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 Posted: Mon Jan 23, 2006 1:03 pm
Can we find the meaning
Of this life that we are leading?
Its intriguing
And misleading
Pointless, or so seeming
We ask, what is the meaning?
Can we catch a gleaming
Of a plan-
Of a hand-
In the threadwork of this land? Any advice would be much appreciated 3nodding
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Posted: Tue Jan 24, 2006 2:00 pm
I think it's a very very good start, just a few tweaks here and there and it'll be great in my opinion...
Good luck!
<3 Kay
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Posted: Thu Jan 26, 2006 2:55 pm
Hey girl, I really like this....I don't always like rhyming, but doing the way you did was great. They say poetry is never finished just put away...when you get to the point where it is as far as you can take it, you'll know..
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Posted: Fri Jan 27, 2006 11:18 pm
I agree, it does have a good rhyme scheme. It doesn't get sing-songy like some poems do. Keep up the good work.
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Posted: Sun Mar 05, 2006 12:24 pm
Ok, here's my opinion.
In the long run, it's pretty good, but the last few lines could use some work. (I didn't really fully understand what they meant xd ) Try picking up that handy thesearus (spel?) and looking for deeper, more descriptive words.
*shrugs*
Or toss it, it's up to you, really.
(by the way, you're missing an apostrophe in the 3rd line)
3nodding
-Sakura
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Posted: Sun Mar 05, 2006 7:19 pm
Drakansa Can we find the meaning
Of this life that we are leading?
Its intriguing
And misleading
Pointless, or so seeming
We ask, what is the meaning?
Can we catch a gleaming
Of a plan-
Of a hand-
In the threadwork of this land? Any advice would be much appreciated 3nodding
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Posted: Wed Mar 08, 2006 3:45 pm
Drakansa Can we find the meaning
Of this life that we are leading?
Its intriguing
And misleading
Pointless, or so seeming
We ask, what is the meaning?
Can we catch a gleaming
Of a plan-
Of a hand-
In the threadwork of this land? Any advice would be much appreciated 3nodding I know everyone else is sayin to change it, but I like it the way it is. I like to think, I don't like to be told what something is about outright, so to me its great.
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Posted: Thu Mar 09, 2006 8:49 am
I liked it! It started off a bit ... bland and I thought "OH GOD NO!!!" but then it sorta got caught up in itself and carried you away with it. It seemed a bit too free verse though ... like you'd need some Jazz playing i the bg or something =)
But it's good, I normally hate poems like that, and I was quite swept away with it's flow. Sorta like when you're in the shower and have a really boring thought, but then think it through to the end and next thing you know 15 mins have gone by!
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Posted: Thu Mar 09, 2006 9:09 pm
Tungska Butterfly I liked it! It started off a bit ... bland and I thought "OH GOD NO!!!" but then it sorta got caught up in itself and carried you away with it. It seemed a bit too free verse though ... like you'd need some Jazz playing i the bg or something =) But it's good, I normally hate poems like that, and I was quite swept away with it's flow. Sorta like when you're in the shower and have a really boring thought, but then think it through to the end and next thing you know 15 mins have gone by!
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Posted: Fri Mar 10, 2006 11:34 am
That gets interesting!
Don't be mean and twist my words! Honestly! I'm normally not very nice! THATS AS GOOD AS I GET!
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Posted: Fri Mar 10, 2006 10:10 pm
Tungska Butterfly That gets interesting! Don't be mean and twist my words! Honestly! I'm normally not very nice! THATS AS GOOD AS I GET!
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Posted: Sun Mar 12, 2006 2:55 pm
Exactly!
Ever noticed that those thoughts always start off really boring like "I wonder why the sky is blue" or "I wonder what I should have for breakfat next" or "I wonder if I slit my wrists, how full would the bath get?"
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Posted: Sun Mar 12, 2006 5:41 pm
Tungska Butterfly Exactly! Ever noticed that those thoughts always start off really boring like "I wonder why the sky is blue" or "I wonder what I should have for breakfat next" or "I wonder if I slit my wrists, how full would the bath get?" yeah or... if i filled the tub with water and sat under it...how long until i'd be choking for air? sweatdrop
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Posted: Sun Mar 12, 2006 9:36 pm
iluvwritin Tungska Butterfly Exactly! Ever noticed that those thoughts always start off really boring like "I wonder why the sky is blue" or "I wonder what I should have for breakfat next" or "I wonder if I slit my wrists, how full would the bath get?" yeah or... if i filled the tub with water and sat under it...how long until i'd be choking for air? sweatdrop tisk, tisk, passive suicide methods, you know I hate indecisive people. If your going to do it, do it. If not, and its one of those cry for help things... why bother going to all the trouble when all you have to do is literally cry for help? ......... Did you know that although more women attempt suicide, more men succeed? why? they use a more sure fire method ie a weapon or rat poison... and why I know this, I have no clue sweatdrop
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Posted: Fri Apr 21, 2006 9:35 pm
i kind of liked it. It could use some polishing and i think you need to expound upon it a little more. but it is a very good start.
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