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Urban Acid

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Gothique Jedi

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 23, 2011 7:16 pm


Among the jagged rooftops stand
Peace and turmoil, hand in hand
Such a place to spend your days
Amid the choking acidic haze

Although life dealt you a hand
The dealer got the era wrong
Where you should be
In the age of green
Gentle breeze, sweet and clean

Never did you do such wrong
To deserve a life amid urban throngs
You should have known the freedom
Horizon unbidden by jagged tops
Freedom calls

Freedom close at hand
Remove the wires from the veins

Out of reach it must seem
Time ticks slowly
The cogs give way
Rust ever growing
Joints cease their movement now
Stuck we are
Among the jagged rooftops

Peace, just out of reach



Typos?
Likes/dislikes?
Improvements?
PostPosted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 4:24 am


Among the jagged rooftops stand
Peace and turmoil, hand in hand
Such a place to spend your days
Amid the choking acidic haze


This part is very good.

Although life dealt you a hand
The dealer got the era wrong
Where you should be
In the age of green
Gentle breeze, sweet and clean


I like the iambic pentameter here, human.

Never did you do such wrong
To deserve a life amid urban throngs
You should have known the freedom
Horizon unbidden by jagged tops
Freedom calls


This lacks Rhyming bits which I like, and this doesn't have flow, as a matter of fact all rhythm stops here.

Freedom close at hand
Remove the wires from the veins

Out of reach it must seem
Time ticks slowly
The cogs give way
Rust ever growing
Joints cease their movement now
Stuck we are
Among the jagged rooftops

Peace, just out of reach


This feels more like a song than a poem. Also I marked words used twice because it felt a little too repetitive.

Paranoid Android Kid A


Priestess of Neptune
Vice Captain

PostPosted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 4:27 am


Thank you for the critique, Android, and welcome to the guild.

If you have the time, I am certain that many users would benefit greatly from a crit such as this.
Reply
Poet's Paradise

 
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