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Fireheartleon

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 08, 2011 10:41 am


Fear

This is prolly my best RP I did. I wanna know if there is anything worth improving.
PostPosted: Sun Jan 16, 2011 5:47 pm


Could you copy over the one you want me to look at? because from what I've seen they seem to be okay, but maybe I'm looking at it wrong.

JobsEveryDay
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Fireheartleon

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 18, 2011 5:32 pm


The one that was in the direct link should be the one for review.
PostPosted: Tue Jan 18, 2011 6:01 pm


Fear...you rarely see anyone admit to having it. Only when they're shaking in their boots or pissing their pants will they tap your shoulder and tell you "I'm scared." A few reaction lines would be "I know. Me too," "I know. Isn't it great?" or "Don't be scared. I'm here." That last line is probably the most common line to say after someone admits something or someone scared the piss out of them. You know those big tough guys who pretty much cover their whole bodies with black leather? They say they have no fear. That's not true. either they are too sissy to admit it or they havent met fear eye to eye. That is quite sad because fear is what makes a man human. Unfortunately, that means I aint human, either. I havent found anything that fears me anymore.First it was living on the streets, but after a while, I got used to it. Then it was being alone, but again, I got used to it. Now, it's like a part of me is missing. I have nothing to fear. Nothing. IOt feels...wierd. I don't know why. I tried many things. I swam with sharks and electric eels,slepts in a bed of tarantulas and snakes, even jumped out of a plane. All I got was pumping adrenaline. I cant find my phobia. But now I thinnk I found it. The question is...what?

Tyler Brownlee
Hey, man. You okay? You look like you just saw a ghost.

Leon Lonewolf
Huh? Oh yeah. I'm fine.

Tyler Brownlee
You sure You don't look so good.

Leon Lonewolf
I...I really dont know. I've been shaking since Monday and I don't have the slightest clue why.

Tyler Brownlee
You're asking the wrong guy. I'm no psyhic. All I know is that you have a bug up your ss or something.


Leon Lonewolf
Then why are you so chirpy?

Tyler Brownlee
Because I now can get respect from Shannon Saint. the question is...which job should I take? I can be in charge of the PCW website, or maybe Head Booker, or-

Leon Lonewolf
Or maybe CEO?

Tyler Brownlee
Leon, you're a genius!I can run Saint out of the job.It's perfect. he can keep his commentator job. He's perfect right there and no one else!

Leon Lonewolf
Indeed.

We're sitting in a coffee shop somewhere in New York City, sippin a cup and chowing on a fat-free donut. Apparently, I dozed off and began day-dreaming again. But it more like a day-nightmare. I can't quote put my finger on it. Why am I shaking like a puppy dog? I just don't get it.

Tyler Brownlee
Well, we're both headlining Battle Finale this weekend.

Leon Lonewolf
Yep. Got a strategy?

Tyler Brownlee
Yea. Since I want to beat up Saint badly and apparently, this Eric Redgate guy from the YCW days wants to beat him up as well. So, assuming we have Tornado Rules, we Gangbang the ******** out of him, I hit my finisher, he hits his finisher, we kill him with a tag finisher, and double pin him. That way, I take his job, he gets his revenge, and everyone can go home as happy ******** Lonewolf
Haha! Good one. Sounds like a plan.

Tyler Brownlee
What about you, man? You got anything up your sleeves.

Leon Lonewolf
I...I don't know...

Tyler Brownlee
What? That can't be right! You're Leon Lonewolf! You have a strategy for everything.

Leon Lonewolf
I know. It's just...I got to go.

I jump out of my seat and head towards the exit.

Tyler Brownlee
Hey wait!

But it was too late. I already left the coffe shop and into my car. I drive off into the distance, leaving Tyler behind. I drive...and drive...and drive. I see a nice little park outside of New York City. I step out of the car. The winter air tickles my nose. I grab my trench coat and put it on. I also grab my leather gloves and my headband. Gotta stay warm. After putting them on, I grab my Zune and headphonesand begin wandering around. "Crying Rain" by Girugamesh blasts in my ears. The song reminds me of how I feel, so I begin translating, singing and muttering under my breath.

Satoshi
Furidashita ame wa kawaita asufaruto ni tokete

Leon Lonewolf
The rain that started falling melts into the dry asphault

Satoshi
Binetsu majiri no te tsumetaku tsutsumiknde yuku

Leon Lonewolf
I coldly wrap this hand that is mixed with a slight fever

Satoshi
Namida misezu ni nani ka wo gizei ni shite aruku

Leon Lonewolf
Without seeing the tears I walk turning something into the victm

Satoshi
Tatoe kekka kimi wo uragiru kotko ni natte mo

Leon Lonewolf
As a result, I end up betraying you

Satoshi
Demo ne kawareru kibou wo sutete kono mama

Leon Lonewolf
But you know, it can change. I remain like this until I throw away my hope

Satoshi
kimi to zutto onaji yume wo miyou to

Leon Lonewolf
Always with you, I want to see the same dream as you.

Satoshi
kurikaesu hibi ga bokura wo nurashite yuku

Leon Lonewolf
The repeating days soak us more and more

Satoshi
Ano hi egaita basho sae

Leon Lonewolf
Even the painted place of that day

Satoshi
Doshaburi no yoru wa zutto nariyamanai

Leon Lonewolf
The downpouring night is never stopping to cry

Satoshi
Yoru ga naku naku

Leon Lonewolf
The night is crying, crying.

The song goes on, but I stop singing to myself. I see Rei sitting at a table by herself, all bundled up. She seems to be humming to herself. I turn off my Zune and approach her. She doesnt seem to notice me until I sit down opposite of her.

Rei
Leon! It's a surprise seeing you.

Leon Lonewolf
I must say the same for you. What are you doing here?

Rei
I like to come by a nice, peaceful park like this and listen to the wind blowing or the birds chirping.

Leon Lonewolf
It is peaceful.

Rei
What about you? What brings you here?

Leon Lonewolf
I...I don't know. I think I just have some stuff in my head that need clearing.

Rei
You're scared, arent you?

Leon Lonewolf
H-how did you know?

Rei
I can sense it. You're afraid of you're match's consequences.

Leon Lonewolf
You're half-right. I am worried, but not the post-match decisions. I'm worried about the match itself. I created a monster house. It was designed to end or shorten careers. When I faced Billy Williams at Alma Mater Diem, I was confident that I was gonna win. He deserved it for what he did to the prestige of the Broadcast Title, to his kids, and to PCW itself, but now...I don't know if either of us will make it out alive. We can die out there if we aren't careful.

Rei
I know. I know Mariano is scared, too, to be honest.

Leon Lonewolf
I know you have Athena's blood in you. You have the Goddess' powers in you.

Rei
Yeah. You know, I can he-

Leon Lonewolf
I must ask you not to get involved in any way.

Rei
But-

Leon Lonewolf
I must settle this alone, and Mariano is worried about your safety. I must ask you to stay away. I don't want you or anyone else hurt...it pains me to think I may hurt Mariano to an extent.

The area is silent for a moment, with the exception of nature.

Rei
She's telling me to stay by your guy's side.

Leon Lonewolf
Who?

Rei
Athena. My ancestor. She's telling me to avoid any danger, but to stick by your side and Mariano's. I wont interfere, but I'm not gonna stay at home while you guys nearly kill each other. I will by sitting in my seat in the front row watching.

I was about to talk her out of it, but knowing Rei, once she makes up her mind, nothing can change it. I sigh as I place my hand on her shoulder.

Leon Lonewolf
Alright. C'mon. Let's go home.

We stand up and stretch our legs and arms a bit before I escort Rei back home.


Is this it?

JobsEveryDay
Crew


Fireheartleon

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 10:32 am


Yea, thats the story portion
PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 6:52 pm


timhaynie
Fear...you rarely see anyone admit to having it. Only when they're shaking in their boots or pissing their pants will they tap your shoulder and tell you "I'm scared." A few reaction lines would be "I know. Me too," "I know. Isn't it great?" or "Don't be scared. I'm here." That last line is probably the most common line to say after someone admits something or someone scared the piss out of them. You know those big tough guys who pretty much cover their whole bodies with black leather? They say they have no fear. That's not true. either they are too sissy to admit it or they havent met fear eye to eye. That is quite sad because fear is what makes a man human. Unfortunately, that means I aint human, either. I havent found anything that fears me anymore.First it was living on the streets, but after a while, I got used to it. Then it was being alone, but again, I got used to it. Now, it's like a part of me is missing. I have nothing to fear. Nothing. IOt feels...wierd. I don't know why. I tried many things. I swam with sharks and electric eels,slepts in a bed of tarantulas and snakes, even jumped out of a plane. All I got was pumping adrenaline. I cant find my phobia. But now I thinnk I found it. The question is...what?

Tyler Brownlee
Hey, man. You okay? You look like you just saw a ghost.

Leon Lonewolf
Huh? Oh yeah. I'm fine.

Tyler Brownlee
You sure You don't look so good.

Leon Lonewolf
I...I really dont know. I've been shaking since Monday and I don't have the slightest clue why.

Tyler Brownlee
You're asking the wrong guy. I'm no psyhic. All I know is that you have a bug up your ss or something.


Leon Lonewolf
Then why are you so chirpy?

Tyler Brownlee
Because I now can get respect from Shannon Saint. the question is...which job should I take? I can be in charge of the PCW website, or maybe Head Booker, or-

Leon Lonewolf
Or maybe CEO?

Tyler Brownlee
Leon, you're a genius!I can run Saint out of the job.It's perfect. he can keep his commentator job. He's perfect right there and no one else!

Leon Lonewolf
Indeed.

We're sitting in a coffee shop somewhere in New York City, sippin a cup and chowing on a fat-free donut. Apparently, I dozed off and began day-dreaming again. But it more like a day-nightmare. I can't quote put my finger on it. Why am I shaking like a puppy dog? I just don't get it.

Tyler Brownlee
Well, we're both headlining Battle Finale this weekend.

Leon Lonewolf
Yep. Got a strategy?

Tyler Brownlee
Yea. Since I want to beat up Saint badly and apparently, this Eric Redgate guy from the YCW days wants to beat him up as well. So, assuming we have Tornado Rules, we Gangbang the ******** out of him, I hit my finisher, he hits his finisher, we kill him with a tag finisher, and double pin him. That way, I take his job, he gets his revenge, and everyone can go home as happy ********!

Leon Lonewolf
Haha! Good one. Sounds like a plan.

Tyler Brownlee
What about you, man? You got anything up your sleeves.

Leon Lonewolf
I...I don't know...

Tyler Brownlee
What? That can't be right! You're Leon Lonewolf! You have a strategy for everything.

Leon Lonewolf
I know. It's just...I got to go.

I jump out of my seat and head towards the exit.

Tyler Brownlee
Hey wait!



(I would break it up into two parts right here. Most people will see what you wrote and think. "Oh No, wall of text! not reading this!" Even if it does tell a good story. I liked the promo. I the beginning though you should maybe have a "Leon Lonewolf" Above the first paragraph or no one would be sure who said it. A narrator? a side player? Maybe the Devil?





But it was too late. I already left the coffe shop and into my car. I drive off into the distance, leaving Tyler behind. I drive...and drive...and drive. I see a nice little park outside of New York City. I step out of the car. The winter air tickles my nose. I grab my trench coat and put it on. I also grab my leather gloves and my headband. Gotta stay warm. After putting them on, I grab my Zune and headphonesand begin wandering around. "Crying Rain" by Girugamesh blasts in my ears. The song reminds me of how I feel, so I begin translating, singing and muttering under my breath.

Satoshi
Furidashita ame wa kawaita asufaruto ni tokete

Leon Lonewolf
The rain that started falling melts into the dry asphault

Satoshi
Binetsu majiri no te tsumetaku tsutsumiknde yuku

Leon Lonewolf
I coldly wrap this hand that is mixed with a slight fever

Satoshi
Namida misezu ni nani ka wo gizei ni shite aruku

Leon Lonewolf
Without seeing the tears I walk turning something into the victm

Satoshi
Tatoe kekka kimi wo uragiru kotko ni natte mo

Leon Lonewolf
As a result, I end up betraying you

Satoshi
Demo ne kawareru kibou wo sutete kono mama

Leon Lonewolf
But you know, it can change. I remain like this until I throw away my hope

Satoshi
kimi to zutto onaji yume wo miyou to

Leon Lonewolf
Always with you, I want to see the same dream as you.

Satoshi
kurikaesu hibi ga bokura wo nurashite yuku

Leon Lonewolf
The repeating days soak us more and more

Satoshi
Ano hi egaita basho sae

Leon Lonewolf
Even the painted place of that day

Satoshi
Doshaburi no yoru wa zutto nariyamanai

Leon Lonewolf
The downpouring night is never stopping to cry

Satoshi
Yoru ga naku naku

Leon Lonewolf
The night is crying, crying.

The song goes on, but I stop singing to myself. I see Rei sitting at a table by herself, all bundled up. She seems to be humming to herself. I turn off my Zune and approach her. She doesnt seem to notice me until I sit down opposite of her.

Rei
Leon! It's a surprise seeing you.

Leon Lonewolf
I must say the same for you. What are you doing here?

Rei
I like to come by a nice, peaceful park like this and listen to the wind blowing or the birds chirping.

Leon Lonewolf
It is peaceful.

Rei
What about you? What brings you here?

Leon Lonewolf
I...I don't know. I think I just have some stuff in my head that need clearing.

Rei
You're scared, arent you?

Leon Lonewolf
H-how did you know?

Rei
I can sense it. You're afraid of you're match's consequences.

Leon Lonewolf
You're half-right. I am worried, but not the post-match decisions. I'm worried about the match itself. I created a monster house. It was designed to end or shorten careers. When I faced Billy Williams at Alma Mater Diem, I was confident that I was gonna win. He deserved it for what he did to the prestige of the Broadcast Title, to his kids, and to PCW itself, but now...I don't know if either of us will make it out alive. We can die out there if we aren't careful.

Rei
I know. I know Mariano is scared, too, to be honest.

Leon Lonewolf
I know you have Athena's blood in you. You have the Goddess' powers in you.

Rei
Yeah. You know, I can he-

Leon Lonewolf
I must ask you not to get involved in any way.

Rei
But-

Leon Lonewolf
I must settle this alone, and Mariano is worried about your safety. I must ask you to stay away. I don't want you or anyone else hurt...it pains me to think I may hurt Mariano to an extent.

The area is silent for a moment, with the exception of nature.

Rei
She's telling me to stay by your guy's side.

Leon Lonewolf
Who?

Rei
Athena. My ancestor. She's telling me to avoid any danger, but to stick by your side and Mariano's. I wont interfere, but I'm not gonna stay at home while you guys nearly kill each other. I will by sitting in my seat in the front row watching.

I was about to talk her out of it, but knowing Rei, once she makes up her mind, nothing can change it. I sigh as I place my hand on her shoulder.

Leon Lonewolf
Alright. C'mon. Let's go home.

We stand up and stretch our legs and arms a bit before I escort Rei back home.




I loved it. It told the story that you are scared. You have the fear. In the first part, that part is clear when you jumped in your car and ran. But scared of what? That leaves it open. then in part 2. You explained what you were scared of. Good ending, makes me want to see the match to see what this move is. Good Job. )


Is this it?
Check it out.

JobsEveryDay
Crew


Fireheartleon

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 8:25 pm


Thanks. I never have text above the paragraphs that are narrators. I can PM you the match, but I ended up winning the World Heavyweight Championship by a hair. In my own created match nonetheless.
PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 9:05 pm


Yeah, Well some matches are e fed, some are rping..

JobsEveryDay
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Fireheartleon

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 20, 2011 9:00 am


yea, this was for the efed I co-own
PostPosted: Thu Jan 20, 2011 9:43 am


Well if you do promo's like this, I feel you will be okay. But there are other types of promo's that might help out.

JobsEveryDay
Crew

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Tim's Class (Open)

 
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