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River of Life

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Gothique Jedi

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 05, 2011 10:06 am


A rush upon the river,
the current pulling me down.
The frozen water makes me quiver,
fearing I might drown.

The water seeping through my bones,
chilling me to the core.
I have never felt so alone.
How could I have expected more?

Life personified in a river.
It's current pulling me under.
I cannot help but shiver.
My lungs are being smothered.

My lungs fill with ice,
won't let me have another breath.
Life has such a high price,
and made me pay with my death.



Typos?
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 06, 2011 10:42 am


Life: The number one killer in the world.
On a more serious note, good job following the structure you chose for this poem. The word choice was also very good.

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Kasi Karra
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 06, 2011 10:44 pm


The rhyming feels a little forced and I feel like the poem doesn't run as smoothly as some of your other work.

A lot of your lines also sound very similar to one another, but not in a good way. They sound like an attempt at repetition, but not quite close enough for it to count.

I do like the comparison and love the imagery and details that you put into your work along with the compelling question ending the second stanza
PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2011 3:44 am


I agree, not exactly my best work.
It may seem forced because I didn't want to write in the first place, but I had to for a school assignment; that may have been a contributing factor.

Gothique Jedi

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 07, 2011 2:00 pm


Well there you go, that always kills it.
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Poet's Paradise

 
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