This one is better than the haiku one, but still not as good as the one that I said was better than the Human... one. There's still some really cool things in this one, though!

So, I really like what you're talking about and how you do it - so double points for the sweet narrative.

I guess that besides that, it's really not terrible... it's actually pretty good. Maybe it was just the rhyming that turned me off. It was just so... bumpy? I don't know if that makes any sense. It's like:

1: up
2: down
3: up
4: down

and it's like that for all of your stanzas! It was kinda hard to read like that when I had to keep doing the rhyming thing. I don't know if I'm making any sense here, but... I dunno, bumpy is the best word I can come up with to describe it.

Oh! There was one rhyme that I really did like - it was the one with "heaven" then "forgiven". It's almost a slant rhyme, it's so vague, but it works so well! It just sounds so... natural. It's really pretty awesome. That's a keeper, for sure.

Alright, I don't know what else to say about this one, so I'm just gonna stop here.