This is my usual synopsis of the Naruto movie of the year. Sorry in advance for the wall o text. It's worth it, I promise! ^^ Warning: spoilers.



So the movie opens up and they're looking for Sai, resident phallophile. He was on an ink bird and the enemy shot him down with an exploding bird. They quickly find him but are attacked by what seems to be robot enemies- luckily there are three of them so they're made quick work of.

After they've rescued Sai and have taken shelter somewhere in the icy landscape, sakura punches naruto into a wall. Hilarious! She then nags him after revealing he's injured, which her punt into the rock face definitely helped with. Kakashi, looking on then talks to his dead boyfriend, something that by now I'm all but positive is the only thing any of the movie script writers know about his backstory.

The title screen shows up and we go to a scene of Tsunade and Kakashi talking about someone targeting kekkei genkai shinobi. Tsunade says she'll think of something, but Kakashi alludes to something terrible happening in the future. She asks how Naruto and Co are and he says that he's made them check into the hospital, but Tsunade doubts that Naruto will stay there. Kakashi then leaves and goes to look at his bells. Seriously people, learn a new scene. Every freaking movie.

Cut to Naruto dragging Sai out of the hospital while he's still on an IV drip. Who wants BBQ? Shikamaru's paying! So all of the usual suspects are there, they're all getting along great, there's banter. And then Sakura shows up and beats them up.

Back at the hospital, Kakashi pays the two a visit. He hands Sai a guide to a women's heart, and Naruto his bells, asking him to fix them.

Next scene! Oh, the fugally filler villans have arrived, they're being evil, the sky is dark, there's a hologram in sky, they're gonna rip your balls off. Yeah yeah, okay. So this guy named Hiruko is doing a worldwide broadcast saying he's from Konoha and he's the one who has been stealing all of the ninja and taking their bloodline limits. Tsunade declares martial law and we're off.

Then she's on trial for possibly planning a Coup d'etat against the other villages, and it isn't her, and that guy existed but lol he's b& and the wise leader doesn't care just blow up your village if it keeps up and…oh! Garra's here. The exploding bird is back. This time it's exploding rock faces. Then Hiruko is monolouging at us in his evil lair, but I don't care, I'm just wonder what blowing up their village will solve if no one will be hurt.

Back to the movie, Kakashi is dreaming about Hiruko, who decided to take his Sharingan five years ago and he wakes up with a mark on his forehead. So he goes to speak to Tsunade, who forbids him to try to fight Hiruko. He wonders why he's being summoned now of all times. Tsunade discovers that the plot has provided an eclipse to happen in two days and they figure that's why.

A lot of stuff that really doesn't matter happens. Lots of flashbacks, lots of inner monologuing and it feels like I've already seen this movie before. Side note, do people just visit grave sites at night in Konoha? Shikamaru and Kakashi bump into each other whilst visiting different graves and neither thinks twice about it.

Kakashi leaves the village in a stupor, with Shikamaru holding Naruto back. Tsunade declares him- why is Naruto in a straight jacket? Sorry, I was distract by something really stupid. Anyway, Tsunade says he's abandoned the village and to stay away from him henceforth. Naruto's locked up in jail and talk-no-jutsu's Sakura and….oh hell a flashback. Make it stop!! DX Sakura b***h slaps him out of jail, Tsunade's notified about two seconds later and the usual suspects mobilize to go get the two of them back.

While all of this is going on, I wonder where Sai is. He's not there and I don't think he's going to be until he appears from behind the gate after the others hop off. By the way, where's Gaara? He has to show up eventually. There's no way some rocks killed him. He's not an Uchiha.

Hiruko says some more things that I don't care about because he hasn't gotten the mandatory bad guy sympathetic backstory yet. Shika and the others have caught up and he's shadow freezed him. They are going to take Sakura and Naruto back to the village, but Naruto then pulls out the bells from his pockets and TNJ's them into going okay with it. I thought you couldn't move if you were under kage mane, but okay. Then everyone's attacked by the fugly filler characters and off we go on the plot train!

They're being attacked by more freaky looking dogs along with their bondage fetish master, Shino and Kiba get a couple good lines and a fight starts with team 8 at the helm. Two seconds later, Shika and co arrive, using his powers as runner up main character behind Sasuke and we get to see them continue fighting the FFV, who now has a whip.

I don't even know what's going on as everything flies into explosions, but Shikamaru has taken over as the main character and is now ordering Naruto around.Oh! But Sai's back on his ink bird. That's good. And We've ditched 10 for good, but they're gonna off screen battle so I guess that's something?

Aww, Sai's blushing. Turns out he learned from his book that people would be grateful if he showed up to help him. And they all giggle and we cut to action.

Team Gai is fighting a FFV, they're the only team with really good teamwork all things considered. 10 is decent too, but they've got an advantage from their parents. I bet Shino would be really great with one liners. All his appearances seem to be really funny to me for some reason. Despite everything it seems like they're getting their asses kicked until…YES! Jiraya showed up! He came to save Gaara and his troupe of fodder nin, but Gaara had already saved everyone.

Now we're back with Tsunade and we're about to go to war with the sand. There are missiles. Why are there missiles? When did they get missiles? Why do we need to send men out to die when we can nuke the bad guys? Suddenly all of Naruto's cannon technology is thrown away.

But Gaara's tracked Naruto down far away from the fight, that because of some sand Jiraya brought over to them isn't gonna happen. What the hell is going on? Suna should know that even if Gaara died that it wasn't their doing. Anyway, Gaara is fighting Naruto to get him to stop pursuing Kakashi because it's not what he wants him to do in what I'm sure is the best fight of the movie.

Gaara's talk no jutsuing at naruto and then monolouging in a sand ball while naruto tries to find him. Is he gonna get punched in the face again? Yup. He gets punched in the face again.

Back to the peanut gallery, we've all teamed up to take down the FFV's giant demon clay exploding…thing. They don't really explain what it is. They've restrained the thing together and Shika is once again our main character. He catches up with Gaara, who amazingly has no marks of being hit mere minutes later. There's a conversation about why he let him go, and about feelings and Jiraiya's in there somewhere.

By this point we have covered most elements of any given Naruto movie. We are, however, missing three things: Naruto hasn't beaten up a baddie, no one has lost their forehead protectors only to get them back later and Naruto hasn't shouted "SASUKEEEEE!!!". Give it time. It will happen.

Looks like it's crunch time as the last 40 minutes of the movie begin rolling. Naruto is screaming at Hiruko, who is getting ready to flashback his sympathetic story. Alright, so Hiruko was buddies with the Sannin when they were little but there once was an ugly duckling, it's feathers all stubby and brown. And the other birds in so many words said get out of town. Oh yeah, and something about illegal and immoral genetic experiments.

Then there was a flashback and all of a sudden Obito died. Wait, when was this about him? Oh right, the eye. Did we need to see how he got it? It's not really relevant to the plot, but it pads the movie, so it's all good.

Hiruko shows himself and calls Kakashi to him, saying that he is the fifth and final bloodline limit he needs to obtain to be an immortal ninja. He doesn't have a Byakugan. There's some fighting, Naruto and Co get their asses kicked. Naruto's going all iron will. Kakashi has to go become one with him now and assume the crucifix position. Turns out Tsunade's hunch about the eclipse was right. Just once I'd like them to be completely off base. Maybe he just really loves tuesdays or something. Shikamaru is now repeating himself ala Kakashi about protecting the chil'ren! It's all for the Chil'ren! And then Naruto starts to cry and Shikamaru starts to cry and talk-no-jutsu and it's all too much to handle. How come Shikamaru never gets punched in the face? And why is it that whenever people see Naruto's back their minds superimpose their chosen father figure/hero on it? Minato, Jiraiya, Asuma. Maybe there's some kind of subconscious thing that only starts working when they see that swirl on his jacket. Ninja hypnotist?

And hey! It's that guy from the latest chapters of Naruto. So that's where he comes from. Someone mentioned he was from a movie. He's all strung up too (ba-dum bum).

I tune out for about ten minutes, but it seems Kakashi's taken control of Hiruko's body and plans to Mangekyo himself into a different dimension with Hiruko, who has literally blown up like a balloon. Naruto splits the dude open and he manages to catch Kakashi just in time. Kakashi wakes up, Naruto has fixed the bells, the happy music plays. Is it time for Kakashi to be mistaken for a homosexual yet? No…we've still got a villain to fight.

Naruto FINALLY yells at the others to stop being useless and goes off with Kakashi to fight the final boss, leaving them to finish off that exploding clay demon, who's back for another round. When did Gaara get there? Shika figures out his last weakness somehow, and tells Naruto how to beat it before the peanut gallery shows up to finish up the demon thing.

Lasers are fired, Hiruko's bandages are- oh god, put them back! DX He looks like IT and the lead thing from the gorillaz had a baby. Kakashi charges in to finish him with raikiri but it was just as planned and Hiruko absorbs his attack, firing back at him. All of Naruto's hundreds of clones are poofed instantly, as per usual. Naruto rasengans him one more time, but Hiruko can't absorb that. There's a giant explosion and I wonder how the rest of them aren't injured in the crossfire. There's a thousand foot crater now, but Hiruko is still standing and is somehow an adult even though he's been a kid this whole time but he was an adult before but….I dunno. The movie's almost over. Don't question it.

Kakashi rushes over to hear his final words and Hiruko is seeing ghosts of people who are not all dead. They all share a sad moment together, Hiruko looks sorry, Kakashi says something about him being at fault too. Then Hiruko goes "Did I finally make a connection?", squeezes Kakashi's hand and dies. Alright, that was kind of sad.

Now Gaara's back at the battle site and calling off the war. Jiraiya and Tsunade talk about how the group is just like them when they were younger, and Tsunade goes "yeah, I guess we're getting old." Naruto goes to give Kakashi back the bells, even though he could've done that earlier and suddenly flashback. I don't care. Five more minutes.

Hell yeah! "You're just like him." Kakashi goes and smiles, grabbing his bells. And Naruto and the others all get creeped out. Ahahaha! It's funny because they think he's gay!

Annddd, are we done? Yeah, we're done.