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Gothique Jedi

Interesting Lunatic

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PostPosted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 2:08 pm


E c h o e s
...of screams,
that fill these prison walls,
break into my mind.
Screaming all around.
Evil thoughts bleeding,
dying, surviving, thriving
on the fears and pain.
The SCREAMS.
They’re EvErYwHeRe!!
Monsters in my sleep,
my nightmares make me weep.
R e v e r b e r a t i n g echoes
filling the air with pain.
SHRIEKING with the searing touch
of phobias on my brain!
All of this pounding in my mind makes
a torture chamber inside..
.....me.



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PostPosted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 7:19 pm


This poem is intriguing. Did you intend for it to be primarily verbal, rather than written? If not, perhaps you might re-consider your use of non-standard elements - these certainly have a valid use, but there is also a way in which they are not very effective. Ask yourself: "how does x non-standard element add to my argument?". If you find yourself unable to answer with a coherent reason, perhaps your usage should be altered.

After a quick read, I would state that echoes, the ellipsis, screams, reverberating, shrieking, and perhaps pounding are adding to your argument. These are effective in that as one reads this poem, the physical nature of the words adds feeling to the particular word - in most of these cases, because the word in question relates to sound.

Do not give up on this style - I would like to see you polish and master it.

Priestess of Neptune
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 8:35 pm


It's interesting how you play with the appearance of the words to emphasize or add to their feel. Like the Priestess said, I would love to see you work with it.
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Poet's Paradise

 
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