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Behold, the start of a book I started last week!

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THISisNOTmyACTUALname
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Genius

PostPosted: Mon Nov 29, 2010 12:58 pm


Hi there. Nice to meet you. I'm Jason Reeves, grandson to King Liam (Of course, my father's not a legitimate heir, so that means nothing for me) and a new recruit in the Mercenaries' Guild... Wait, what? What do you mean, 'what's the Mercenaries' Guild'? How could anyone on Artemis not know of- What!? What's Artemis? How... Oh... You're not from here. You're from... Earth? But... The history books say Earth is a dead planet. It still has life? Well... No matter. Humans on Artemis can't get back anyway. Yes, I know. You still want to know what I'm talking about. Let's see if I can fill you in a bit...
Okay, let's start with Artemis itself. I'm sure you know- if your history books read the same as ours- that around the year 2052, Earth had become basically a timebomb, and that humanity was sure 'the end was nigh' and all that. So far, conventional methods of travel such as rockets hadn't yet reached further than two stars out. And so far, that had found nothing inhabitable. So we had to look to a technology that was just recently making any sort of headway. We had to put our efforts into teleportation.
Over the next eight years, we had all our best minds on the project- in other words, anyone who wasn't busy keeping the rest of us alive. It was the greatest technological leap in the history of Earth. They made a machine that could teleport five-hundred people, handpicked to best insure humanity's survival. The strongest bodies and the strongest minds and, of course, everyone involved was tested for fertility. Not much point if you only last a generation or two then dwindle down to nothing because the species can't make kids.
So, anyway, they finished the machine. It didn't rely on preset coordinates- we didn't have any to give it. It analyzed the group locked inside and sent out some kind of sensor to locate a planet capable of supporting life for them. It sent them to Artemis. We figured Earth must have blown up shortly after, since no follow-up group arived. That left us on Artemis, in the year 2060. That was... Let's see... 512 years ago. The first humans to step out of the machine knew immediately that there were a few differences.
To start with, Artemis would be like a moon to your moon. The diameter of the planet measures at somewhere around fifty-two miles, and the entire planet is covered by a gigantic, mechanical, steam-driven city. The designers of the machine are long gone, erased from history by several millenia, so far gone that even the records of the oldest race on Artemis don't remember them. And it's not just a few layers of mech along the surface. There are towers at some points that reach over four miles into the sky, and no one can say how deep the system goes. Explorers have found rooms sealed away for thousands of years as far as seven miles down, and everyone knows there's more still. Only the rock layers the explorers have to dig through confirm that it's not all one big machine. Real plants are a rarity, and the oxygen supply all comes from the machines.
Artemis, predictably, has one sun. It rises in the west and, four hours later, sets in the east. Artemis is a much smaller planet than Earth, from what I've heard, but fortunately it also spins much slower. If the rotations were the same here as they are there, a day would last a minute or so. The only way we can tell seasons here is that on one side of the callender it's ten degrees colder than on the other side.
But you're still waiting to find out about the Mercenaries' Guild, aren't you? Let's see... The Mercenaries' Guild is the 'police' force of Artemis. I've heard what police were back when my people inhabited Earth. This is very different. The Mercenaries are, in a sense, real mercenaries. Citizens of Artemis can go to the Mercenaries' Guild and request the Guild's aid for some task. Less important tasks- easy escorts, finding lost people, etc.- go to new recruits, such as myself, and privates. As the missions become more challenging, the higher the rank required to take them- and, of course, the higher the reward. Every mission goes under the inspection of a Judge to ensure that no one is using a Mercenary's service for unjust causes.
Anyway, that's all you need to know to get started. This is, after all, my story. So, if you'll sit back and pay attention, I'll tell it to you...


Chapter One. Recruit.
I woke up- and hit my head on the ceiling. Why had I chosen top bunk? I rolled over and let my legs hand down, then dropped off the thin bed. This time, I nearly landed on Ket. The young Roc's wings barely pulled back into his cot before my feet hit the ground.
What? Oh, that's right. You wouldn't know about Rocs... Or the other races on Artemis, I'd guess. Rocs are one of the four sentient beings on Artemis. There are also Humans, of course, as well as Elves and Dalgin. Rocs are the race dating furthest back in the planet's history. They're a small people, a taller Roc measuring about five feet. They tend to be lightweight and thin, and they come with a set of wings twice as wide as they are tall. Ket- or Sa'Lin'Ket, Ketrael of the Sanak Linroen- is basically a royal Roc. The Linroen are the Greater Rocs, gold-winged birds who make up the upper class of Rocs. The Sanak are the ruling clan. Ket is the third son of the Saint, Lord Denin, head Roc and Artemis' foremost master of faith. Artemis has the same God that the majority of Earth believed in when my people were last there, and it was quickly discovered that it's much easier to connect with Him here than it was there. It's rare to have one noble in a squad among the Mercenaries, and we have two. I'm the leader. Ket's the healer.
Then there's Antonin, Grunt Squad 2572-D's Elvin mage. And, for a novice, he's pretty good at it. As the squad's leader, I'm required to have skill in strength, faith and magic, but I'm still a bit behind Antonin in that last category. Elves are the second newest race to Artemis, followed only by Humans. They actualy did come from Earth- about 1500 years ago, near the start of the 12th century. I remember seeing an old book from Earth that depicted Elves as little toyshop workers in the north pole, and another that described them as tall, majestic beings. The latter is more accurate, the former being about as right as your left hand. Elves usually stand around six feet tall, which usually makes them seem a bit less well-built than your average human. They have the pointy ears and the curved eyebrows. These make up the majority of Artemis' mages. The high mage of Artemis gets the title of Sage, a title I think Antonin is seriously aiming for.
Finally, there comes Squad 2572-D's brute strength. Kald, who woke up at the sound of Ket almost being crushed when I jumped down, is a Dalgin- the final race on Artemis, and probably the strangest. These are large lizard-men, their bodies covered in scales rather than skin. Their hands include four clawed fingers, and their legs end like that of a dog's with three thick, clawed toes. A Dalgin's hair grows from the back of its head, down along its back, along the back of its arms and the outside of its legs and the top of its tail. They stand around seven feet, weigh around three-hundred pounds, and have a bit of trouble fiting into the beds in the 'grunt' dorms. Dalgin, for some reason, refuse to name their offspring anything that isn't four letters.
PostPosted: Sun Dec 12, 2010 12:23 pm


This is just my opinion but this looks a lot more like a plot summary and not what you actually consider writing for your first chapter. There is too much listing and explanation which could be panned out either before this scene or after. Needless to say this has wonderful potential and the concept is brilliant but I would reconsider how you present that first little section that is aimed at causing tension and attracting attention. Good luck

The Solarised Night

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