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 Posted: Mon Nov 22, 2010 5:36 pm
As the Beatles once sang "...take a sad song and make it better"
This exercise is (my first!) simple: take the provided character profile or a post that is heavily cliched, flat, and screams Mary Sue; then without changing the main parts of that character/post or taking away anything too much to make them better/bearable.
So just fill in the blanks then provide a new sample for us to work on to keep things going.
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Posted: Mon Nov 22, 2010 5:38 pm
Taken from a real RP given I can't really make up something like this unless it was very early in the morning or I'm half awake. Correcting spelling errors are okay! Name: Roselinia (nick name Rose.... NOT ROSY call her that she will kill u or mame u) Gender:female Powers limit 5: to create and take life , control minds and bodies of ppl, can transform into anything, can speak to all animals, can put ppl under a seductive trance Race: unknown Level of skill:10 Looks: when seductive power is engaged  when normal  About: very shy and seductive (can be seductive with out knowing)
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Posted: Mon Nov 22, 2010 5:43 pm
Things bolded are slight changes to the character, basically add ons, things italicized are spelling/grammar changes (includes capitalization) Quote: Name: Roselinia ( Nickname: Rose. Not Rosy, call her that and she will kill or maim you) Gender: Female Powers limit 5: To create and take life, control minds and bodies of people (specifically: with the 'come hither' movement of her fingers she can make someone unconciously walk towards her), can transform into anything to make herself look more attractive to the person she is trying to seduce (ties in with mind control), can speak to all animals, can put people under a seductive trance Race: Succubus Level of skill:10 Looks: when seductive power is engaged: when normal: About: Very shy and seductive, she can be seductive with out knowing it and attracts many people unintentionallyCloud looks shocked. he had never expirianced such kindness. "ummm, (voice gos highpiched) okay... (Lowers it again) okay that would be sexy... i mean generuse of you" he feels like a t**t (if you saw the character profile and picture, you'd scream, maybe mentally, or flinch in horror and anger) ((I hope I did this right))
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Posted: Mon Nov 22, 2010 9:21 pm
Quote: Name: Roselinia ((I doubt that's how it's spelled))( Nickname: Rose. Not Rosy (ROSIE, goddammit!!), call her that and she will kill or maim you) Gender: Female Powers limit 5: To > create and take life<, control minds and bodies of people (specifically: with the 'come hither' movement of her fingers she can make someone unconsciously walk towards her), can transform into anything to make herself look more attractive to the person she is trying to seduce (ties in with mind control), can speak to all animals, > can put people under a seductive trance < Race: Succubus Level of skill:10 Looks: when seductive power is engaged: http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b201/teamptdareaper/Anmie/Pics/mynewestrpgirl.jpgwhen normal: http://i189.photobucket.com/albums/z256/AnimeCuttie44/344.jpgAbout: Very > shy< and seductive, she can be seductive with out knowing it and attracts many people unintentionallyI know It's breaking the rules to take something away but the first thing I put a line through needs to be amended badly, makes this one sound omnipotent, or like they have some kind of deistic ability. Maybe if it was to "drain or transfuse life energy" would make sense Second line can probably be removed. It's just being redundant. Usually mind control and hypnosis don't suggest lucidity in effected targets. Well, that's a power back, if you can logically measure powers to single units like that. I mean if it was just using words to determine powers, someone could call out Invulnerability, indomitable will (Might just tie in with invulnerability), and Kinetic energy manipulation to slip under the radar. Third line. That's a contradiction. Shyness the opposite of seductiveness. The trait actually seems more a contradiction to Succubi as a whole. If she feigned shyness frequently, I might buy it. On that note, being seductive without knowing it is pretty hard. People make a conscious choice to flirt and make advances. Especially when the whole mind control through seduction bit kind of demands a conscious effort to CONTROL someone. It's possible to just simply be alluring, but usually that trait falls flat in RPs. People latch their characters onto whomsoever has a picture they like the best. Whether or not that character is supposed to actually be attractive or even hideous becomes a moot point. Beyond that I'd have to ask a few things. What does the "Level of skill" category entail? Particularly what do the values mean? is it 10/10, is it 10/1000000000, what's the upper limit? For the change to Succubus in general, there are traits up there that could put this "unknown" in the Nymph or Doppelganger species too. Particularly being able to speak with animals is more akin to Nymphs rather than Succubi. Demons aren't exactly well met by animals. I'm assuming this "Seductive power" has some parameters rather than just a change in appearance which also contradicts the whole being able to alter self to look more appealing to a target. I dunno, I don't think this one is completely salvageable. There's too many holes.
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Posted: Mon Nov 22, 2010 10:19 pm
I'd like to point out that you were supposed to edit the Cloud post, not what I editted... in retrospect i could have made it stand out more
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Posted: Tue Nov 23, 2010 12:36 am
Uh Whoops lol Quote: Cloud was shocked. He had never experienced such kindness. "Um okay," he squeaked. His voice had become shrill for a moment then fell back to normal as he calmed down, "Okay that would be sexy," Cloud paused briefly having chosen his words improperly. "I mean generous of you," he stammered, feeling incredibly small. Okay, I broke the rules again but honestly, that post needed so many repairs, that I had to rearrange the words. He didn't know what a t**t was apparently. Come on, CLOUD? Really, he couldn't come up with something else? ANYTHING ELSE? Anyhow... Dig this. Quote: Name: Jack Age: 24 Virus: Light T-Virus Weapons: S&W M29 Personality: Calm, quiet, does what she's told Bio: She was found by Wesker when she was 15. He injected her with the T-Virus. He used her for a few years, keeping her close to make sure she'd do what he told her to. Now she follows him without being told. Pic: 
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Posted: Tue Nov 23, 2010 2:04 am
Phaeton 2 Uh Whoops lol Quote: Cloud was shocked. He had never experienced such kindness. "Um okay," he squeaked. His voice had become shrill for a moment then fell back to normal as he calmed down, "Okay that would be sexy," Cloud paused briefly having chosen his words improperly. "I mean generous of you," he stammered, feeling incredibly small. Okay, I broke the rules again but honestly, that post needed so many repairs, that I had to rearrange the words. He didn't know what a t**t was apparently. Come on, CLOUD? Really, he couldn't come up with something else? ANYTHING ELSE? I agree actually and you didn't really change the meaning of the post, just how it was phrased. It's exactly what I would have done, though I believe you editted it more eloquently
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Posted: Tue Nov 23, 2010 10:14 am
How about not looking like a 12 year old prostitot?
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Posted: Tue Nov 23, 2010 2:29 pm
Wrasynth Ksyamen How about not looking like a 12 year old prostitot? who looks like a 12 year old prostitute? Rose or Jack?
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Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2010 10:16 am
Hmm I can't find much wrong with Jack other than a 24 year old looking like a child but it might have been the style they wanted to go for. If I knew more about the details of the RP I might be able to say more.
Though I'm now interested in what type of relationship Jack has with Wesker given he injected her with a virus and used her. Has she been brainwashed, is she the desperate for approval type, does she follow him because he 'rescued' her? Sees him as a father or lover. I would love to see the bio in more detail I suppose.
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Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2010 12:38 pm
Lady Bern Hmm I can't find much wrong with Jack other than a 24 year old looking like a child but it might have been the style they wanted to go for. If I knew more about the details of the RP I might be able to say more. these were my thoughts as well
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Posted: Wed Dec 01, 2010 8:17 pm
Lovely exercise! I intend to find some fodder and edit some of these for myself! <3
. . . Just, at a later date. xp
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Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2011 11:26 am
. . . and a later date it is! Quote: Character Name: Terry Miles Age: 40 Sex: male Weapons: Mace, handgun, smg Personality: he is almost always serious and responsible. The life of his followers are more important to him then anything. Appearance:  Bio: Miles was a young and successful man, he always been good in everything and was of a wealthy family. Following his father's steps and will, Miles went into the military to become an accomplished soldier hoping to be one day a general like his father but his hoped were crush suddenly when the zombies spawned from everywhere. the fight were thought and hundreds of his friends and followers died during the first encounter. After the fall of the gouvernement and the military he decided to do what was needed for humans to survived and became the leader of a survivor group. Job: Military Quote: Character Name: Aubrey Micheals Age: 23 Sex: Male Weapons: (Up to 3) Aubrey specializes in up-close combat, commonly seen with an axe or machete. But when he can't get his hands on one of those, Aubrey settles for an M16, or lightweight SMG. Personality: Aubrey can be very charming and endearing when he wants something, or if it will get him somewhere. He has a sarcastic and somewhat rude sense of humor once you get past the 'nice' exterior. Aubrey has a great issue with possession and jealousy, if he thinks something is his, it's his. He often doesn't give people the courtesy they deserve, but once they've earned his respect they'll have it forever. Appearance:  Bio: Aubrey grew up with only his mother for company, she was frail and often had a hard time finding work to support the both of them. So, Aubrey took up various jobs as soon as he could, some took him away from his home for periods of time, others he could do from inside his house. Always he sent the checks back to his mom for her to live off of. It was on the night that he was working when it all happened. He'd been outside, collecting the movies from the 'Return' bin when the... "man" had shambled up to him moaning in seeming pain. Then the freak had tried to bite him, like he was some delicious piece of meat- not that he wasn't, but it wasn't right. Being the sensible guy he was, he had shoved the case of 'Bambi' down the thing's throat before turning and scrambling back to his beat up car. Ever since, he's been running from the horde. Job: Video Clerk Sexuality: Straight as a nine-inch pole
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Posted: Tue Aug 23, 2011 12:42 pm
LillianSaire . . . and a later date it is! Quote: Character Name: Terry Miles Age: 40 Sex: Male Weapons: Mace, handgun, smg Personality: He is almost always serious and responsible. The lives of his followers are more important to him than anything. Appearance: Bio: Terry was a young and successful man, he had always been good at everything and was of a wealthy family. Following his father's steps and will, Terry went into the military to become an accomplished soldier hoping to one day be a general like his father but his hopes were crushed suddenly when the zombies spawned from everywhere. The fight was fierce and hundreds of his friends and followers died during the first encounter. After the fall of the governement and the military he decided to do what was needed for humans to survived and became the leader of a survivor group. Job: Military Underlines: changed last name to first Strikes: things that were unneccesary/gary stu-ish (come on, good "in" everything he's done...?) Italics: spelling/grammatical errors I'm not sure what an "smg" is so I didn't know if it needed to be editted. I didn't see anything wrong with the Aubrey Micheals profile. Quote: Naida leened against a tree watching the others move stuff around for a moment. They were in a foresty area. The prefered place for them to always appear at. Though findly a large enough area was the only hard part. Which they ddi. Naida pulled on the strap across her chest and under one arm over the other. Her violin strung across her back in a diagonal way. She would have normaly been playing a little song for the workers but it was alittle to drizzaly for that. She could have used a differnt intrument but she wanted to help out. Stepping forward she quickly picked up the nearest box. A couple noobies warning her that it was heavy while the others who had been there alittle longer said nothing. She wasnt like superman or anything she was just stronger then someone would think of a girl. Also a mucisian to add onto it. It was sterotypical to think a mucisian and a girl was not as strong as others. She carried the box easily enough. It was alittle easy but nothing bad. She went into one of the larger tents and dropped it off. She noticed the twins picking on James. The poor guy. She didnt have too much trouble with the twins. They didnt mess with her instruments becuase they were important to Naida in a way that if damaged would make her upset. The twins didnt realy like makeing people upset in that way. Naida was also the mucisian that played many of the songs the girls would dance to. Those girls were in so many of the acts. She figured having to of them made it alittle easier though. As she went into the tent she noticed people working inside. Getting it fixed up. What she liked about this circus was that it was very old fashion. It made her feel like she was in medival times. She noticed the dare devil and set her box down next to a bunch of other boxes before walking outside again to get more things.
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