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The Hero of the Super-Market

Gothique Jedi

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Posted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 2:02 pm

Pest! It squirms about the tile.
Mother watches all the while.

Shrieks and whimpers in words profane;
a line of people now insane.

Alas! A great hero appears!
To soothe their mindes and quell all fears!

Wielding a can of soup with ease,
a crunch is heard; he aimed to please.

Typos?
Likes/dislikes?
Improvements?

Posted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 7:40 pm

Concise and well-crafted. Mildly subtle, certainly not overly so. Humourous. I enjoy this.

Did you wish to include a more emotional element? You mention a mother, but a only mother "watching" does not inspire pathos. This poem does not require this, but if you wish to add it, you will likely need one more stanzas, which would be best situation either before or after the current first stanza.

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ContrabassClarinetist
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Posted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 8:39 pm

This poem did make me smile when I first read it with the dramatic description of a guy smashing a bug with a can of soup while your mother watched the whole thing. Then I read it again my overactive imagination told me to read a little deeper by saying that this has to have some sinister underlying stuff. What is the pest? Why was it "Alas" when the hero came to save the people?

Posted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 8:49 pm

The "Alas" relates to the bug's point of view, which the rest of the poem does not continue using. An interesting contrast.

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