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Snowfield (poem looking for critique)

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Mizuki Kanashimi

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 12, 2010 5:00 am


If
I were to die
In a field of snow
What would I see?
Would it be white
Like a blank piece of paper
Or many colors
Like the dawn
And the twilight?
If snow
Was all around me
As I breathed my last
What would I feel?
Regret
For what I could not do?
Peace
For what I could?
Sorrow
For leaving behind
The ones I love?
Or would
I simply
Slip away
In a field
Of snow?
Even among
So much doubt
So many questions
So many wonderings
I know
One thing
For sure.
If
I were to die
In a field of snow
I would see
As everything
Around me
Went from white to black
Your faces
The faces
Of my friends
My family
Of all of you
Who read my words.
And when
I see your smiles
I will truly
Be at peace
If
I were to die
In a field of snow.
PostPosted: Mon Jan 03, 2011 5:13 pm


This belongs in the poetry forum

But, I liked it. It was simple, clean, and nice. Only thing I'd suggest is to break it up into stanzas for better readability, and to add meaning.

Selenocht

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 24, 2011 5:15 am


This poem really spoke to me. I think its a great poem, and I would love to hear it performed. I disagree with Selenocht about your stanzas. I think they are great the way they are, and if you break them up it will lack meaning and understanding. Keep up the good work smile .
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Poetry

 
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