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Reply 11. ✿ - - - Poems And Writing
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AngelRoseUni

Beloved Lunatic

PostPosted: Thu Feb 03, 2011 3:53 pm


Revolution.
[rev-uh-loo-shuh-n]
A sudden, complete or marked change in something.
It was just another day as students talked while sitting in their study period. Halfway through, a knock sounded, silencing them. After waiting for the person to enter, one student stood and opened the door. Dressed in a black, floor-length dress, a woman glided in, for the way she walked, was certainly not normal. A hat with a long veil hanging from the back hid her face and hair.
The only students not affected by the woman's entrance, were "Queen", or rather the most popular girl in school, and her clique of clones, all dressed in short skirts, tight tops and high heels. The group quieted one by one as the woman approached. Not amused that their conversation was interrupted by the woman, Queen asked in a bored tone, "Can I help you?"
Queen barely gave the woman a glance until she spotted the glittering jewel pinned to the high collar of the woman's dress, then Queen's eyebrows raised in interest and envy. The woman remained silent for a moment before speaking softly, her voice carrying throughout the silent room as a gloved hand held out a letter. "Madame wishes you to be part of her game. Will you play it, yes or no?"
Whispers flitted about the room as Queen accepted the letter. Noting the elegant calligraphy as she read the letter, Queen stood and said with confidence and a slightly-challenging tone,
"I'll play her game. It's lame just sitting here."
A hint of a smile appeared on the woman's lips as she raised the glove covered hand that had returned beneath the folds of her cloak and said,
"Let the game begin."
With a snap of her fingers, the floor seemed to vanish, sending the students and their teacher falling. While falling, they noticed other students falling as well, it appeared as if the whole school was going to be witness to the game that Queen and Madame were to play.
Almost as soon as the fall began, it ended and the students looked around, asking each other the same questions," 'Where are we?','What is this place?','What's going on?' ". A hole opened in the floor of the arena and the students fell silent as the woman stood on a platform with Queen in front of a cylinder that was covered with a long cloth.
"Welcome, those who know Madame and those who have yet to meet her. On this day many years ago, a promise was made. This same day three years ago, a young girl, with most of her life ahead of her, took her life.” Whispers flitted about, centering on the seniors and some of the teachers before they were quieted by the woman’s words. “On that same day, we arrived at this town. An alarm sounded that there was a possible candidate for Project ALICE, also known as, Artificial Life Involving Core Enhancement. Those who are a part of ALICE undergo several modifications to their body. Only select few are able to become an Alice, so we were very pleased to find someone.
"When we went to retrieve her with the offer to become a part of the Project, we found her body. In order to not lose a prospective candidate, we used what little life was left within her and brought her back to walk amongst the earth with the prototype of Project ALICE. Madame, however, was frightened as she realized that she still was living. Several times she attempted to commit suicide. We could not let that happen and erased her memories, begining to rebuild her body as Project ALICE directed. Within the past three years, everything was completed. We now present, the first full success of Project ALICE!"
With those words, the curtain fell from container causing gasps and screams to sound throughout the audience. Floating vertically inside of the tank was a white haired girl wearing a silver and white full body suit, covering all but her head. Taming the white upon her head was an intricate silver colored headpiece with two wires coiled around waist length strands, restraining them from doing little more than float behind her. A fist sized box covered each ear and was attached to the main circlet that covered her eyes from view. A light within the liquid pulsed like a heartbeat as it drained out of the container. The woman and Queen descended a staircase and as they reached the bottom, the younger turned to face the presumed elder.
"Before I fall asleep standing up, do you mind getting on with the program and telling me what's her game?" Queen asked with a perfect eyebrow raised and a manicured hand resting on a hip, seeming unaffected by the fact that Madame, whoever she may be, was not quite human.
The woman, who brought the invitation, raised a shadowed eyebrow at Queen's confidence and ease in how she spoke. "First, all participants in the games are required to be given a dosage of Counter so that their vitals may be monitored for safety reasons."
Queen nodded and spoke with slight irritation. "Get on with it then." she demanded
With those words a young boy in a long coat with dark pants and shoes came out holding a tray with a sealed container. He kneeled and raised the tray above his head, offering it to the woman who took the container and unsealed it. Turning to Queen, who had a raised eyebrow at the action before accepting it, slightly cautious of the iridescent liquid. Though Queen had a face on that showed her confidence in success, she was begining to doubt that it would be the case. Once swallowed, the boy took the drained vial and left. Once the boy had gone, the woman spoke once more.
"Here are the rules. At the sound of a bell the game shall begin with a stage of Madame's own design. Should you be successful, you will be allowed to move on and be spared for a moment longer. Should you not, one limb after another shall be partially paralyzed and the efficiency of your organs will decline." the woman spoke calmly, as if discussing the weather. Whispers broke out amongst the audience of students and staff, but were hushed by a low hissing noise and a student’s shout of,
“Look at the tube!”
Hundreds of eyes stared at the container where Madame was, to see that it had begun to sink to the ground, leaving the genetically altered human behind.
Madame stepped off of the platform on which the container had rested and down the metal stairway, each step echoing as quiet whispers flitted about the arena. As soon as she stepped down off of the staircase, both platform and stairway sank into the arena floor, the surface appearing seamless once more.
The mysterious woman glided across the short distance between the three women and withdrew from the folds of her cloak a gem similar to that of the one pinned to the high collar of her dress. As if knowing what was to occur, Madame knelt down and tilted her head upwards as the woman placed the gem on one of the intersections of the silver headdress that was upon Madame’s head.
“This gem will refrain Madame from remembering her past and potentially kill you. It should not happen, but there is always the possibility." The woman explained to Queen as she stepped back and Madame rose from her kneel.
The teachers looked worriedly at the three woman standing in the center of the arena. Some remembered what had happened and lead up to that day three years ago. However, they couldn't have done a thing about it, as Queen's father was also the chairman of the school board and their jobs would have been at stake. They had tried to help the victim through it, but it was too late, the wounds were much too deep for their help.
Back on the floor, Madame stood tall, feet shoulders width apart, arms at her side, back straight and shoulders relaxed. Her head was tilted slightly to the side, as if she was listening to something she couldn't quite hear while facing Queen. The woman glided to one side of the arena and a platform carried her up the stands to another platform holding a piano. She pressed one key and its note sang out, a clear barrier rising from the walls to shield the onlookers from whatever may occur.
As another sound rang out from the piano.Queen noted that this one muffled all sounds caused by the audience. In an instant, there was no sound other than that of her and Madame's breathing along with a low, faint hum. A chord of sounds echoed through the silence, jolting Queen from her thoughts. In those same split seconds, Madame vanished from sight.
Queen looked around frantically, wondering where Madame had gone. When she felt something tickle the back of her neck. Reaching back, she found that her platinum blond hair had been cropped to barely above the shoulders. Looking down, she saw a pile of hair and something within her snapped. Every day she took two hours on her hair, making sure it was perfect. Seeing it on the ground made her feelings of fear vanish. Madame had messed with her prized possesion, and she was going to pay for it.
As Queen charged toward Madame, one of her heels snapped and caused her to stumble and fall, ankle twisting further than it allowed. A snap echoed as Queen landed on her right arm and rolled to her left side, clutching said arm as she screamed.
The floor beneath her rumbled and a platform rose up, carrying her with it. Through her tears she spotted Madame on another platform, standing at ease as they rose higher and higher.
When the girls were about fifty feet above the ground, the platforms stopped and odd sounds could be heard, like that of metal hitting metal, but softer.
To the audience and Queen, Madame stepped out onto thin air once the sounds stopped. Arms raised out on either side, she stepped across the air as if she were walking across a tight rope.
Such a thought occurred to Queen as she struggled to stand, trying not to cry out at the pain of jostling her arm.
'A tightrope....but there's nothing there! Unless....she's walking on a wire!'
True enough, when Queen squinted closely, the light hit the space in front of Madame and shined before vanishing again. Confidence rising and pain in her broken arm and sprained ankle momentarily forgotten, Queen stepped closer to the edge and felt for the wire.
It was almost invisible, and quite a pity that Queen forgot she still had one four inch heeled shoe on, for down Queen fell. Any attempts to snag at a wire proved useless. It was impossible to tell where it was. The ground rushed towards her, and just as she felt as if she were upon deaths' door, something wrapped around her wrist and tugged sharply, jerking her right shoulder out of its socket, but saving her from a fatal fall.
Madame didn't know what she was doing. One moment she had been crossing the highest wire, the next, holding onto one end of that same wire and feeling a weight upon the other end. A strange feeling came over her, like that of holding someone's hand and helping them up onto a high ledge. The gem on her headpiece sparkled and Madame lost consciousness, falling from the wire she was balanced on.
Queen looked up and was surprised to see Madame at the other end of the wire currently digging into her wrist. She was about to say something resembling a thanks, when the gem on Madame's headdress sparkled and glowed, causing Madame to sway and pitch forward, continuing Queen's fall that had been halted for a few minutes at best, and with Madame in tow.
A bell rang out causing a net to shoot up from the ground to catch the two girls ten feet from certain death. A final bout of pain rushed up Queen's right arm before it refused to move at all. The net lowered them to the ground and no less than fifteen black clad men and woman swarmed the two. At this point, Queen lost consciousness and blacked out.
When Queen awoke, she was lying on a hard wooden bench. She felt as if something was pressing on her chest, making it hard to breathe. As Queen sat up, she found herself looking at her reflection in a mirror. Her entire right arm, even the shoulder joint, was missing. An ear piercing scream was let loose as she stood causing the mirror and bench to sink into the floor.
Looking around, she found herself back in the arena, but at one end instead of in the center. The pillars had vanished. Instead there was a maze.
A note had been taped to the one wall and Queen walked over to inspect it, finding it slightly harder to breathe as she did so. It was then she noticed that someone had changed her clothes into an unflattering tank top and pants that had the same feel as fleece and given her a pair of flat shoes along with bandaging her ankle. There was nothing but a dull pain whenever she put most of her weight onto it instead of a sharp pain. Leaning closer, she read the note aloud,
"The clock begins its count the moment you step forth into the maze. As you enter Madame shall too. She who finds the charm shall find herself unharmed. She who does not must escape the maze from the other door."
Simple enough, right? Thought Queen as she stepped through the doorway and into the labyrinth. It was not to be the case as within five minutes of twists and turns, Queen found herself completely and utterly lost. Turning yet another corner, she thought she saw a glow over a wall,and tried to head towards it, but wound up moving away from it. Any attempts at backtracking were foiled by Queen's lack of a sense of direction. This continued on for the better part of an hour. When she rounded yet another corner, Queen found herself with a straight on path to the glowing object she saw earlier. Grinning at her success, she picked up the pace and had almost reached the pillar on which it lay when Madame entered and touched it from a door that Queen hadn't noticed. Her eyes widened as she realized what this meant. Queen now had to find her way to the other side of the maze from where Madame had entered
Speaking of Madame, where had the white haired girl gotten to?
Queen looked around and couldn't find the other girl or the charm they had been sent to find. She decided not to ponder it any longer than she had to and went down the corridor Madame had appeared from, hoping it would lead her to the exit. The longer she wandered, the more she felt lost and her desperation to escape the maze increased. Queen thought it was her mind playing tricks on her, but it seemed that her sight was beginning to fade. Her pace increased as did her heart rate. Breathing becoming shallower, Queen had to pause several times to take deep breaths before hurrying on her way, panic increasing with every time she had to pause.
Two hours and fifteen minutes have passed since the girls entered the maze. One hour and ten minutes since Madame had vanished with the charm. Queen had no way of knowing this however, as she stumbled along yet another corridor and around a corner. Her vision was fading fast, be it from failure to complete the maze or exhaustion, Queen couldn't tell. All she wanted to do for now was lie down and never wake again. Tripping over her foot, her head collided with the corner of yet another turn and she sunk into a complete and welcoming blackness.
Queen shot up into a sitting position and almost knocked out the school nurse who was examining her.
"Please be more careful, one of the heels on your shoe broke causing you to collapse and hit your head on the desk corner also giving you a sprained ankle and wrist. It isn't recommended you be sitting so soon." the nurse scolded and had her lay back down. Queen looked around. She was lying on the floor of her study hall with her right arm intact. It no longer hurt to breathe and her heart wasn't beating as frantically. Had it all been apart of her imagination, the woman appearing and Madame's Games?
Queen looked to her right arm and paled slightly as she saw a thin scar precisely where the joint lay. That in addition to the pain she felt on the side of her head, her sprained ankle and sprained wrist along with having to close her eyes against the bright school lights, maybe it hadn't been a dream after all.
As she thought, she remembered a day roughly ten years ago. The day she had promised to be friends forever with the girl next door. That promise had lasted only three years. Just two years later, the same dorky looking, brown haired, brown eyed girl with glasses had vanished from the school, all because of her taunting. Queen laughed a little as she let out a small smile. One thing was for certain, she would never forget this day again. For what happened five years ago, three years ago, and for what had happened today, be it in her mind or reality...
The End...or is it?
A sudden, complete or marked change in something.
That is a Revolution
PostPosted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 6:57 am


I liked the concept. It's an interesting idea, however, I think you need to work on two things:

Description: Everything seems a bit rushed. What does the school look like? What color are the walls of the maze? How do the atmosphere, scent of the air, lighting, etc. change as the school transitions to the arena and back?
Description really helps the reader to visualize what you see. It helps the readers to feel like they're actually there. One of the marks of a great story is that when you read it, you completely forget yourself for a moment and immerse yourself into the character's world; description helps you do this. Description is your friend! Don't go completely overboard, but at least describe something from each of the five senses once in your story, and that really helps.

Characterization: Every story needs a protagonist, an antagonist, and a clear conflict between them that prevents both of them from achieving their goals. You've got the first two down, and you've got somewhat of a conflict, but what are the goals of each side? Why would Queen play a game that's extremely risky without any clear goal? What's in it for her? How does she feel as she's participating? How are her emotions and outlook on life changing throughout the story? You said Queen seemed unaffected that Madam wasn't human, why is this?
Right now it's an interesting idea, but there isn't much about the characters to connect with. What is it about Queen that should make the reader care what happens to her? What traits does she have that would make the reader relate to her, or pity her, or feel some kind of emotion toward her? Right now she's very bland, and I honestly can't say I care too much about what happens to her. Sure I feel bad she's hurt, but I don't know her at all, so I can't care.

Overall, very nice job, I was able to read all the way through. You've got minor grammar errors here and there (check your use of commas, and maybe break up some of the run on sentences, and check for passive sentences), but that's to be expected from a piece that hasn't been fully edited yet. For posting on gaia, you might want to space between paragraphs to make it easier to read, too.

There are more things you can do besides those two to edit the piece and improve it, but those are what I think you should focus on for now.

Good job. I see potential in this story.

MiaIkumis#1Fan

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11. ✿ - - - Poems And Writing

 
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