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I dunno
1) What I think of this story and
2) Whether the ending completely SUCKS or not.

Reviews/Suggestions would be ADORED.

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Koaru was alone, in every way imaginable.

With the Host Club, at least the boy could feel like he was part of something greater. He loved watching everyone go a little crazy day by day, and grow a little closer, moment by moment. Koaru enjoyed sitting back, feeling at home, like he could relax a bit. He liked pretending that the girls that came through were real, and loved him for being him, and that they didn't constantly confuse him with his brother, or look down at his appearance, rather than in his eyes while he was talking. The teen relished the feel of family that the host club provided; it was more than he could ever wish for at home, with both of his parents constantly working, and his brother constantly becoming busier.

Tamaki was always loud and obnoxious; while Koaru pretended to be annoyed by it, he secretly loved it. The teen hated quiet moments where he was stuck sitting and pondering; he had far too much of that at home anyway. Kyouya was always quiet and reserved- the complete opposite of Tamaki. Koaru enjoyed more distracting people, like the blond, and yet there was something about Kyouya that interested Koaru almost as much. The dark haired boy knew everything, and watched over everyone. While unsettling, Koaru would never trade it for anything in the world, he decided. Hunni and Mori were a pair of opposites, but whoever said that opposites attract hit the nail on the head with them, so much so in fact that Koaru wondered if he ever actually saw them apart. Then, of course there was Haruhi, the innocent girl who seemed to just be in the wrong place at the wrong time. And yet somehow she had everyone captivated.

Above everything - above Tamaki and Kyouya, Hunni and Mori, above even Renge and Haruhi - Koaru had Hikaru. Hikaru was the light and dark, the fire and ice, the day and night. He could be one way, and then turn around and be someone else entirely. Most days Hikaru was happy and carefree, always playing games with people. There were other days, however, that no one else but Koaru knew about. Hikaru could be low, just so down and out of it. Koaru liked the secrecy- he liked being the only one Hikaru dared show this other side to. And more importantly, Koaru liked Hikaru.

It was dangerous and unheard of by anyone, two brothers being together. And so Koaru never expressed those feelings he had. He would sometimes wonder if Hikaru even bothered to notice the way he’d look over at him. The teen probably didn’t, since he usually had his head somewhere in the clouds. Koaru sometimes wondered if this was an act too, or a mask to hide how he really felt about life, and how their cards were dealt. Koaru was the only one to know about how Hikaru hated being a twin. He hated that he wasn’t special to anyone- he wasn’t even the second best. He was just one of the Hitachiin boys, never anything more, despite all his efforts to rise above his brother, even though it was his brother who had to listen to him talk like this. His brother who had to ignore the sting he felt when Hikaru said he wishes he could be someone else, born into another family. His brother, who decided long ago when he first realized his affection for Hikaru decided he’d always be there for him for anything he needed. And Hikaru never even realized any of it.

It was selfish, Koaru was sure. It was selfish of him to be so inconsiderate- everyone would expect their brother to be there for them, right? It was selfish to believe that in all the years they’d been together, Hikaru would have picked up on the fact that maybe Koaru hugged him a little too long. Or maybe that Koaru played the ‘innocent uke’ part just a little too well to be faking. But of course, Hikaru never saw any of these things, because Hikaru never once cared. As soon as the Host Club would adjourn, Hikaru was done playing the part. He didn’t have to be madly in forbidden love with Koaru, so he wasn’t. It was just another game to him. And it was everything to Koaru.

Over time, the twin began noticing the way Hikaru looked at Haruhi. It was almost identical to the way he himself would look at Hikaru sometimes (Koaru looked in the mirror to check and see for himself). Koaru saw that Hikaru cherished every touch from the girl, relished each time their eyes would meet. And that was when Hikaru began targeting the girl.

As the kind brother, Koaru found himself following along behind Hikaru, following along behind Haruhi. It made him feel like a lost puppy. He had no choice, though. Hikaru was moving on, and instead of risking what the brothers had together, the twin lived with it. He lived with the fact that Hikaru probably went to sleep dreaming about the girl. He lived with the fact that Hikaru always brushed his hand against Haruhi’s whenever they were near. He lived with the fact that Kyouya seemed to be calculating profits in his head –Yes, the black haired boy would look over at Hikaru and Haruhi sometimes; Koaru assumed he was wondering how much profit their relationship would bring in. It was hopeless if even Kyouya was wondering about it. The only two people who couldn’t see it themselves were Hikaru and Haruhi. And that just wouldn’t do.

“What the hell is your problem?!” Koaru finally couldn’t take it anymore. His hands were balled into tight fists, which he’d just banged on his desk. Both teens had been at home studying when suddenly the first cried out. He had cracked. Koaru had cracked like a window that too many rocks had been thrown against. Maybe if things had gone that way, and they had been two different people throwing rocks at each other’s windows at midnight just to see each other it wouldn’t have to be like this. Hikaru just looked at the boy in surprise- he hadn’t been doing anything, after all. Just sitting, scribbling notes on a loose-leaf sheet of paper, per usual.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Hikaru retorted, one eyebrow raised in suspicion. His tone was a lot more relaxed than his frazzled brother, whose words had nearly all blended together.

“Why are you so in love with her?” Koaru demanded, nearly glaring at his brother, his friend, his unrequited love.

“Who? What the heck are you on about?”

“You’re in love with Haruhi!” The redhead finally exclaimed, looking over the other. “Why can’t you see that? Why can’t you see that I’m in love with you?!”

“You’re what?” Hikaru yelled back. Their voices had constantly been escalating until now, at this point they were practically both screaming at each other. Koaru closed his eyes, not thinking straight. He was angry, he was hurt; he was disgusted with himself. In a haze of all of these things, the twin leaned –no, hurtled forward, connecting his lips to Hikaru’s before the other boy could react.

Of course, to any of those who are experienced in love, this only spelled disaster. And disaster it was. Hikaru, frozen in place by surprise at first, roughly shoved Koaru off- the immature side of him showing once again. Instead of talking about it, or facing up to what he’d have to eventually, Hikaru bolted out of the bedroom –their bedroom. In that instant Koaru realized things would never be the same between them.

-


“Hikaru and Koaru, you both better pull it together quickly; our sales have fallen rapidly since you both decided to… well, it’s what you’re not doing.” The glare from Kyouya’s glasses hid the one behind his eyes, though the Host Club all knew it was there in his angered frown and tensed expression. Actually, not many of the Host Club members had to know it was there- only the twins, who were currently hearing the shadow king’s famous lecture. “If you don’t shape up quickly, so help me I will...” And Koaru zoned out again. Really, he didn’t care what threat Kyouya chose to use this time. Nothing could be worse than the fact that Hikaru wasn’t speaking to him, looking at him, or even acknowledging his existence! It was one thing to ignore someone; it was a whole other to pretend they didn’t exsist! “Koaru, are you listening?” The redhead’s eyes snapped from Hikaru’s face back up to meet silver ones, darkened in the current situation.

The boy nodded weakly, eyes glancing back over to Hikaru. He had to know Koaru was staring him down- he just had to! The frustrated teen let out a heavy sigh, again checking for any sort of reaction from Hikaru, and again there was nothing. His brother didn’t even bat an eye. He didn’t even look like he was breathing.

“Get it together.” Was all Kyouya said before walking off, back to his computer and desk. Koaru opened his mouth to speak, but of course Hikaru was already gone, and of course that knot in Koaru’s stomach twisted just a bit further.

“Hey, Haruhi…” Another stomach twist. Koaru turned to see Hikaru talking to that girl again (though Koaru had already recognized the voice).

“What do you want?”

“I want to play…” Hikaru was actually whining, and it was actually almost suggestive. Maybe the teen really was taking Koaru’s suggestion… the b*****d. “Haruhi… I’m bored, come play with me~!” Koaru closed his eyes in attempt to pretend like it wasn’t happening, but no matter what he did their voices still came through loud and clear. In an instant there were footsteps- loud, quick, heavy ones, and then another voice.

“What are you doing with my daughter?!” Koaru’s eyes had to pop open at the sound of Tamaki. As soon as the teen did, however, he regretted it. There was the Host King, of course, but next to him was Hikaru who happened to be holding a very bemused Haruhi in his slinky little arms. How sick. Grumbling, much like a child, Koaru turned away from the scene and crossed his arms over his chest angrily. Why did his brother have to be such a jerk? It was almost like his twin was rubbing it in his face that he’d never love Koaru back. And it hurt. A lot. Koaru brought himself up out of the chair he’d been sitting in, where he’d been watching Hikaru and Haruhi happily pretend to play house with Tamaki who never even had a chance. How nice it must be to play around and imagine life was better; imagine that you really could be in love where the person loved you back. And though Koaru hated himself for it, he wished that just once his own brother could feel like he did, because it hurt so much that sometimes you wonder how you’re going to get through tomorrow.

And Koaru would know.

The teen stood over the bathroom sink, staring at his ugly, wearied face. He wished that his brother could look as ugly as he right now- eyes reddened from crying, puffy from wasted energy, and face lined with streaks. He wished that person who he’d given so much thought and care and everything for would just feel like he, for one day. And yet, as Koaru stood staring at his reflection picturing it as his twin, and hoping his twin would just hurry up and die, or fall ill, or depressed, or anything that could possibly be bad, the teen couldn’t help but wish that same person would walk through those bathroom doors and just see him like this; maybe that once glance would be enough to show Hikaru how much Koaru loved him, and he would love too, and they would hold each other and cry and laugh and just be happy together for the first time in years, and in a new way that’s never been. Sometimes love could be a really sick thing, Koaru thought.

He’d tried to pretend, he’d tried to make friends, he’d tried to love… yet even now, Koaru realized he was still alone, in just about every way imaginable, and he was done trying to fix that.

You don't know what you think of this story and whether it totally sucks or not.
Well, friend...
Neither do I.
Seriously, I have no idea what to make of this. I don't know if I'm for or against it. I don't know if I like it or hate it. Don't know if it's well written or just sounds like it is.
I seriously... just don't know.
So I'm in the same boat as you, here.

{nods} I completely agree with you on all accounts. I don't think it's worth abandoning this story, either. But blow me if I know why it's worth keeping and working on. Very weird, as you said.