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Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2010 8:26 pm
Death washes over A premature child And with it goes A mothers heart
Death falls upon A soldier in battle And with him goes A new wifes dreams
Death preys on A teenage girl And with her goes Her fathers sanity
Death stalks Everything And with it comes Eternity
Typos? Likes/dislikes? Improvements?
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Posted: Sat Jan 08, 2011 8:02 am
Oh, man, gothlove, you're letting me down here. It started out so good with the first stanza, but then all the rest were the same?!? I understood the entire poem after just the first stanza, but then I had to read the other ones... what a letdown. That, plus the errors (you forgot to make your possessives...possessive) makes me feel like you should just turn this into a haiku. It would be totally killer that way:
5: death's claw topples o'r 7: tenuous nascent child
5: mother hides her face
Now, I know I didn't include a season word like I should have in REAL haiku, but you know what? I'm American so it doesn't matter :p I guess I ought to since I kept a sort of traditional phrasing, but... eh, whatever.
I guess if I wanted it to be really correct, it would be:
5: winter's claw topples 7: tenuous nascent child
5: mother hides her face
where winter would represent death.
I dunno. I just think that doing something so short like a haiku would really convey your message so much better than repeating yourself. It's not that the message isn't good, it's just... yeah. Repetitive.
Okay, joke's over, I'm going to stop being repetitive about how this is repetitive.
Really.
Okay, I'm done. XD
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