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should prolly be a confession now that i think about it, but i'm already here, so i'm gonna spill it.

have you guys ever watched one of those sitcoms where a couple is constantly on and off because one (or both) are retarded and they keep having completely senseless and annoying fights? well... welcome to my life. i don't feel like being nice and giving you guys the condensed version, because i want this to be fully understood for the weird star-crossed relationship it is.

it started in the eighth grade when i fell hard for one of my best friends. skip to the day i finally had the balls to ask her out. i planned it perfectly. i was going to ask her after school. as i waited at lunch, some douche bag asked her out. skip to three days later of me still trying to hold myself together, watching her and some guy that i totally hate make out. skip to me putting up with it cuz she was still a good friend.

they broke up after 3 months. skip to ninth grade when i got hope for her again. until she started seeing someone else. then see me dating some girl that i'm somewhat fascinated with but could never love as much. we lasted about 3 months as well. but it wasn't what i wanted.

skip to last year. beginning of january, and i asked out of spontaneity. skip to us as the sadie hawkins dance, me having me first amazing make out of my life in a sea of utter ecstasy despite the clear opposition of other couples around us. skip to about a month later when my jokes stopped being as funny. when her smile started to fade. when i tried to help her but she wouldn't let me. let another month of this pass; her in constant depression with me completely unable to help. her not wanting me help. her frustration at me trying to help. her bailing on dates.

skip to april when i "broke her heart." i just didn't think i was good enough. if i couldn't help her or make her smile, what was the point?

skip to september. homecoming dance at my school. i asked her to go. she said yes. she had just broken up with yet another girl and was willing to go back to me in a heart beat. skip to me not getting her student pass (she changed high schools this year, but she still lives in town) in time and her not being able to go. i invited her to the movies instead. she didn't go and i watched one with a friend. still a good night. but we broke up again after that.

skip to a couple weeks ago. she started dating someone i totally hate. i mean ALL OF HER BEST FRIENDS HATE HER and i know that shouldn't have an effect on the relationship, but let me try to describe this chick. topics of discussion with her: i love you, i love hollywood undead, i love gta. that's about it. this chick obsesses over everyone she likes (including me, who she saw twice in her entire life...) this chick is possessive as hell, meaning that even seeing my ex as a friend would be a sin. she's also a huge step down look-wise, making me feel really really low. not that looks matter much, but come on! i'm allowed to be jealous of this chick who looks like casper's fat uncle for getting my girl!

ok, now get to me being serious again. this chick isn't helping my girl. all she does is enable her. my ex cuts herself and has attempted suicide. this chick isn't even funny; she can't even make her smile like i could for at least a few months and the years of our friendship! this chick just holds her hand and kisses her, telling her it's ok to cause bodily harm to yourself as long as you can survive, happy or not! what the hell? and... i just wish i was with my ex again. my ex has this thing, too, where she dates just about anyone who asks her out. no, this is not the jealous teenage girl saying this. this is me being serious still. my ex says yes to people with the philosophy that, "you don't know whether or not you like someone until you date them." which is kinda another reason i broke up. i simply thought she didn't like me. guess i was wrong... anyways.

i wanna get her away from this girl. i wanna get her back with me. which i know may be impossible, because life is not a sitcom. i just want her to be happy, but this girl really is keeping her in her cycles of depression; she isn't happy. but she never breaks up, either. i dunno what to do. all i know is i come onto this site, read her journal because she never answers her phone and is never online at the same time as me. all i know is i lost a girl and i'm still torn up.

you never get over your first love, i guess. sorry this was so long. i wouldn't blame you guys for not reading. my best friend is grounded, though, and i needed to get this off my chest.

i'm concerned with the cutting and teh attitude that its all right as long as you survive.