Staring into the endless sky, Mauja felt a certain emptiness within him. He had been starting to make his way back home, resolving to keep himself alone for the duration of the journey. It was proving to be a task of great difficulty, however, as he knew just how much he craved company. Night after night, he curled himself into a ball, without a single thought of sleep. His open, orange eyes appeared dead as he stared out. Was this what some referred to as a mid-life crisis…? It felt far too awful to be anything less.
With these long nights, however, Mauja found himself filled to the brim with racing thoughts. What had his life really been worth up to this point? Nothing but one-night-stands, travelling aimlessly, and leaving his cubs without a father? It all seemed so…..worthless. Not only did he feel like a failure as a grown cheetah, he felt like an utter failure as a father. He couldn’t even keep them from leaving – when pressed, the wrong words all seemed to pour from his mouth, like a disease he couldn’t possibly escape from. It was all rather disgusting, really. And with all these thoughts, he still found himself crawling back to his love, assuming that he’d be forgiven for everything he’s done. She was always so sweet about it, too….he felt just awful, like his title of master should have been voided long ago, when he first brought home those oddly-colored cubs that she knew weren’t hers. Such despicable treatment…
Taking in a deep breath, he closed his eyes. He was sitting, now, erect in the tall grass, feeling the slight wind blow through his fur. The chill of it cooled his emotions, and he tried to make his mind go blank, no longer wanting to feel the sting of endless guilt that he was feeling now. That he had been feeling for so many moons.
But here, sitting so calmly in the twilight, Mauja could feel a wave of ease wash over his soul. Though it only lasted for a little while, it still at least allowed for him to crack a small smile. It felt quite nice, and it helped to clear his mind a little. With everything cluttering up like this in his head, it was hard to not spiral downwards. And with his return looming ever closer, he didn’t want to have a dismal face on for his…oh, that’s right, they’d be almost all grown now, wouldn’t they? It had been such a long time that Mauja often found himself trapped in a loop where time just stopped moving. Time after time, he would ignore the physical strains that seemed to grow and grow, pretending that he, in fact, wasn’t growing any older. It’s not that he was….old. But with all of the things he did when he was younger, it was all adding up now, at this age.
Looking down at his paws, Mauja could feel a slight tremble in his legs. Even though he was in a seated position, he couldn’t help but collapse a little, lurching forward with a sneer on his maw. It hurt, but he didn’t really know why. Why was all of this hitting him at once, on this seemingly innocent evening? Honestly, it all just sucked, plain and simple. He had never felt so alone, so guilty, so…hurt. Why was he going back there…? Just to leave again? But right now….right now it was her company that he was really craving. Her smile that he really needed to see.
Is this what….true love feels like?
It was odd, to say the least, that all this turmoil and heartsick was really all just about…her. Not that he didn’t care, or that she wasn’t worth it, but…if he had just known sooner, he could have prevented all this pain. If there was one thing that Mauja really hated, it was pain. Not physical pain, so much, as he tended to have that on a daily basis, what with his adrenaline-junkie lifestyle. No, it was this, that he was feeling right now – that’s what he hated most in life. It was what drove his ‘playboy’ lifestyle, because facing the fact that he really cared for someone else just seemed too much to bear. He had grown up, after all, fully believing in everything his grandfather had told him – love is for those who are too weak to survive on their own. He had received the same upbringing that he had been instilling in his own offspring – though, they at least had a mother. Memories of his cubhood always brought back such horrible….feelings. He had had his sister, though – a ray of sunlight in his otherwise dismal and jaded life.
It’s happening again. Crap.
Shaking his head, Mauja flicked his eyes open, staring intensely into the multi-colored sky. He held a defeated expression, but it was better than rolling in self-pity. Forcing out a laugh, it soon turned to something with substance, relieving the pressure that had been building in his head. His forehead was throbbing slightly, something even the cool evening air couldn’t solve. At this point, sleep was the only thing he could think of that would make him feel any better.
Watching the sky continuously change above him, his eyes eased, and a small grin spread across his face. There was just something about it that made even his muddled thoughts ease and separate. Plus, it was just a beautiful sight to behold, one that would take anyone’s mind off things. Which was something he desperately needed at this point. It was sad, really, how far he’d let this emotion go.
Lowering himself to the ground, Mauja scooted a few paces over, next to the base of a tree, to feel more secure during the night. Normally, he wouldn’t sleep when it’s completely dark, but he felt it necessary now. With his tail gently curled around his lean body, he closed his eyes, hoping that tomorrow his soul would feel….well, lighter.
With these long nights, however, Mauja found himself filled to the brim with racing thoughts. What had his life really been worth up to this point? Nothing but one-night-stands, travelling aimlessly, and leaving his cubs without a father? It all seemed so…..worthless. Not only did he feel like a failure as a grown cheetah, he felt like an utter failure as a father. He couldn’t even keep them from leaving – when pressed, the wrong words all seemed to pour from his mouth, like a disease he couldn’t possibly escape from. It was all rather disgusting, really. And with all these thoughts, he still found himself crawling back to his love, assuming that he’d be forgiven for everything he’s done. She was always so sweet about it, too….he felt just awful, like his title of master should have been voided long ago, when he first brought home those oddly-colored cubs that she knew weren’t hers. Such despicable treatment…
Taking in a deep breath, he closed his eyes. He was sitting, now, erect in the tall grass, feeling the slight wind blow through his fur. The chill of it cooled his emotions, and he tried to make his mind go blank, no longer wanting to feel the sting of endless guilt that he was feeling now. That he had been feeling for so many moons.
But here, sitting so calmly in the twilight, Mauja could feel a wave of ease wash over his soul. Though it only lasted for a little while, it still at least allowed for him to crack a small smile. It felt quite nice, and it helped to clear his mind a little. With everything cluttering up like this in his head, it was hard to not spiral downwards. And with his return looming ever closer, he didn’t want to have a dismal face on for his…oh, that’s right, they’d be almost all grown now, wouldn’t they? It had been such a long time that Mauja often found himself trapped in a loop where time just stopped moving. Time after time, he would ignore the physical strains that seemed to grow and grow, pretending that he, in fact, wasn’t growing any older. It’s not that he was….old. But with all of the things he did when he was younger, it was all adding up now, at this age.
Looking down at his paws, Mauja could feel a slight tremble in his legs. Even though he was in a seated position, he couldn’t help but collapse a little, lurching forward with a sneer on his maw. It hurt, but he didn’t really know why. Why was all of this hitting him at once, on this seemingly innocent evening? Honestly, it all just sucked, plain and simple. He had never felt so alone, so guilty, so…hurt. Why was he going back there…? Just to leave again? But right now….right now it was her company that he was really craving. Her smile that he really needed to see.
Is this what….true love feels like?
It was odd, to say the least, that all this turmoil and heartsick was really all just about…her. Not that he didn’t care, or that she wasn’t worth it, but…if he had just known sooner, he could have prevented all this pain. If there was one thing that Mauja really hated, it was pain. Not physical pain, so much, as he tended to have that on a daily basis, what with his adrenaline-junkie lifestyle. No, it was this, that he was feeling right now – that’s what he hated most in life. It was what drove his ‘playboy’ lifestyle, because facing the fact that he really cared for someone else just seemed too much to bear. He had grown up, after all, fully believing in everything his grandfather had told him – love is for those who are too weak to survive on their own. He had received the same upbringing that he had been instilling in his own offspring – though, they at least had a mother. Memories of his cubhood always brought back such horrible….feelings. He had had his sister, though – a ray of sunlight in his otherwise dismal and jaded life.
It’s happening again. Crap.
Shaking his head, Mauja flicked his eyes open, staring intensely into the multi-colored sky. He held a defeated expression, but it was better than rolling in self-pity. Forcing out a laugh, it soon turned to something with substance, relieving the pressure that had been building in his head. His forehead was throbbing slightly, something even the cool evening air couldn’t solve. At this point, sleep was the only thing he could think of that would make him feel any better.
Watching the sky continuously change above him, his eyes eased, and a small grin spread across his face. There was just something about it that made even his muddled thoughts ease and separate. Plus, it was just a beautiful sight to behold, one that would take anyone’s mind off things. Which was something he desperately needed at this point. It was sad, really, how far he’d let this emotion go.
Lowering himself to the ground, Mauja scooted a few paces over, next to the base of a tree, to feel more secure during the night. Normally, he wouldn’t sleep when it’s completely dark, but he felt it necessary now. With his tail gently curled around his lean body, he closed his eyes, hoping that tomorrow his soul would feel….well, lighter.
