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 Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 8:57 pm
I know this is unethical and many people are going to think I'm the absolute worst person on earth... but please put your morals and ethics at the door... I don't need another mother telling me I'm doing wrong...
Basically, my heart is a raging storm of hormones.
Some basic facts:
I've been in a relationship for 5 years but I'm tired and want out...
I'm moving to Japan next year so my boyfriend and I are taking a trial separation while I'm gone
I'm 22 years old next tuesday.
no one involved is an immature child...
Okay, that being said... I'm on a penpal website because I wanted to make Japanese friends. When I move I wanted to have natives I already knew that I could contact and get help if I needed it.
Things were going great and I've been on for over a year now... but two months ago, I started talking to this one guy in email from the website. It's only been two months but we've been getting really close.
We really want to meet each other and we're both really interested in each other (both as really good friends and as potentially something more?) but he's been really sweet to me. He's always really kind and he listens to me. I listen to him too, and the last couple weeks he's really put on the charm. He's been flirting much more obviously now that he pretty much knows I'm interested and won't up and go away.
I've been flirting back... and no, this isn't the part where I'm a b***h. If you think I'm a b***h for being interested in this man while dating another guy, you're really going to put me down in a second.
My penpal, he's 27 years old, 28 this year... and he's really really cute and charming and sweet and considerate and funny... seems too good to be true? It is... He's married with a 3 month old son.
Yes! I know! "Don't date married men!"
But I can't help it.
He really doesn't love her. They don't have sex (he said he hasn't had any in almost a year). They've been fighting ever since they got married. It's gotten so bad that she goes to her parents once a week just so they can get a break from each other once in a while.
But what I think is really awful is that she isn't treating him right. He works all ******** day to support her and their child (she doesn't work). He married her just because he knocked her up. He's so unhappy because he's trying to do the right thing for her. And she won't even apologize if she's wrong. He's told me that with every. single. fight. he is always the first one to apologize. She will yell at him for hours and she will stay mad at him until he apologizes.
One day when we were chatting while he was on his way home from work (before we really got involved emotion-wise) and he said to me, "Well, I'm home now. I have to let you go so I can be put back on my chain like a dog."
That kind of outlook is so sad to me.
I want to make things better for him, but I know that it's not my place to help their marriage, and honestly, I want him to divorce her... not just because I really really like him, but because I honestly feel like he's being mistreated... But that's not my place to suggest that to him. I have to let them make their own marital decisions.
The problem I'm having is, I'm way past the "don't do it." believe me... I told myself over and over that I can't get romantically involved with a married man. He's off limits. But he's drawn me in and I'm trapped.
I don't think I am looking for a serious relationship with him. I just want to be his emotional support and give him whatever he needs to be happy. But if that turns to sex when I move to Japan, then it'll only make it easier for him to deny that there's anything missing in his marriage. because I would be fulfilling all the blanks, he wouldn't see them if he stepped back to evaluate the marriage.
I don't know what to do...
I really want to steal him from his wife... but I don't want to damage that poor child. I don't give a ******** about his b***h of a wife, she's not holding up her womanly-obligations to keep her man happy.
But if I do get involved with him... I don't know how well I can deal with being the "other woman" I don't share well lol
I just want to be realistic about the whole situation... I tried googling advice about this... but all that came up was stuff about why you shouldn't. I'm past that point. I just need to find out what boundaries and limits I can set to keep us friends when our inevitable break up happens.
Heart break? It doesn't concern me. I'm the type that smiles because it happened instead of crying because its over. He's a VERY important person to me. I don't want to lose him if he decides to go back to his wife. I can deal with losing the relationship, but if we break up I want to find out how to stay friends.
opinions? advice?
tl;dr
I'm falling head over heels for a married man that has a 3 month old son. I know its wrong, but i still want him... help me.
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Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2011 7:57 am
So you're officially "separated" from your boyfriend of five years, correct?
Good, because if you're not then it's not fair to your previous Romeo.
"New Romeo" has a problem, doesn't he? He has a son. And oh my, he's married. It's not the first time this has happened, but it's something that should not happen. /parental lecture.
You need your choices, because you don't see it.
A) You two are already emotionally connected. Note that you are hearing only ONE side of the story. And let's face it, the one side isn't always the right side. And everyone's truth is slightly corrupted. Plus, people can be different verses in a letter, than in person. I b***h about my job all of the time, but do I hate it? No. Would I ever quit it? Never. You see the possibilties?
B) He ditches his wife for you, which, idealy is what you want. And what you're already convinced will happen. The possibilty to have that happen, though it still hasn't, isn't likely. What would motivate him to leave his son behind? Because, we both know that custody battles in Japan, verses here, are completely different and his wife would most likely gain custody. You might want to look into those laws.
C) If you're looking to replace your boyfriend of five years with this married man, you'll probably need to become a mother. And if you were to be a mother, at 22, you'll need to sort that out with Japan, as well. I know you mentioned that you're not looking for a serious relationship, but involving yourself with a married man, that has a son, and according to him a "possesive" wife, you'll be in a serious situation. Are you suitable right now to be a mother? Are you okay with staying home with the baby, him working all that he is, and taking care of a child that is not yours?
Each option is different, each option has a different possiblity. These are your options. I can't tell you what's right or wrong, because our morals are obviously different. All I can say is that I advise you to not get involved with a married man. You can be FRIENDS. MAYBE even sexually involved with each other, but once you cross that line of actually having true, real, strong emotions for him... you'll be involving yourself in a much larger situation that I don't know (because I'm not you) that you're ready for.
I did it once.
I've seen people do it.
It never works out.
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Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2011 12:04 pm
Honestly, I don't know if I'm ready for it either, because I've never been involved with a married person before. And before I met him, the idea never entertained my mind because I really hated the idea of guys sleeping around on their wives... but in his case, I made an exception to my general ethics.
We are already emotionally involved (as you have stated). I don't mind that he has a child, I love babies and yeah, I really do want my own I have for many years, but financial stability is the only reason I stopped myself from becoming like those "out of control teens" on Maury. I can't really say if I'm ready for motherhood either because its one of those things you don't know until you get put in the position. I hear mothers all the time say they thought they knew what they were getting into, but it turns out they were very clueless when time came for the practice.
All I know for sure is that I really really like this guy and just want him happy. If he leaves his wife, yes I would be happy. But I don't think I'm naive enough to believe that he would leave her for me. If he leaves her, he'll do it on his own for his own reasons.
I have followed your advice and looked into a lot of Japan's divorce information and custody battles... It would have to be something I would have to have a long talk with him about...
As for the replacing. He's not a replacement for my boyfriend. My relationship with my boyfriend has been over for about 2 years. He knows it's coming, and I've gotten to the point where I'm fighting with his mom and dad and brother a lot (and I don't even live with them)... His family just isn't one I want to be a part of and I had made up my mind on that long ago. I've been through several emotional flings, getting several crushes here or there... My "New Romeo" as you delicately put it xD just happened to come along at the perfect time. Or imperfect depending on how you feel about the situation.
when I said serious relationship I meant committed. As long as he's married, I won't have to commit. Which after two consecutive long-term relationships starting when I was 15... I'm ready for some time to be out mess around and have fun. I just happened to find a guy that I'm emotionally involved with and I don't want to play with him... but as long as he's married, he's still technically just playing with me. I can't possibly be committed to him only until he has a finalized divorce. Which I won't push him to get. I want him to come to that on his own.
I don't know... I really really like this guy ;-;
I don't want to say that I'm in love with him (especially after only 2 months)... but it's quickly developed past puppy love or lust...
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Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2011 12:22 pm
It's safer to choose one or the other. Either you love him, and just sit back, cross your fingers, and hope this divorce happens sooner than later.... or you don't let yourself get too emotional into this situation and use him as a toy. Either way, is fine in it's own way. I've advised you not to do it, because there are more than just you and him as factors.
If you do go into this emotionally and physically, I myself would consider that a relationship. And in that relationship you both have to be on the same page. Such as, you need to know that after you and him engage in whatever sexual activities that the future might bring, he'll have to leave to go back home to his wife and kid. If his wife is sick, he'll stay home with her because she needs help taking care of his kid. Holidays, he might need to be with his wife and family, and not with you.
Whenever I go to make a choice, whether I do it or not, I always think about the long-term effects. I think secretly, we all know if it's a good or bad choice from the get-go, but we want to prove ourselves wrong sometimes.
What I just didn't understand was that you said that the relationship was over two years ago, but you still refer to him as your boyfriend...boyfriend of five years.
It's not bad to grow apart from people, people do it all of the time. My own morals would step into play, and that wont help with your situation.
All I can say is, this might not be a serious relationship, but it is a serious situation. There is a child involved, and though it might not seem important, it is. Extremely. What happens if you meet his kid? You're introduced as a family friend? Or will the child grow up knowing that his dad's shagging (not sure what you all intend to be doing, but let's just look down the road here) you and still with his wife? Will you be effectionate with each other infront of his child? Will his wife be aware of this little affair? Or will it be a secret from his whole family?
I know the child is young, but children catch onto things rather quickly. Especially when it comes to people in their life.
You may just be good friends.
You may just be shag-buddies.
Whichever the case may be, I've learned that you can't really have your cake and eat it too.
I understand the wanting to let loose and not be so serious after two serious relationships. And you know what? That's NOT a bad thing. Do it. Go out, party ,live your life and get it out of your system. Does it need to be with a married man that you've already expressed pretty strong feelings for? That's, once again, on your part. My heart would be broken and if I'm out to just have a good time, broken hearts really aren't the greatest feeling in my opinion, especially with something I'd build my hopes up for.
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Posted: Thu Feb 24, 2011 1:27 pm
uhmm honestly I'm sorry but you should stay with your boyfriend having a trial separation will only make things worse and being with a married guy how would you feel if you were that guys wife it's terrible
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Posted: Thu Feb 24, 2011 1:38 pm
inu_fan77777 uhmm honestly I'm sorry but you should stay with your boyfriend having a trial separation will only make things worse and being with a married guy how would you feel if you were that guys wife it's terrible regardless of hooking up with the married man or not, I'm not staying with my boyfriend. I just don't feel it anymore. as for how his wife feels... honestly, I think a woman should think about her relationship and the needs of the relationship. Sex is an important thing in a marriage and he's not getting any. It's making him feel neglected, unneeded, undesirable, and unwanted. She's making him feel much worse... if she was honestly doing her job as a wife, he wouldn't NEED to look anywhere else. I don't feel sympathy for women like her. If she was doing everything in her power to try and make him happy, I would probably think differently... but she just nags him about everything and never treats him right. She's got a hardworking man that really tries his damndest for their family and she's completely ungrateful. I don't really care about her. She just puts him down and says he will never do things right. She's ******** her own marriage up. If she's not cheating on him anyway. She goes off one night a week with the baby to "stay at her parents' house" now, I'm not saying she is definitely cheating... but it's a pretty awesome chance for her to.
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Posted: Sat Feb 26, 2011 12:24 am
Oh bleh, this is one heck of a situation.
First, sorry but no married man relationships missy. You are already the second/fall back girl. Men may have plans to leave their wives for someone, but most of the time they never do. It is such an unhealthy relationship.
Second, and forgive me for this. But are you sure he is being sincere about his situation? What if things are not as he says they are? He has a baby boy, and a wife. What happens if he decides to stay with his wife and child? What if he is just playing this whole "Poor me, life sucks, marriage is a fail" card? The internet and people over it are not always what they seem. Falling in love with someone that you have yet to meet in person is risky enough, but one who is married is even worse. If he wasn't happy in this marriage he could have left it years and years before, but he didn't and still hasn't. Chances are he doesn't plan on doing anything about it anytime soon. How do you know for sure that his wife is really that terrible? Maybe she is upset because she knows he is talking to other people. And yes I said other people, what if you are not the only one?
Switch the scenario, what if you are the wife, you have a son, and your husband is off chatting with other people? No wonder their marriage is hitting the rocks! He isn't trying to work on this relationship with his wife, he would rather complain about it to you. That fixes nothing. Children within relationships complicate things, he is just a baby and her womanly obligations are to be a mother to that child! Being a parent is no walk in the park, sex life often times stops for a good span of time because there is no time. You don't know who this woman is, you can't directly point the finger and call her a b***h, she is a mother, and she is his wife.
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Posted: Wed Mar 09, 2011 5:17 pm
Itoshii Hime Oh bleh, this is one heck of a situation.
First, sorry but no married man relationships missy. You are already the second/fall back girl. Men may have plans to leave their wives for someone, but most of the time they never do. It is such an unhealthy relationship.
Second, and forgive me for this. But are you sure he is being sincere about his situation? What if things are not as he says they are? He has a baby boy, and a wife. What happens if he decides to stay with his wife and child? What if he is just playing this whole "Poor me, life sucks, marriage is a fail" card? The internet and people over it are not always what they seem. Falling in love with someone that you have yet to meet in person is risky enough, but one who is married is even worse. If he wasn't happy in this marriage he could have left it years and years before, but he didn't and still hasn't. Chances are he doesn't plan on doing anything about it anytime soon. How do you know for sure that his wife is really that terrible? Maybe she is upset because she knows he is talking to other people. And yes I said other people, what if you are not the only one?
Switch the scenario, what if you are the wife, you have a son, and your husband is off chatting with other people? No wonder their marriage is hitting the rocks! He isn't trying to work on this relationship with his wife, he would rather complain about it to you. That fixes nothing. Children within relationships complicate things, he is just a baby and her womanly obligations are to be a mother to that child! Being a parent is no walk in the park, sex life often times stops for a good span of time because there is no time. You don't know who this woman is, you can't directly point the finger and call her a b***h, she is a mother, and she is his wife. Call me old fashioned, but she has obligations to her husband as well; but she'd rather run off to her parents' house once a week. Yes, she has motherly obligations, but how on earth can it take so much time to take an hour out of your night after the baby is asleep to have marital times. She's completely neglecting him I've thought about her position, and the way I see it; if you're keeping your man happy, and he's a good man, he won't run off with other girls. The only thing I have is his story. This much is true; but I don't think he's the trap-innocent-girls type. We've been talking long before any emotions played up. He just doesn't seem like that kind of guy. He didn't start talking with me with the intentions of cheating on her, and lets face it; he's a really hot japanese guy. He can do much better than some chubby american girl. If he really wanted to cheat that badly, he could find someone in japan just as easily and not be wasting his time talking to a girl 6,600 miles away. =/ there's no benefit to chatting with me with the intentions of cheating on her for the moment because I'm not in japan. it just isn't the most logical approach for a cheater. Nextly, if my man were to cheat on me; I would be evaluating our relationship and where things went wrong to make him want someone else. If he really feels like I'm not doing something for him then I'll figure it out from there. As for him leaving years ago... they've only been married since August 2010, and their baby was born in December 2010. They ONLY got married because he knocked her up. She doesn't know he's talking with other people unless she checks his phone; and I'm willing to bet (with the way he describes everything), that if she went through his phone, she'd probably get in a huge fight with him. Not just be a little grumpy. They've gotten in worse fights of less serious matters, so if she knows, she's going to let him know it.
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Bloody-Melons Vice Captain
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Posted: Wed Mar 30, 2011 5:07 pm
I stopped reading at "He married her just because he knocked her up."
Personally, that'd be a big fat red flag for me.
Let me just say that seemingly good people can lie. I'm not saying your penpal guy is lying to you, but if he's really unhappy with his marriage, he's probably going to over-exaggerate his problems to you to make his wife seem truly terrible. Problems aren't a one way street. They arise from conflict which takes two people to start.
I'm not going to tell you what to do, but me personally? I wouldn't date him. If you are really concerned about his child, you'll leave him alone until he can work out the problems with his wife. I know from experience how much "daddy's girlfriend" can ******** up a child's view of the world. Been there, experienced that.
"the way I see it; if you're keeping your man happy, and he's a good man, he won't run off with other girls. "
First off, that statement is so damn ******** up. GOOD men do NOT run off with other girls. NO MATTER the situation. If my man can't be happy with what he's got, he ain't worth my time. I'm sorry, but no woman should have to worry about keeping her man happy so that he doesn't run off with some tramp he picked up off the corner.
I'm not trying to b***h, but TRULY put yourself in his wife's position. How would you feel if some guy got you pregnant, married you, then badmouthed you to some other woman?! I'd feel like s**t and I'd most certainly be angry with him. Of course, I'd be pissed at myself as well for being a moron and getting myself pregnant. But you seriously have to consider everyone's feelings. Don't trust everything you hear.
It really doesn't matter what I say. You're going to do whatever you want. Just don't justify your actions by putting down another human being before getting to know them personally.
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