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 Posted: Sun Feb 20, 2011 11:16 pm
hi^^
after 2 nights of reading creepy pasta I got the urge of trying to write one myself. I'm a bit sleep deprived since I could not have time to sleep xD
My grandparents garden
It's just been a week since the funeral, I barely knew my grandpa but still his dead get's me down. I feel my mothers sorrow 'cause of the loss. Even though my family was still grieving we packed our things and moved across country into the old house of my grandparents. They left it my parents so they could live there with us..... me and my little brother. I don't really understand why we even did this, I didn't wanna loose my friends and my mother seemed also quite anxious about living here. Something just seemed off since we arrived at this place.... I just couldn't tell what..... yet.....
The house is quite big and old, the estate has belonged to my family for many generations. Next to the house there is quite some more property, most of it is our big garden. But at the end of the garden there are some trees forming a little forest.
After unpacking our stuff we went of to explore the garden. The weather was nice so our parents were outside with us while we ran around exploring. Finally we reached the tiny forest, just as we wanted to go in my mother came over, looking hysterical, telling us to NEVER EVER go there. We were baffled at our mothers reaction, so even though she didn't want to tell us why, we decided to listen to her.
After that incident a while passed and we nearly forgot about it. On a rainy day we got up to the houses attic to look around if there was anything interesting. There was quite a variety of things, strange souvenirs, old clothing, books, old letters and some old looking photo albums. We soon discovered one of the time our mom was a kid. We browsed the photos and something was weird. Up to a certain time, often 2 girls were pictured but at a certain point there were only pictures of the younger girl.
Curious about this we took the album and showed it to our mother. We learned that she was the younger girl in the pictures, but she refused to tell us about the older one. But the look on her face was the same as the time we went near the forest, so I figured the secret hat to be hidden somewhere there.
The next night I decided to go there, taking my brother along. We sneaked out and quietly approached the forest. There were a lot of trees and we could barely see what lies within the forest without going in. While was still trying to figure out what's in there, my brother dashed in. I called him but he just ran further into the forest. I had no choice but to follow him. Soon I found him, trying to climb over an old deteriorated wall. The moment I saw this area being surrounded by the wall I had to see what's in there, so I climbed over as well. There was a cave like building but the entrance was blocked by several stones. So I looked around while my brother sat by the cave.
After some time searching I was about to give up on finding hints as I hit my foot on a stone. I was angry but realized there was something in a whole under the stone........ a box with a book in it.
My moms old diary! BINGO! I sat down and started reading with my flashlight. It got obvious... my mom had a sister! But what happened to her? I felt a clench in my gut and started having trouble breathing as I skipped to the last entry.......”It got her! We never....... it's my fault...... I set it free..... will it ever..... stop looking at me.....?”
A sudden sensation of panic washed over me... what is IT, and is it still around? Cold wind chilling my spine and creating a strange howling sound from the cave. That's when it hit me.... my brother. I ran over to the cave, finding him sleeping. I grabbed him, waking him in the progress, and dashed out. Back to the house, back to our room. I put my brother to bed and he soon fell fast asleep. Lying down I also tried to sleep but couldn't stop thinking about what happened to my mother and aunt, and will it happen again? Can it be stopped? Finally exhaustion was greater than my fear and I fell asleep.
Next morning, I woke up in terror, but after looking around everything seemed normal. Was last night even real or just a nightmare?
But it wasn't over, weeks went on, the days being perfectly normal, night being full of panic. Strangely for my brother everything seemed normal. But I was happy, he hadn't to endure the nights I had to. I felt watched, red glowing eyes lurking in the dark, appearing and vanishing at what felt random. Every night, I felt the lurker getting closer, bolting up from dozing off feeling a breath in my neck. Flipping on the light in panic, the room was quiet again and my brother sleeping soundly.
If I'd just had known what was still impending.....
The next night IT stopped me from sleeping again, I felt his eyes on me..... breath on my neck...... As it fled from the light last night I wanted to try this again, but before I could reach the switch IT's eyes flickered bright red, making all the light bulbs in the room burst......
I was paralyzed, it's red eyes, snake like body, huge clawed hands and a giant vertical mouth on his stomach.... coiling around me, giving me the feeling of suffocating.... and then everything went dark......
I wake up in my bed, it's a sunny morning. I stretch oblivious of last night. I go to the kitchen to have breakfast with my family.... but somehow..... where is my brother?! I look at my mother, her eyes stare into the distance..... empty. Without looking at me she says “You are just like me. You disobeyed IT........ this is the punishment.....”
That's when I remember.... last night.... as fast as I could I run to the cave, at daylight it has a strange color pattern...... I look closer and in the pattern there are faces! Hundreds of them! I stare at them until I find the faces of my aunt and my brother........
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Posted: Mon Feb 21, 2011 7:02 pm
it's a nice first attempt but you should probably change the style so the narrator would be telling the story as it happens, not reflecting. That creates better suspense for the reader since they aren't expecting anything. the foreshadowing kinda forces them to expect it, although the ending is awesome
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Posted: Tue Feb 22, 2011 12:05 am
thanks
I was insecure about the tense the whole time, I'll keep that tip in mind^_^
and I'm glad you liked the ending
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Posted: Tue Feb 22, 2011 12:59 pm
so I tried to change it a bit, also found some stupid mistakes
if there are some other things (also bad grammer, I'm not a native speaker) please correct me
My grandparents garden
It's just been a week since the funeral, I barely knew my grandpa but still his death get's me down. I feel my mothers sorrow 'cause of the loss. Even though my family is still grieving we packed our things and moved across country into the old house of my grandparents. They left it my parents so they could live there with us..... me and my little brother. I don't really understand why we even do this, I don't wanna loose my friends and my mother seemes also quite anxious about living here. Arriving at this place it feels like something is odd.... I just don't know what..... but hopefully I'm wrong.....
The house is quite big and old, the estate has belonged to my family for many generations. Next to the house there is quite some more property, most of it is our big garden. At the end of the garden there are some trees forming a little forest.
We just finished unpacking so I decide to go out with my brother to explore the garden. The weather is nice so our parents to go out with us. They sit down to relax a bit after the hassle while we run around exploring. Finally we reach the tiny forest. I can't wait to go in there, radiates something fascinating, drawing me in. Suddenly my mother runs toward us, looking hysterical, telling us to NEVER EVER go there. I'm baffled at our mothers reaction, but even though she doesn't want to tell us why, my brother and I decide to listen to her.
A while has passed since that incident and I barely thought about it. It's a rainy day. I'm bored and stare out of the window. That's when my brother sneaks towards me, trying to scare me. He wants me to go to the attic with him to look around. Up at the attic is quite a variety of things, strange souvenirs, clothing, books, old letters and some ancient looking photo albums. In the pile of albums we discover one of the time our mom was a kid. We browse the photos but something is weird. There are lot's of photos picturing 2 girls but from a certain point there were only pictures of the younger girl.
Curious about this we take the album to show it our mother. She tells us that she is the younger girl in the pictures. I ask her about the other girl but the look on her face turns to the same expression as the time we went near the forest. Saying she still has work to do she ends the conversation. Her behavior is starting to worry me...... maybe I'll find answers in the forest......
The next night I decide to go there, taking my brother along. We sneak out and quietly approach the forest. There are a lot of trees …. I can barely see what lies within the forest. I guess we have to go in to see if we find anything. While I try to gather courage to go in there my brother dashes past me. I call him but he runs further into the forest. I guess I have no choice but to follow him. Soon I find him, he is trying to climb over an old deteriorated wall. The moment I see this area being surrounded by the wall I get that urge again to see what's in there. I climb over the wall as well. Inside it looks as if no one has entered this place for quite a while. In the center of the place there is a cave like building with an entrance blocked by several stones. I guess I can't get in there so I'm gonna look around. I look at my brother, he seems sleepy and sits down beside the cave. I better let him rest for a moment.
Finding something in this place with only a flashlight is more trouble as I expected. I want to give up....... as I hit my foot on a stone. Angry I stop myself from screaming. As the pain subside I realize there is something in a hole under the stone........ a box with a book in it.
My moms old diary! BINGO! I sit down and start reading with the flashlight. While reading it hits me... my mom had a sister! But what happened to her? I feel a clench in my gut and start having trouble breathing as I skip to the last entry.......”It got her! We never....... it's my fault...... I set it free..... will it ever..... stop looking at me.....?”
A sudden sensation of panic washed over me... what is IT, and is it still around? Cold wind chilling my spine and creating a strange howling sound from the cave..... My brother! I run over to the cave, finding him sleeping soundly. I grab him, waking him in the progress, and dash out. Back to the house, back to our room. Was going there a mistake? My thoughts race but at the same time there is not one clear in this maze of my mind. I put my brother to bed and he soon falls fast asleep. Lying down I also try to sleep but can't stop thinking about what happened to my mother and aunt, and will it happen again? Can it be stopped? Finally exhaustion is greater than my fear and I fall asleep.
Next morning, I wake up in terror, but after looking around everything seems normal. Was last night even real or just a nightmare?
It's not over...... for several weeks now the days being perfectly normal with nights full of panic. Strangely for my brother everything seems normal. But I'm happy, he doesn't have to endure the nights I have to. IT watches me, red glowing eyes lurking in the dark, appearing and vanishing at what feels random. Every night, I feel the lurker getting closer. Bolting up from dozing off I sense a breath in my neck. Flipping on the light in panic, the room turns quiet again. I look over to watch my brother sleeping soundly.
The next night IT stops me from sleeping again, I feeel his eyes on me..... breath on my neck...... IT fled from the light last night. Maybe I should try this again....... before I can reach the switch IT's eyes flicker bright red, making all the light bulbs in the room burst......
I'm paralyzed, it's red eyes, snake like body, huge clawed hands and a giant vertical mouth on his stomach.... coiling around me, giving me the feeling of suffocating.... and then everything went dark......
I wake up in my bed, it's a sunny morning. I stretch oblivious of last night. I go to the kitchen to have breakfast with my family.... but somehow..... where is my brother?! I look at my mother, her eyes stare into the distance..... empty. Without looking at me she says “You are just like me. You disobeyed IT........ this is the punishment.....”
That's when I remember.... last night.... as fast as I can I run to the cave, at daylight I notice a strange color pattern on it's surface...... I look closer and in the pattern there are faces! Hundreds of them! I stare at them until I find the faces of my aunt and my brother........
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Posted: Sun Feb 27, 2011 5:27 pm
That was really good! Although you really need to be careful with the mistakes....
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