helped me achieve. Then I find out if I wanted to be one of those things, I would have had to start as young as elemntry school and definatly by junior high. By start, I mean getting into certain programs, making certain grades (give in), and taking the right classes (yes, even in junior high/middle school and high school, not just college). I have wanted to be a vet, a geologist, an Egyptologist, a writer, an actress, and a marine biologist. The writer and actress are the kinds of things that can be done at anytime though. It is all a matter of getting in with the right people at the right time. Seriously . . . Of course Hollywood is nuts over actors/resses who have been acting since childhood.

All in all, I suck . . . I feel like I am going no where. It feels like no matetr what I do to help myself, it just doesn;t matter. Especially if no one will support me or appriciate it, then what's the point? "Do it for yourself!" Okay, yeah, and then what? Or what if that is not good enough for that person? A person, no matter how self reliant, can only go so far on their own for themselves. They will need a push, even a little one, from someone every now and then. I just feel like no one really cares. Yes, my parents and sister do care about me and love me. They just have never shown any real support to me, but they certainly do to my sister . . . They always have. It is not just stupid sister rivalry. They really have favored her more. They made me always work and toil for what I want as an example to her. Yet they turn around and just give her things. I had to work for my first care ($5k), they BOUGHT her her first car (about $4k). My sister wrecked my car and they didn;t do one thing to help me with the bills. My mom just gave my sis her old car, which isn't that old, when she had told me I could have it. Her reasoning is that I have a better car now.

Anyways, long stupid story short, I may have people that love me and care about me, but when I need them the most, even when I straight out ask for it from them, they all back down and let me handle it on my own. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being alone. This past week, a man that I love and had been on and off with called it quits. He didn't give a real reason why, but I didn;t push him to tell me. I mostly let it drop. He said he would be a friend and be there for me, but what he meant was "I will be there for you when I feel like, and I won;t be there for you when it comes to what happened between you and me." I can understand him not wanting to deal with me, but what makes him think I want to either? I just want to get it done and over with so I can move on. Burying it and never tlaking about it maybe his way, but not mine. It seriously just eats away at me until I'm resduced to a huge mess which makes things worse in the end.

I don't know what I can do to get out of this funk. It has been growing for the past 5 years now, and I wil be 23 on the 28th of this month. I'm not worried about my age in the sense of "omg! I'm getting all old! Oh noes!" I do feel like time is running out to start to do things to lead to a stable life later. I was feeling very hopeful back when I believed all the lies he told me about loving me and wanting me. Now, I just feellike it has been a crule joke. He may not have meant them as lies, but what else do you call it when someone says something that is not true?

*lays head down on desk* I'm really loosing purpose in life here . . . I feel like there is no reason anymore. The reason for myself is not cutting it anymore since I have used it since I was little. I was going to say "since I was young", but I still am young. I may still have time to do thing, but why should I?

Uh.. see, if you're experiencing failures in all aspects of life, chances are that you're either doing something wrong (wrong approach, perhaps?) or you're not doing something. It's one thing to trip down and fall and another to realize why you tripped so it wouldn't happen again. The realization is really important.

Instead of ranting about how bad you're getting it, focus on ways in which you could get yourself out of the slumps and stand up again. Or else it'd just be a vicious cycle over and over...

Fair enough. It's good to know that you've tried different things. smile Though the fact that they haven't worked... isn't. Since what you did hasn't worked, maybe you need the opinion of a professional counsellor. They might be able to direct you to resources that might be more helpful.

Sorry if I'm not much help but seeing how the suggestions your friends gave are already nothing new to you, I don't think I'll be able to contribute anything that hasn't already been said. Good luck, buddy.

I'm from Toronto, so I don't think I'll be able to help you in that respect either. However, if you're in college, they usually have counsellors on campus to provide counselling and whatnot for free.