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This is a piece which I will work to warm up for writing seriously, and so I am more relaxed about how well-written the first draft of this is. As such, general suggestions about sentence structure, logical progression, tone, etc. will be much more useful than nitpicking about spelling. Yes, chapter 1a is very short, which is why it is not chapter 1.

I cannot give my readers any more information about this work, as what I have written here is all that I know about it thus far - I have not (and do not intend to) do any detailed planning. The rest of the novel will likely not be as gory, however.



Ch. 1a: The Dance of Death


“Borrug!” my shriek is barely heard over the clamour of clashing steel. Ten paces before me, two men converge upon Borrug’s hulking form. He gives a bestial growl as their blades bite into him from both sides, spraying blood and bits of bone in my direction. “No-!”

I stare dumbfounded as the two are laid prone by a single swing of his war-hammer, crumpling to lay beside his massive feet. More men stream toward him – two, four, five. His muscles ripple and he raises his face to the sky, bellowing a challenge.

The first of the second wave explodes into red gore as the hammer rages through the air, as do the second and third. Another corps of men arrives from the trees, this time eight in all. I attempt to rise, but fall again, and clutch my shattered leg as the world dims around me.

Meredith runs from somewhere behind me to aid Borrug. Her face, which only half an hour ago had been serene as she sung a tale to us at the campfire, is now set in a grimace. The world darkens upon the two- she with a short blade in each hand, parrying and riposting; he clutching his hammer, knuckles white, as froth and blood foam from his mouth, falling to the earth with his enemies.

I see Borrug’s body crumple as the darkness takes me.

* * *

Jovial, the men who remain standing in the glade go about their work, removing armour, weapons, anything of value. Meredith had been the last to fall, her screams rivaling the shouts of encouragement and lust from the men, as they enjoyed their victory. However, the glade is silent once again, save for the clacking of metal as the possessions of the fallen are piled before a man, distinct from the others only in that his armour and weapons are much more clean and of a higher quality.


[this chapter is nowhere near complete - part b will arrive eventually]

Thank you.

I am also curious to see where this will go - I am considering making it the ending of the story, and then would make the rest of the novel a single flashback. Perhaps this would be too much of a gimmick?

I apologize for the sentence length. I was not quite satisfied with that sentence - I tried a parallel construction, but that did not convey what I had wished.

My sentences are generally fairly long (around 26 words rather than the typical 14) - in this passage, I consciously shortened them, as it was an action sequence.

Perhaps I shall write some more after I have done another study model or two.

I and my significant other have discussed this at length, and I am able to appreciate that method of writing. Alas, I find it difficult to work that way personally, although I have tried. I do appreciate the suggestion, however.

Thank you for the vote of confidence - the positive encouragement is welcome. I know that I require constructive criticism as well, and desire that equally.

Perhaps it shall work, if instead of introducing the dead characters, I instead introduce new characters, and near the middle of the story, have the ones that will die enter.

I am going to do some more writing in this, as I now have inspiration. Thank you.

You have commented on my piece twice now, and I have done nothing in return. I shall review yours once my inspiration begins to grow thin.

Thank you. As I noted above, violence and gore will not be typical of this novel, but will be included.

I have seen more classic horror than most have, but not as much as an enthusiast. My personal favourites are "Destiny" by Fritz Lang (1921) and the original Phantom of the Opera (1925). I was less plussed by "The Testament of Dr. Mabuse", also by Lang. Of course, there is always the classic "Cabinet of Dr. Caligari" (1921).

Your analysis of that line is quite correct. Some of the most affecting horrors are those which are more emotional than visceral.

Perhaps you enjoy horror video games, as well?

I understand your lack of time - my major is the equivalent of university and a part-time job. Are you an English major/grad, then?

Alas, I was forced to leave my collection of books at my parent's house. Once I have an apartment, hopefully I shall have those back. I fill the void with ebooks in the meantime. Gutenberg.org is a fantastic resource.