Why did nobody comment on this?

Anyway, I'm really diggin' your funky rhythm - you have all of these super-long syllables and lines everywhere, and then BAM! a three-syllable line. Crazy!

That's definitely working in your favor - it gives me this creepy kind of feeling while I'm reading.



Maybe it's just me, but I couldn't follow you all the way down the path of your song and dance - I totally got a bunch of neat stuff from this poem, but you kept changing what you were talking about! xp

I do like it, but I think you've used a couple of the wrong words - enmities is so off-kilter that it broke my entire concentration. Enmity is cool, but enmities? Way too many vertical lines in one word!

Lackadaisically was nifty - don't get rid of that one. It gave your entire poem a whole keg of character.

Uhhh... nope, that's all I've got. ^.^