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The information in this sticky comes from a pamphlet I picked up, titled "Permission to Grieve: Finding Healing and Hope After Miscarriage." The pamphlet's information comes from www.family.org .

As with the other abortion sticky, if anyone finds anything in this sticky to be offensive, please PM me and I will remove it. I mean no offense to anyone with this sticky.

Some comments might also be a little religiously tinged, in which case you can ignore them or rephrase them so you can relate to them in a different context (ie - Buddhisn instead of Christianity, etc).



Table of Contents

Post 1: Common reactions to a miscarriage.
Post 2: What hurts the parent(s) of a miscarried child.
Post 3: Don't say...
Post 4: What helps?
Post 5: Healing from a miscarriage.
Post 6: What husbands can do to help.
Post 7: Don't forget dads and siblings.
Post 8: Healing ways to remember your baby.
Post 9: "Precious Little One" poem.
Post 10: Resources.
Post 11: Reserved.

What Hurts the Parent(s) of a Miscarried Child

Far too often, well-meaning people add further hurt by saying or doing inappropriate things - or conversely, by failing to show concern and compassion. Ministering in a healing, helpful way to show someone who's experienced a miscarriage is the same as with any other kind of death.

What Helps?

Pray for the grieving parent(s).
Ask, "How can I pray for you right now?" Then remember to pray, and ideally, keep up with their prayer needs ona regular basis for the first few months.


Send a personal note or card, but avoid the temptation to "preach" or find a reason for the miscarriage. If you've experienced a miscarriage, however, sharing that fact can communicate the message, "You're not alone, and I udnerstand." A few words validating the parents' loss can be very comforting.






Think of one or two specific things that you could do.
Bring a meal, watch other children for several hours, do the laundry, run errands, take care of yard work - then call and ask if you could do so. Even small gestures of practical help can be comforting.




Churches - and pastors - need to be encouraged to acknowledge the death of an unborn baby the way other deaths are noted - whether that's through a note in the church bulletin, a Sunday service announcement, flowers or whatever. Especially when a church is active in the "sanctity of hunman life" teaching and ministry in the community, it is absolutely essential that a mixed message not be conveyed by ignoring or minimizing the deaths of babies through miscarriage.


Make yourself available to listen.
Don't make the mistake of thinking you have to say something appropriate or profound. Most of the time, the gift of listening, your tears and/or a warm hug can help more than anything you could possibly say.


Make a donation to a favourite charity in memory of the child. Or, if there is a burial, make a donation towards the headstone or other related expenses.


Send a note or flowers at the time the baby would have been born. This is something seldom thought of, but can be very comforting at a time, months later, that usually brings renewed grief.

What Husbands Can Do To Help

The father of the miscarried baby often feels helpless to understand his wife's grief - and other reactions that may accompany it. Unless it's a very late miscarriage, the baby was probably not as "real" to him as it was to his wife, and there's no way he can have experienced the same bond that his wife had with the child inside her. So, sometimes he has trouble identifying with his wife's grief and sense of loss.







However, the father has a profound - and very healing - role to play at this time. He can both validate his wife's grief, and protect her from unecessary hurt.

Healing Ways To Remember Your Baby

Funeral homes will often provide a grave and a small casket and liner for a miscarried or stillborn baby at such a low cost, that it really is an act of compassion rather than a profit-making venture. Even the purchase of a small grave marker - while more costly - can be well worth the memory in terms of the comfort and memorial provided.

Put together a special "memory box" of your baby; ultrasound pictures (if any), condolence notes, dried flowers, journal notes.

Make a gift of some kind to a pregnancy resource center or other favourite charity every year in memory of your baby.

Resources

- "Grieving the Loss of a Loved One", by Kathe Wunnenberg, Zondervan.
Available through the Focus on the Family's website: www.family.org/resources

- "Christian Miscarriage Support Group".
Website featuring articles, cards, message boards, chat rooms, poems, recommended reading, memorial ideas, links to miscarriage information resources, and more: www.miscarriagesupport.org

- "Miscarriage: How Should the Church Respond?", by John Neufeld. "Articles" link: www.miscarriagesupport.org

- Also check with local hospitals and mental health centers for pregnancy loss support groups and programs.

Miscarriage sticky is available for posting. smile

I lost my little one on Valentines Day. I woke up at 5:45 to get ready for school, and there was a small amount of blood on the tissue paper. I went online to see what that meant. The first thing that came up was miscarriage. I started to cry. I woke up my mom and she said not to worry it was probably nothing but that I should stay home just in case.

I called my OB around 8:00 to check with them to make sure everything was fine. She said it was probably from the pap smear and as long as I didn't have any cramping I should be fine. The rest of the day was normal, and when I wiped it slowly was turning brown and not pink.

Later in the day I started to get cramps. I thought I was just freaking myself out, but I called the OB any ways. She said "If you want, you can come in Today, and we will do an ultrasound to make sure everything is alright." I said no because I was going in tomorrow for an ultrasound.
Around 6:00pm blood started to drip out of me. I went to the bathroom and blood poured into the toilet, I was crying. I called my boyfriend and he came over with his mom. His mom is a nurse, and she said I needed to go to the ER. I called my mom at work and she agreed and said she would meet us there.

I kept having cramps, which I later learned were contractions. When we got to the ER, they took me right away. I changed out of my clothes, and into the robe. Blood was still coming out. I was crying and I wasn't sure what was happening. I just feared the worst of it. The nurse came in and drew blood from me.

Shortly after the doctors assistant came in and asked me what was going on. Once I told him, he asked me spread my legs. I saw them taking some of the blood clots and putting them into a jar type thing. Most looked normal, except one looked whitish. I said, what is that. Although, I already knew. He told me "Fetal tissue or its part of the placenta." I lost it. I couldn't hold back anymore, I cried and screamed. The whole time the doctor is still trying to get more stuff from inside me. I was screaming for him to get away and let me go home. As far as I understood, I already lost the baby. I didn't want anymore test, I just wanted to go home.

They told me to lay back on the pillow and she needed to some urine. Cause I was bleeding so much she used a catheter. I was crying still. I could feel my contractions increasing and more blood coming out of me. Around 10:30 they discharged me. I was getting out of the hospital bed, I looked down, and saw the baby laying on the pad on the bed. Well, what was left of him/her. I guess my contractions ripped the baby apart or something. Again, I lost it, crying and screaming. They put the baby into another jar. I said "What are they doing to do with the baby?" The nurse said "They take it to be biopsy, and then dispose of it."

I cried the whole way home and ever sense. It hurts. I feel so dead inside. I feel like a part of my heart is missing, because I gave that part to my baby. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I want another baby, but I don't want another miscarriage. I guess I will wait. For that is the mature thing to do. But I will never forget my little baby. I never even got to have an ultrasound to see you. I want nothing more than to be pregnant again. It was my job to protect that baby, and I failed. As a mother, I failed. I will never foget my first baby. Because that baby made me a first time mommy. Even if It was only for 3 months.