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Rio diGennaio

Greedy Raider

PostPosted: Thu Dec 09, 2010 2:38 pm


Just a little prequel to one of my comics.

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There was once a prince who had a collection of snakes.


An Egyptian prince overwhelming in beauty.


He had strong upper arms and a strong back with beautiful, slender hands and neck.


His periwinkle eyes matched with his warm cinnamon hair.


His eyes were cold, however. Matching those belonging to a snake.


You see, the prince was born in the Year of the Snake.


After Cleopatra’s death, all Snakes were viewed as wretches.


How he envied the Dog…!


The Guardians of the Underworld.


Since he was the child born a Snake—the only child born a Snake in his year—he was hated by everyone, even the slaves.


Meanwhile, his elder brother—a Dog—was highly revered.


Waqir got everything Karim ever wanted—gold, harems, statues, slaves, jewelry..


While Karim got nothing but an empty room in the darkest part of the pyramid.


But something befell Waqir.


While out on a hunt for new water, Waqir was struck down by coyotes and, hours later, snakes.


With Waqir had came his two superiors, and the trio and their horses were all maimed by the coyotes and snakes.


Next in line, Karim became the new heir to Rais, the king and their father.


Because Coyotes were the main reason for the deaths—Snakes now respected, and feared—the Dogs were put to shame just as the Snakes had, who were now the main rulers.


Despite his new rules, Karim asked for gold and nothing more. HE showed great respect and shame in this. Yet, he didn’t want to show weakness, even though the nobles disagreed with his beliefs.


“He is too young!” cried the nobles.


“He is too dumb!” declared the nobles.


“He is too weak!” shouted the nobles.


With all the criticism, Karim could only confide with his pets.


Like all Snakes were believed to be in his life, Karim could feel no love, no compassion, for even his family.


“What is ‘family’?” he would ask his snakes.


They only hissed in response, giving him no answer. He stopped wondering about it.


Two days before his induction to the throne, Karim gazed out the large window overlooking the gardens below, taking some time off.


His eyes caught onto a strange sight: dark, wavy patterns in the greenery.


He could only stare in shock. The waves moved in a gentle flowing motion, the blue shining in the sun.


He watched for minutes just captivated by it. Then it moved.


A young woman, mature and elegant, emerged from the great leaves. She wore her long hair up—a characteristic of women not yet taken and of children. She wore gold jewelry, signifying wealth, and her make-up was done in a mystifying fashion. Her clothing was of silk and gold and silver chain. She was like a goddess, a mystical goddess, her clothes blues, gold, and lavender. She was like a raven in the moonlight, her eyes a deep cooling blue and her skin a pale, pale tan—almost equal to the moon. Her lips were a pink-lavender tint equaling in beauty, and her figure was slender and tall. Her legs and shoulders were muscular, but not too much. Her hands were gorgeous, her fingers looking like they had been molded gracefully from stone. Around her neck was a gold and emerald necklace specked with rubies on the collar. There were faint, faint marks of a peach shade around her neck.


Karim was awestruck. Who was this woman who rivaled the very beauty and grace of night itself?


“Who is that woman?” asked he of one of his advisors.


“That would be the child of the Mystic Wolf tribe,” answered the advisor.


“Tell me more,” demanded Karim.


“She is one born under the eclipsed moon, raised of the Mystic Wolf tribe. She is the symbol of the Mystic Wolf Tribe. She has been cut off from the world, found and raised to be with your brother Waqir, yet she declined, ripping off her binding engagement necklaces in rebellion.”


That would explain the faded red marks around her neck. But to break gold…!


“She has been disowned afterwards. Now she has been exiled to imprisonment in the treasure room, treated as a priceless gem, even though she has shamed her lineage.”


“I wish to meet her,” ordered Karim.


“We need consent,” argued the advisor.


“I wish to meet her now!” screamed Karim, darting down towards the garden.


He ran down the halls, fought with the guards, managing to get to the entrance to the gardens.


Exhausted from evading guards and doing his best to get there before she left, Karim was compelled to see, to hear, to feel this wolf woman he only saw once and from a distance.


He ran, his legs feeling like the hardest stone.


Where was she? The immense gardens went on for miles in a maze.


He ran aimlessly, seeking for the woman who fell him so greatly. He turned, he waited, he guessed. All in search of her.


He had to stop. His breath was exasperated. He tried to take a step forward.


Without a sound, she appeared before him, stepping out of a path extending in front of him, her bare feet almost floating upon the golden-brown dirt.


He was gasping, struck again by how brilliantly she shone in the sunlight hitting her moonlight skin.


He was at a loss for words. He could only breathe in her presence.


The way she stared at him, it was like she had been watching him the entire time.


“Rana,” was all he could say to her, and all that ran in his mind.


She gave no response.


After a while, she knelt onto her knees and bowed.


“Oh, Snake, ruler of all Egypt,” she chanted, “I bow before you surrendering my defenses to you. I rebel against slavery and I rebel against fate. I take it into my own hands, and you are the only one to judge. Please, exhaust my destiny bestowed upon me by the almighty Goddess, Iris, savior of all life and slave to no one.”


“You ask of me…to kill you?” Karim was astonished.


“Ever since I saw you only some little suns ago, I destined myself to be at your mercy when I decided my time of fate. That time is now.”


Her slender fingers grasped over something clothed—a blade, intricately carved with grape vines. She extended it towards Karim.


“End my life with the Dagger of Iris,” implied her.


“You…stole this?”


“I am housed in the treasure room. I am entitled to some of my share.”


“Stealing from the Royal Family…such a thing is—”


“Entitled to execution. Exactly.” She continued to hold out the blade.


He was quiet; he crouched down to meet her height. His hands held the hands that held the stolen sacred blade.


He earnestly stared into her eyes and saw they were dark, deep, like a great indigo spiral.


“I wish not or your death,” said he to her honestly. “My wish…is for you to be with me.”


She gave no reaction. She only looked in disbelief, her eyes glinting with the sunlight like sapphires. Her smooth lips parted slightly, as if she were to say something.


Karim knew he had won, and he stood, bringing her up with him. He took the blade out of her hand without a fight.


He had captured the one thing Waqir could not, the one thing that rebelled against the fate Iris had set for them.


Holding her cool hand felt like she was fragile, and he was careful not to pull too harshly.


He led her to the exit of the gardens, (he had excellent sense of direction) and into the throne chamber. From there, he led her to the bed chamber conjoined to it.


Once inside, he let go of her hand. She sat on the large, plum-colored bed, her hand running over the silk sheets. Her expression was pleased.


“Do you prefer this over the treasure chamber?” asked he to her.


“Yes,” she said in a faint, warm smile. “In fact, I have been there so long, I have grown tired of seeing jewels.”


“You mean you have renounced your emotion of greed?” Karim was shocked. Never before had he met such a person—more or less a woman! She kept surprising him over and over.


“In a sense,” replied she in her whimsical voice. The tips of her fingers traced the outline of the bedsheets.


“This shall be your new living quarters,” told Karim to Rana.


She tilted her head.


“Does this mean…I am yours?” inquired her.


He was silent for a while, then said, “Yes.”


She gave no reaction, and then her lips turned up into a faint smile that reached her eyes.


Karim, on the other hand, did not; his expression remained cold even when he gave her an answer.


He had never experienced love before, given or taken, like her, especially towards those with a love other than that of a family or friendship bond.


She was rare to him, one-of-a-kind. He didn’t want anyone else to see her, to witness her beauty , to see that of wolf blood.


Involuntarily, he reached out his hand and brushed the side of her cheek, drawing her attention away from the sheets to him—just what he wanted.


He let his hand drop and went over to a golden bowl on the table next to the bed. He carried it over to her—inside was a rag and water. He knelt down and brushed her face with the rag, erasing her makeup. It came off with ease. She closed her eyes when the cool rag hit her porcelain skin.


“What is ‘family’?” spoke Karim, still wiping gently away on her face.


“’Family’?” repeated Rana.


“Yes. What is it? What does it mean?”


She was silent for a moment, then, “Family is considered those you feel close to you, those you trust.”


“Does being related by blood mean you are family?”


“…No. Related by blood is only a meaningless factor considered to being related by bond.”


Karim took her words into recognition.


All the makeup was now removed. Her pale rose lips were of natural color.


He unlocked her gold and sapphire hair band, and the jeweled necklace that lay loosely on her shoulders.


Her dark hair fell in waves resembling a dark waterfall. Her beauty was revealed, but he knew he would not see her true form until nightfall under the moon.


“Reside here until I return,” told he to her, standing straight and setting the bowl back upon the table. He left, and she stayed on the bed staring at the door.


Could a Snake love a Dog?


They had been on opposite ends for years, for ages.


No. She wasn’t a mere Dog.


She was a Wolf, and elegant wolf, one-of-a-kind, a brilliant sapphire Wolf of the highest pedigree.


She had captured him in her trance, and now was ready to strike.


Could this Snake possible tame this Wolf? they both thought as the sun set in a crimson blaze beyond the desert sand.


As Karim went to claim her when the top of the sun only remained, he learned she had left moments before.


Angered and anxious, he gave chase. He could only think of one place: the gardens.


Again, he had to run blindly through the green pasture of vines and leaves, worried and curious.


He reached the great stone wall that separated the whole pyramid from the outside desert.


Using all his strength, he jumped and caught onto the stone like a spider. He managed his way up and over. When he landed onto the soft, grainy, cold bottom, he saw a glitter.


A radiant blue shine that enveloped a slender, sleek figure.


It was Rana. Her form had changed: her ears were now furry and pointed upwards, and a long, bushy black tail matching the shade of her hair swiveled out from the hem of her skirt. Her skin was a blue-gray in the bright rays exuding from the full moon.


‘Could a Snake love a Dog?’ heard Karim.


It was Rana, speaking with him through gentle telepathy.


‘Could this Snake possibly tame this Wolf?’ asked Rana, gazing at the moon just hanging above the horizon with a dazed glare.


‘You shouldn’t have come here,’ addressed her to Karim in a grave wave.


What? A warning?


Paws pounded in the distance. Yips and short howls echoed on the breeze.


The Mystic Wolf tribe had come. They arrived in wolf form, surrounding Rana in a protective manner, snarls vibrating in their throats.


A voice spoke in Karim’s mind that was different form Rana’s—the pack leader.


‘You have freed our daughter from her mortal chains, and we are grateful to you for that,’ it spoke, ‘yet you made her stay in your pen like your personal pet. For that, we cannot forgive without the correct justice, just as Waqir experienced.


‘Death would be inappropriate for you, however, so we have judiciated a new conclusion: to exile you to the life of a Dog in a separate world—a new dimension!’


What was this wolf saying? Other dimensions? Improbable—impossible!


A blue light with the fading sound of water surrounded Karim, and his vision became blurred and changing to a sheet of deep sea blue.


Karim had committed a deadly sin when his brother died: covet. He wanted everything his brother had and more, vying for prosperity and power. Even that Waqir couldn’t.


On the day before that would all be accomplished, fate befell him, changing his form into that which he had hated so: a great shaggy dog, existing in a world separate from his own.


While lying in his new form, wet and damp from the salty ocean water, his mind, unchanged, began to unfold.


He had been overtaken with greed after his brother’s passing. After finding something so rare and exquisite that even his brother could not claim, Karim felt elated, and his greed grew tenfold.


Yet…when she had explained to him the meaning of “family”, he thought he felt a new emotion—one of vulnerability, of loneliness, of sadness. He knew the only way to avert these feelings were to be held by one he deeply cared for, by the one he loved.


Yes, loved. He was unfamiliar with the emotion, yet he knew this was what he felt. Love for another person.


It was unlike that of family love, the kind Rana had told him about, that special bond between two people.


Maybe there were other kinds of bonds, bonds beyond that of family.


As he slept unconscious on the soft sand of this new world, the last vision he saw in his home world kept playing over and over, slower each time.


Of the one he loved betraying him and returning to her family. Her pack.


Unlocking her bands and necklace and wiping off her makeup had freed her from the ties the humans had sealed on her, allowing the reunion between her and the pack.


He had unknowingly freed her from her chains in the thought of tying her with his own.


Yet…she had smiled when he had consented to her being his. Or was that for another reason, one connected to the chains of fate wrapped around their ankles and wrists, controlling them like puppets for a higher purpose.


In his faze of anger, he didn’t recall, as he fell into the vortex leading into the unknown, that her face was that of anguish. His eyes had been staring at that face, seeing nothing but a vile, vain woman, when, in fact, she was suffering at her own hand.


New thoughts danced in Karim’s mind. As he lay, unwillingly waiting for someone to come, his heart froze over, betrayed by the one he now knew he loved not out of greed or covetry, but out of his soul. His chains had now been broken only to be replaced by new ones.


The Dog with the eyes of a Snake.
PostPosted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 5:52 pm


I liked the idea of this work. As I read it, there was deffinitely a feel of Egyptian mythology that was most likely because of the wording you used in writing this. Additionally, your attention to detail when it came to the woman was excelent. The more detail you put into describing her slowed down the pace and really made her the center of attention as was proper. Doing that to draw attention to her helped to identify her as the main source of conflict between the brothers and internally to the main character.

My complaint in this work is that it felt a bit rushed, like this was meant to be a longer story written in chapters. One thing I would suggest to fix this is instead of only putting one or two short sentances in a line, work the story into longer paragraphs. In doing this, you will need to seperate the paragraphs by ideas. By having one specific idea for each paragraph, you will in essence force yourself to take the proper time to develope a concept such as the opening of a story, the description of a setting, the motivation behind a character's actions and so on.

Now with that being said, I realize that you said this was a prequel to one of your comics. I realize that means that you will be illustrating this and not have it so much like a novel. However, you will still not want to have such short sentances. Another benefit to doing paragraphs over sentences is that you force yourself to get more sentance variation in your work. The words flow much easier in paragraph form and can then be broken up into sections to accompany an illustration in a comic.

Angles and Dangles
Captain

Dedicated Entrepreneur

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