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 Posted: Fri Jan 27, 2006 6:11 pm
EDIT: We broke up, this problem is no more!
I sometimes get jealous when he's around his female friends, ever since one specific friend tired to be "more than friends" with him, even after she knew about me. I call him a lot, even when he says he'll call me. I read an article in CosmoGirl that described the signs of an abusive partner, and I felt like I almost fit the description. I don't mean to be abusive. Am I? I try to treat him right, I really do. I love him, and I try to show it. It's just sometimes I screw up and do/say things I don't mean. I don't hit him, and I don't say things to hurt him. Maybe I do put a little pressure on him to do sexual things that maybe he's not ready for, but I don't do that much anymore, especially since my meds reduced my sex drive. How do I stop doing this and start treating him better?
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Posted: Fri Jan 27, 2006 8:33 pm
Well, possessiveness and jealousy are the first hallmarks of an abusive relationship, as well as a need to control the other person's personal interactions with others. That doesn't mean that all jealousy means you're abusive, just that it's a good warning sign that things aren't right.
So if you're trying to control his interactions with others and cut him off from friends, things like that, I'd totally worry about what's going on with you. If you feel a little twinge of jealousy but aren't trying to cut him off then no, doesn't sound abusive, just that you're insecure about your position with him.
What it sounds more like is that you have an issue with trusting him and that you're feeling a bit desperate to make sure he KNOWS you're there. [You may not like that part, but calling him all the time even though he's supposed to call you really sounds like that is what's going on. You're afraid he'll forget about you.] Some part of you is afraid that if another female propositions him that he'll take it.
Personally, talk to him about this and just let him know that you feel worried and insecure sometimes and that you need to hear from him that he's thinking about you. And whenever you start to hear whatever script runs through your head as you get jealous, stop yourself and ask if you have any logical basis for it. IE-Has he done anything to make you think he'd cheat? And then go from there.
It's good that you worry about being controlling/abusive. From what you've said here that doesn't sound like the case, but that's based on what you wrote so maybe there's more you haven't told us.
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Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 1:58 pm
You say this girl tried to be "more than friends" with him. Was he trying to be "more than friends" with her?
Fact is, you can't control what people outside your relationship do or say. But why do you need to punish HIM for HER actions?
What you need to do is think long and hard. Would HE cheat on you? (Not, would some random third party like him to cheat, but would HE cheat). If you decide that he probably would, this may not be the best relationship and maybe you should consider ending it. BUT, if you decide that no, he probably would not cheat on you, then you need to internalize that. You need to fully realize it. Whenever you feel yourself getting jealous, remember that whatever a third party may want, it takes two to tango. If HE wouldn't cheat on you, HE won't cheat on you, regardless of what some other girl may want.
Force yourself to trust him. When you have bad/distrusting thoughts, just stop yourself from acting on them. Eventually, you will train yourself enough that you won't have to stop yourself consciously anymore.
As for the rest, it just depends on how he feels about it. What is "abusive" in one relationship may be perfectly fine in another. For example, my fiance frequently tells me that he wouldn't know what to do without me and that he would probably be a drunk or kill himself if I weren't with him. I find it flattering. I'm not afraid to leave him, I don't want to for my own reasons. In OUR relationship, it's perfectly fine to say things like that. But in some other relationships (like Nikolita and her ex), it's NOT ok and puts a lot or pressure on the parter.
So just because Cosmos says something doesn't mean diddly-squat. You need to examine your own relationship and see if what you are doing is wrong or too much and change accordingly. Outside people and statistics don't know crap all about YOUR relationship.
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Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 8:17 pm
Pirate Dirge What it sounds more like is that you have an issue with trusting him and that you're feeling a bit desperate to make sure he KNOWS you're there. [You may not like that part, but calling him all the time even though he's supposed to call you really sounds like that is what's going on. You're afraid he'll forget about you.] Some part of you is afraid that if another female propositions him that he'll take it. Actually I call him a lot because when he was dating this other girl, they stopped calling each other and eventually they just considered the relationship over. I don't want that to happen to us, especially since we were going to go out after that happened, but then they got back together. Also, maybe I get jealous because he dumped another girl for me. He liked me when he had a girlfriend. And we were friends. I guess I feel like since that's how our relationship started, it might end the same way his last one did.
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Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 8:21 pm
Kukushka What you need to do is think long and hard. Would HE cheat on you? (Not, would some random third party like him to cheat, but would HE cheat). If you decide that he probably would, this may not be the best relationship and maybe you should consider ending it. BUT, if you decide that no, he probably would not cheat on you, then you need to internalize that. You need to fully realize it. Whenever you feel yourself getting jealous, remember that whatever a third party may want, it takes two to tango. If HE wouldn't cheat on you, HE won't cheat on you, regardless of what some other girl may want. Of course I trust him. However, while I trust he wouldn't cheat on me, I'm still afraid his friend would charm him into falling in love with her, and that he'll dump me for her. Also, he has a history of cheating, even though it was only once and he felt really bad about it. Maybe that's caused a sub-concious fear of him doing it again. But on the other hand, I remember how bad he felt, and I'm sure he learned his lesson the first time around.
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Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 8:57 pm
Pink Snow Blossom Kukushka What you need to do is think long and hard. Would HE cheat on you? (Not, would some random third party like him to cheat, but would HE cheat). If you decide that he probably would, this may not be the best relationship and maybe you should consider ending it. BUT, if you decide that no, he probably would not cheat on you, then you need to internalize that. You need to fully realize it. Whenever you feel yourself getting jealous, remember that whatever a third party may want, it takes two to tango. If HE wouldn't cheat on you, HE won't cheat on you, regardless of what some other girl may want. Of course I trust him. However, while I trust he wouldn't cheat on me, I'm still afraid his friend would charm him into falling in love with her, and that he'll dump me for her. I hate to break it to you, but that's not trusting him. If you DID trust him, as you say you do, then you would trust him to resist any advances from this friend of his, and that he would stay true to you. That's what trust is. I had this problem with a former friend of mine and his possessive girlfriend who had MASSIVE trust issues. A bunch of us stopped being friends with him because his girlfriend had this huge grudge against one of my friends (who was his friend too) for NO reason, and wouldn't stop being a b***h about it. She consistently thought that my friend was going to steal her boyfriend (our friend) away, just because one of her ex-bf's had cheated on her with one of her friends, and so she had a hard time trusting people after that. A better example of trust: I know my boyfriend is male, and human, so it is therefore normal for him to look at other women. Yeah it makes me jealous, and I don't really like it, but I trust him because I know he loves me, just as I love him. And at the end of the night, he comes home to me. He loves me and respects me enough not to cheat on me behind my back, and that right there is enough to earn my complete trust and faith in him. -------- To answer your other question, no I don't think you're abusive. However, I can speak from experience that jealousy and trust issues can really split up a once-loving relationship. Being controlling can lead to mistrust and waryness of the other person, and that really sucks. So be careful. If you're jealous or uneasy with him being friends with these other girls, then tell him so and explain why. You don't have a right to control who he is friends with, but as your boyfriend he has a right to know if something is wrong. At least the very least, once you tell him, he'll know what you told us, and maybe then he'll stop being friends with the other girls.
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Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 9:15 pm
Yeah, Nikolita beat me to saying that's not actually trust then: you don't trust him not to fall for someone else.
She also said some things that make a lot of sense and fall into my personal philosophies on human nature and relationships. People can't help how they feel or if they're attracted to someone else--even we old married people will do that from time to time-- HOWEVER, he's completely in control of how he acts and that's where the trust comes in. You have to trust that even if he sees someone else and likes them, that he isn't going to make the choice to pursue them and instead stay with you. Because he doesn't have to act on attraction.
My husband was in Iraq for a year and had female friends over there and even admitted that he found a few people attractive but you know what he did? Didn't pursue the relationship so that it could cause deeper feelings to grow and therefore was never tempted to cheat. Because everytime he made a conscious choice that our relationship was worth too much to risk just become some other woman was cute. So he'd spend as little time with them as possible and before he knew it, the crush would be gone. And even when he told me about it, I didn't get upset, but I would feel little twinges of jealousy because that's natural, but because I fully trust him, I knew I didn't have to worry, even though he was thousands of miles away and I couldn't call him or check up on him. That's where the trust comes in. You know they aren't going to make the choice to leave you.
sweatdrop Sorry, got on my soapbox there, but I thought I'd give another RL example of what it means to actually trust another person.
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Posted: Wed Feb 01, 2006 8:43 pm
Darn. you guys beat me to what I was gonna say.
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Posted: Sat Jun 17, 2006 7:48 am
Okay, you can move this thread now that we've broken up. He dumped me after he turned abusive and I refused to let him oush me around >_>
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