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Posted: Mon Dec 20, 2010 9:31 pm
Well, i want to be a writer, so this is a story I am writing now. (If ANY of you take this story, that will be the LAST thing you do. Other than that, enjoy biggrin )
CHAPTER ONE
Faylana peered out from behind her sturdy oak leaf, scared to Venture out of it for the first time. Faylana was an Oak Heit, and had the tendency to be timid, though strong. Her brown hair, straight as the oak tree she was born in, that was always tied back in a braid was wet from the morning dew that had fallen a few moments before. Her Autumn frock was wrinkled all around, and she had forgotten her bark belt to tie it secure. She was not ready to Venture at all. She was about to turn around to go back inside when her mother appeared in front of her, waving a broom and screeching at the top of her lungs. “Oh no you don’t, little Sproutling. You are going to march yourself out in to the sunlight even if I have to drag you out.” Her mother said firmly as she held her broom in a threatening manner. Faylana sighed and started back outside. She tentatively stepped out, and shielded her eyes against the sunshine, her nervousness transforming into joy. Though, before she could step so her whole body was bathed in warmth, her two twin brothers, Edgarn and Gunthi, bowled past her, and jumped into a pile of pollen that had been left out by a lazy honeybee. Edgarn and Tunthi had Ventured 3 Autumns ago, and they hadn’t let her forget that. She rolled her eyes at her brothers and wiped the pollen they had disturbed off her nut shell boots. She was about to go back inside when her mother marched out and thrust a basket in her hands. “Since you are able to Venture now, go and make yourself useful. We need more grass and acorns.” She said sharply to Faylana, and turned to the boys. “And you may go and pick berries.” She added and gave each of them a bucket, too. Faylana sighed, though she knew she couldn’t be heard, and set off on the most direct path to the Greenness that separates the Oak Heits from the Redwood Heits. There, all the grass a Shopi could need will be found, and if there had been many squirrels, acorns can be found, too. She parted some stalks of long grass stems and started through the towering shapes, green light filtering through the opaque plants. Picking promising looking shoots, she almost ran into a tall creature, her basket littering what stalks she had managed to collect. She looked up from the ground at the person who had rammed her down. He was tall, that was for sure, about 3 inches. He had red hair and brown eyes. And he wore the brownish red clothing of a Redwood Heit. She stood up hastily, not wanting to be seen with this kind of Heit. A Pine Heit might be fine, but a Redwood Heit had a nasty reputation among the Oaks’. They were, as one elder had put it, ‘Rude and snotty. And thieves, oh yes, thieves.’ Faylana almost shuddered at the thought of being with one. “So sorry, young gel.” The stranger said as he tipped his hat. He looked at the debris he had caused and quickly went to work picking it up. As he handed Faylana the basket, now replenished, she nodded and turned away, going somewhere where he was not. “Come now, is that how Oaks thank people?” he asked angrily as she walked away. She turned around, seared by the comment he had made. She dug a leaf out of one of her pockets, and a darkened bit of bark out of another one. Writing as fast as she could, she showed the man her note: Sorry, thank you sir. She shoved her leaf and pencil back in her pocket and heaved the basket back up. The man smacked his head. “Aye, you can’t speak. Aye, I’m such a buffoon. Never got your name there, gel.” He winked. Faylana. I must be going. She scribbled then hurried off, not even listening for his name. She burst through the leaves, only half a basket full, and no acorns.
Faylana almost slept through the whole lecture she got from her mother. “Faylana, I trust you with a simple thing. Grass and acorns, that’s all. And what do I get? A basket half filled with puny grass saplings. You know, I raised you better….” Faylana had dozed off around then, and awoke at about the time she had started talking about how ‘Father used his hard work to obtain the leaf we live in, clothes is the least we can do for him.’ Edgar and Gunthi had appeared then. “Ya, Faylana, we are very disappointed with you.” Gunthi waved a finger at her and tsked. Faylana suddenly remembered the guy she had met in the Greenness. I met a Redwood. Faylana enjoyed it when silence met her comment. She walked past her mother and siblings and made her way to her Father’s room. There he was, sleeping in his over-sized leaf bed, his head lost in the cushiony pillows. She walked quietly to his bedside, and tickled his nose with a shredded leaf. Cindrin Binte awoke with a hearty laugh and wrapped Faylana in a bear hug. “Oh, my little Sproutling, don’t you know it’s not rude to awaken the elderly?” he whispered into her ear, a feat that always amazed her, seeing as Father rarely ever stopped shouting. He held her at arm’s length and observed her, feigning shock. “When will you stop growing? You’re almost as tall as a Redwood Heit.” He boomed, repeating the phrase he has told her since she was only 3 Autumns old. That was 12 Autumns ago, and it still never got old. Faylana laid her head down in his lap, not wanting to tell him she had conversed with a Redwood. The truth was, the Oak, Redwoods, Palm, and Maple Heits were at war. The Redwoods and the Oaks were the most hostile with each other. If Father found out she had been with one, he would surely explode. She slumped and wrote slowly. Father, I met a Redwood. She showed her leaf to him timidly. The room suddenly felt colder. She sneaked a glance at Father, and was surprised at what she saw. His face was of shock, but it wasn’t purple, which is a good sign. His eyebrows were unseen, lost up at the brow of his hair. And his mouth was moving up and down, words that no one could here exiting his mouth. Father? Her father sighed, and set his head down in his hand. “Honey, I want you to stay in the storage rooms from now on. No more trips for supplies.” He said, worry obvious in his voice. Faylana nodded and walked out of the room, now all joy of seeing her father gone. She walked out of her leaf, and tramped to the tall oak tree that towered over her head. She started to shake, overawed by the expanse of the tree, though she still continued. Mrs. Winfrow was bustling past her, her arms full of baskets and her face almost red with the strain of carrying the items. Some acorns dropped out of her pile and she hadn’t noticed. Faylana stooped down and placed the acorns back in her arms. “Thank you, darling.” She said to Faylana in her thick, Scottish accent. Faylana nodded and continued on her way. As she entered through the oaken doors, she was overwhelmed by the busyness in the lobby of the tree. She swiftly ducked under the arms of some tall men and finally made it to the cellar doors. She pushed open the doors to reveal a dark, cool room. Sighing, she stepped through into the damp room and followed a flight of stairs, careful to keep to the right wall so as not to get lost. Finally she saw a crack of light at the end of the stairs. She saw the door a second later. She pushed the door ajar and stepped quietly into the cellars. The cellar weren’t nearly as busy as the lobby, only about three Shopi were there, but she immediately noticed her best friend since birth was there. Sunseria Ulrther was carrying heavy looking baskets filled to the brim with grass juice, trudging as though her life had no more meaning. She had reached the door labeled Grass Water and was having trouble trying to use her hand to open it. Faylana crossed the room with 5 steps and opened the door for Sunseria. Sunseria was so surprised to see Faylana that she almost dropped the baskets. “Faylana! I didn’t know you worked in the storeroom now!” Her plump face was spread into one of her signature smiles, and she wasn’t trudging anymore as she widened the opening of the door. Faylana was about to disagree with Sunseria about working in the storeroom, before she realized that, she did work in the storeroom now. Sighing, Faylana took half of the bundles from Sunseria and trudged to the main storing barrel. About 50 circlings ago, Faylana’s grandfather and a few other men of the Oaks were trekking through the Greenness and had almost seriously injured themselves as they ran into a peach pit. It seemed that a squirrel had found a peach by where the Fruit Heits live, and it had left the peach pit in the Greenness for a couple of Oak Heits to stumble over, literally. So, they had made use of it, and turned it into the main grass water storage barrel. Faylana walked slowly up the stairs that led to the opening in the barrel and dumped her juice into the barrel. After Sunseria had dumped her juice, Faylana heaved a bucket of water out of the well that was placed in the corner of the large room. She tipped that bucket in, and added another. Taking the large, rounded stick next to the barrel, she stirred up the mixture until it was nothing more than grass water. Sunseria dusted her hands off, and smiled. “One mixture done, 3 more to go.” She said as she started to leave through the door. Faylana looked confused as she followed loyally. What do we have to do now? Faylana wrote as Sunseria started to heave grass sacks onto her back.
(Feedback!)
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Posted: Tue Dec 28, 2010 5:42 pm
I'm always happy to give feedback. Upfront though, how tough is your skin? I'm really good at taking criticism, so I can take my comments pretty blunt and lots at once, but I don't want to overwhelm you with stuff.
For now I'll just mention one thing that might help you in multiple spots and in creating characters in general: think hard about modivations. Put yourself into each character. If you were her father, what would make you send her to the storerooms instead of letting her go outside again? Why was her mother so determined to send her out in the first place? Why was she scared to go? At least know all of these really well in your own mind, so that they'll bleed through into your writing. Basically, be an actor/RPer as well as a writer to give yourself a chance to flesh out each and every character completely. Then just pick and choose the parts you put on paper.
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