Welcome to Gaia! ::

Where Imagination Becomes Reality

Back to Guilds

Best place for readers and writers to chill 

Tags: Reading, Writing, cool, critique, role playing 

Reply Poet's Paradise
Taken by You

Quick Reply

Enter both words below, separated by a space:

Can't read the text? Click here

Submit

Gothique Jedi

Interesting Lunatic

9,300 Points
  • Partygoer 500
  • Millionaire 200
  • Conversationalist 100
PostPosted: Thu Jan 27, 2011 6:00 pm


Here I go,
watch me fly...
typing voices
bound to die
Screaming vocals
meant to drown
crying girls
in wedding gowns
Long for this,
crave to be...
All the principles of "free"
Love & bliss,
hand's & fingers...
neath the tree
where stormcouds linger
Nonetheless,
my gold is yours
to take and spend
with frivolous scorn
To twist & bend
to fifth degrees
of singing skies
and musing keys

-

To leave your splendor
for a night
Will keep my heart
devoid of sight
and leave my tongue
a bitter hue
to beckon my
disgust in you
How pitiful,
how ill of me!
This love deters my symmetry!
And leaves me open to the hits
of shitting windmills on the spits
of weaving rectums further gaped
to be redeemed at satan's gate
For eye's of woe
and lips of steel
to beckon hell
and make surreal
illusions
of the bitter truth
which monitor your every move

And when the lights have been avoided,
there is nothing left to touch...
and lying next to you devoted,
Shows me that you are my crutch...
And without you,
this misery,
would never be,
a part of me...
but without this,
I would be free,
to feel...
that I was safe beneath...
When truthfully,
without your love,
my life would be devoid of trust,
for I am not of human splendor,
even when you mix the gender...
sadly, slipping through to death
has brought me quite enough

Faith has tried, but brought me down...
so suicide will make no sound,
and I, like rain, will lose my course
afoot your love
dead & un-horsed.




Need help with a name.
Typos?
Likes/dislikes?
Improvements?
PostPosted: Thu Jan 27, 2011 6:38 pm


There are a few incorrect apostrophes, and a number of words that have been capitalized for reasons unknown.

Your rhyme in this piece is sublime, and not forced. Overall, you retain a clear message, and although not concise, it is well-developed.

As a title, I might suggest the simple "You" or "Yours", or perhaps the more subtle "Taken by You". Perhaps something more unique might be enjoyable, something in the vein of "Regretfully, Your Suicidal X", or "Cordially, Your Suicidal".

An aside: I enjoy your new outfit.

Priestess of Neptune
Vice Captain


Gothique Jedi

Interesting Lunatic

9,300 Points
  • Partygoer 500
  • Millionaire 200
  • Conversationalist 100
PostPosted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 12:43 pm


Some of those incorrect caps and comas may be a product of typing this while tired.

Regarding the title, I'm liking "Taken by You"; it fits. Thank you (for both the name and enjoying my new outfit).User Image
PostPosted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 8:23 pm


You are welcome, on both counts.

Priestess of Neptune
Vice Captain

Reply
Poet's Paradise

 
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games
Mini-Games
Play with GCash
Play with Platinum