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 Posted: Tue Dec 14, 2010 11:39 pm
To begin with, all the bossing around Tui received from his new packmates had been a relief. Showing up with his mind in shambles, the rigorous order of his days had kept him anchored through a terrifying change of lifestyle. Covered in grit, however, and mucking about trying to find a specific type of flower to bring home to some bored, inspired sister, being so irrefutably low on the totem pole had rounded the bend from comforting to a lightly humiliating sort of drudgery. It might be different if he were good at any of the things required of him, he thought, snuffling doubtfully at the breeze, but even as a peon he was still just scratching by.
Work? he was supposed to work? the idea was incomprehensible. Even for Iosef, who was wedded to his duties, who found such calm and comfort in his work, the idea of doing anything today was completely beyond him. Just a few hours earlier, he had learned something mindblowing, earth-shattering, life altering. His entire world had just been turned upside down, and now the sisters expected him to work, as though nothing had changed, as though the world hadn't been rocked off its axis and spun away into space. For the first time in his life, Iosef was careless in his duties, and found himself resenting it every moment as he went through his daily chores, his thoughts elsewhere. In truth, he didn't even really know what he was doing, or where he was. or, come to that, who was nearby.
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Posted: Tue Dec 14, 2010 11:40 pm
That smell on the breeze - Tui had to swallow to keep his heart from leaping out of him. No matter how much time they had spent together, Iosef's presence never failed to provoke him into a barely-supressed panic, and he ducked his head and exhaled sharply, trying to work through it and get to the good part. Any time spent alone with Iosef was incredibly, incredibly precious to him. Tottering forward, tracking that delirious scent streaming out from ahead, Tui spotted his only friend, puttering around out in the territory with an unusual look of preoccupation on his pretty face. "Iosef," he woofed, his ears tilted forward and tail waving in a self-conscious show of eagerness
Iosef's ear flicked as he heard a voice; it called to him from far away, like a dream, and it took him a long while to recognize where it was originating. Oh, s**t. He wasn't ready for this. His blood ran cold and his heart stopped for a moment and his world, already spinning out of control, came crashing down around him. He'd forgotten about Tui. In all of the chaos, in all of the tumult, he had forgotten the one wolf that had been important before all this.
He was going to pay for that now.
Resisting the urge to run, the calico wolf froze in place, looking a little terrified as he glanced back at the other. He put on a trying-too-hard smile. "Hi."
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Posted: Tue Dec 14, 2010 11:41 pm
Something in Tui gave a little flinch of nervousness as it registered the look in Iosef's eye. His tail faltered, and he stood where he was for longer than was necessary, at a loss as to what Iosef's demeanor - awkward, but a new kind of awkward - could possibly mean. He blinked hard and tried to set himself into some kind of motion, padding closer on his gawky legs, his eyes transparently, intensely worried, and trained on Iosef. "I was surprised to find you out here," he mumbled, his exhileration quickly transmogrifying into mortification.
"Yeah," he said, and looked away, unable to stand the look in those eyes, unable to think of anything to say. This was too much. too big. An insurmountable task. He stared at his paws and tried to think of a way to broach the topic. "I told Seraphin about us," he said, and half choked on an inappropriate giggle.
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Posted: Tue Dec 14, 2010 11:42 pm
Tui seemed to have a problem deciding where to put his front paws for a few seconds. He looked up, saucer-eyed, at Iosef. "Okay."
Okay? Okay was not okay. He was in no place to carry a conversation like this all on his own! "...well. she kind of knew, already. but she didn't mind." he said, and then, because none of it made any sense, he just kept going, stream-of-consciousness, oblivious to whether anyone else was nearby that might be eavesdropping. "She said I can do whatever I want, with whomever, and she won't think less of me." Well, a male whomever. She really seemed bothered by his reminiscing about his last mistress, and that confused him. "Except she still wants me to be her, um, consort."
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Posted: Tue Dec 14, 2010 11:45 pm
Swallowing proved difficult without the aid of saliva. "Um...well, that's good." His voiced had winnowed down to a whisper; he couldn't hear himself over the rush of blood pounding in his ears. He had no idea what was making Iosef so strange, and he seemed to be helpless to follow his words along with increasing dread.
He started digging, then. It seemed like the thing to do. He wasn't sure if that's what his job was, but he desperately wanted something to do with his paws. Maybe he was digging himself a hole to bury himself in. Whatever the reason, it kept his eyes away from Tui and his paws busy. "Yeah," he said, and found himself unable to say something for a good long while, until at length he collapsed face-first into the hole he was working on and choked on a sob.
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Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 1:21 pm
Tui stood a little distance from Iosef and his sudden flurry of action, feeling physically sick and not even aware that no specific stimulus had triggered this sudden onset of despair. He just knew what bad ends felt like, and that look in his lover's eye felt portentious.
It wasn't exactly unexpected, then, to see Iosef do what Tui was thinking of doing anyway, but it did sort of require that he come to help instead of fall apart alongside him. He stared tremulously into the raw ditch Iosef had scratched into the dirt, trying and failing to see what had caused this reaction. He meant to ask, "what happened?", but it managed to come out, "I'm sorry," quiet and thick with shame.
"You're sorry?" he blinked, his eyes clouded over with tears. He yearned toward the other, desperate for touch, for contact, for affection -- but he couldn't. Not now. not knowing..."Don't be sorry, Tui. I...you didn't..." He had to find words. he had to find words, so that Tui didn't think this was all his fault. "....Tui, Seraphin is....I'm going to be a father."
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Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 1:22 pm
He followed Iosef's words along, unsure of whether to allow himself any comfort in the placating they were intended to do, and arrived at their conclusion at a loss. Fatherhood he did not have scripts for. But that look in Iosef's eye. He bowed his head, feeling his eyes sting, feeling his mouth start to pull uncontrollably taut. Something going on in there was clearly beginning to unravel, but his desire to please for the moment still trumped his hysteria. "Okay."
Okay? Okay?! What kind of response was that? How could Tui possibly think that any of this was okay? This was...a thousand other things. For the first time, ever, Iosef found himself angry at the other wolf, and he bared his teeth at him, ears flattened to his skull, violet eyes as slits. For a second, there was something truly fierce that flashed through him; something that proved that he was Varia's blood-kin. But then it was gone, and he deflated and let out a miserable sort of wail. "It's what I've always wanted."
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Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 1:23 pm
This news seemed to knock the wind out of Tui; he let out a huff of air and sat almost audibly buzzing with misery, aware but unable to control how selfishly he was handling this change of situation. The tears had started up, and he nodded silently, unable to speak without giving away that his breath was hitching.
"I..." This wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that Iosef always had to be the strong one. He was strong for Seraphin, by hiding who he was, by hiding how damaged he was. And he was strong for Tui, because somebody had to be. This wasn't fair dammit! He was too weak to be strong all the time. That's why he was a slave, because he was weak. he wouldn't be getting into these stupid situations if he were strong. So why did he have to keep pretending?
"I don't want to leave you. You've taught me so much. Shown me....so much." The tears dried in his eyes, because he had to be strong. Always. "But...puppies, Tui."
Sorry, lover. You just can't compete.
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Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 1:24 pm
He was in no way above begging, but even in the midst of whipping up a cyclone of despair, he heard the hardening resolve in Iosef's voice; he knew there was nothing he could summon that would make the choice any less clear. That thought took a certain edge off of his grief - there's not a lot to do but relax when you've been thorougly defeated - and he turned his face away from Iosef, his buzzing brain wondering dimly what he was supposed to do. He stumbled back to his feet, unable to stop himself from looking again - he'd known right from the start that his every minute with Iosef had just been borrowed time. It seemed unbearable to just walk away, but more unbearable to stand there being worth less than puppies, so he began to creep desolately away, every inch as falling-apart and pitiful as the day they met.
Iosef forced himself to his paws, watching helplessly as Tui left him behind. It was the right thing, he thought. There was no other choice. Nothing else he could do. He needed to be a good father. He needed to be a strong....goddammit, there it was again. Needing to be strong. Always.
"Tui!" he called, before he realized he was speaking, the word tearing itself from his throat. This was insane. Irrational. Stupid and self-destructive and he was a smarter wolf than all this.
But...he had been abandoned before. He stared after Tui's retreating body and thought of Varia, and a time she almost had loved him. Thought of Terreis and the way she had left him...and...left them to die...and it was his fault, always his fault, people always left because of him.
"Tui!" He cried, desperately, not even sure why he was bothering as, after all, this had all been his idea in the first place, every last bit of it. Maybe he just had to rub the wound just a little bit more.
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Posted: Tue Jan 04, 2011 7:51 pm
Iosef's voice struck him so unexpectedly that he could hardly tell it wasn't a physical blow. He paused, without turning, and put a great struggle into deadening the expression of anguish in which his face had frozen. "I don't know what to do," he mouthed in desperation, and, quivering, turned to look back.
What was that look he was getting? Iosef looked somehow desperate, but that didn't make sense. With less proximity, Tui could already see it: he had been a bad choice that Iosef made, and the little wolf was too smart not to correct himself and steer his life where he really wanted it to go. And he could see himself fluttering away from that life like so much snipped paper. Wordless and hopeless, he stared Iosef down with those pale, empty eyes, and waited for a parting blow.
"Tui..." he whimpered, desperately. He took a step forward, then stopped, and stepped back, and fell to his haunches with a thoroughly defeated look. There was no way they could make this work, he realized. No way any of this was anymore than a dream. Closing his eyes, tucking his chin against his chest, unable to look the other wolf in the face when he spoke, he let out a long, slow breath. Always the stronger one. Always doing what was right, for everyone. "...Be safe, out there."
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