|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 9:42 am
Hollow Days and Soulless Nights
Blackened petals fall
from buried caskets.
Ruffled by an unknown breeze,
and landing on your crimson lips.
You ascend once again,
to your sugar coated throne.
You raise your powerless scepter,
and find it is false gold.
Pass your riens to your servent
for your power is wilting.
Open those emerald eyes pretty,
this is the chaos you have made.
Fires burn on ebony wings,
and your firey hair ignites.
Whisper no words to me,
for my ears are closed.
Demons enchanted you love,
they pulled you away to your delight.
Now rejoice you reckless beauty,
for rubies adorn your greying skin.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:46 am
This poem has a deep message and the way you use your words really create an vivid image in the reader's mind. I could see this in a magazine for a national contest. You should consider getting this published. smile
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 4:37 pm
Thank you! That means a lot to me.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 5:39 pm
Untitled Long before our lips touched, or our bodies craved each other's heat, we had found the part of us that we had lost long ago. Our souls kissed on that fateful morning and intertwined. Finally my heart could beat for another, and I was not alone. You were the darkness for my light, the candle for my flame. I was the one that granted you breath, and showed you the heavens. Need I say more? Even as I watch you leave through the night, I need your love. You will be back for you are selfish, and will kill me quicker than any knife will. For you are my heartbeat, My bane, My soul.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 8:18 pm
NotesOnMyPiano Hollow Days and Soulless Nights I really like this one. It's dark. Exactly my taste. heart
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Nov 17, 2010 2:56 pm
Between the written pages Between the characters,
beyond the inked garden,
lays carved into the whispered and written words,
the keys to my soul. Little muse you will most likely see me using. I was going to build on it but I am watching Sweeney Todd and singing along to get ready for the music banquet and it is hard to think when the beautiful and sick lyrics are running through my head.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jan 03, 2011 5:22 pm
NotesOnMyPiano Hollow Days and Soulless Nights
Nice. But it seems (with the exception of the last two lines) that the last two stanzas need a bit of work. They don't flow as nicely as the beginning does, and the imagery isn't as rich. Also, by riens do you mean reins? The second poem seemed a little bit scattered, as if the end didn't match the beginning. The first stanza is beautiful, but the ending was a bit cliched, if still nice. NotesOnMyPiano Between the written pages
Between the characters,
beyond the inked garden,
lays carved into the whispered and written words,
the keys to my soul. It's a nice little stanza. I'd change the third line to "Hung upon the carved and whispered words" or somehow change it to flow nicer. The rest of the poem is very hushes, very soft. The sudden intrusion of the L in lays seems very abrupt and without reason. Perhaps the L might work, but not in combination with the 'ay' sound, which is also fairly harsh. The B in between is also loud, but it's a good lead into the poem, as if bursting into the world you have written, layer by layer. Anyways, good job.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jan 23, 2011 9:33 am
Selenocht NotesOnMyPiano Hollow Days and Soulless Nights
Nice. But it seems (with the exception of the last two lines) that the last two stanzas need a bit of work. They don't flow as nicely as the beginning does, and the imagery isn't as rich. Also, by riens do you mean reins? The second poem seemed a little bit scattered, as if the end didn't match the beginning. The first stanza is beautiful, but the ending was a bit cliched, if still nice. NotesOnMyPiano Between the written pages
Between the characters,
beyond the inked garden,
lays carved into the whispered and written words,
the keys to my soul. It's a nice little stanza. I'd change the third line to "Hung upon the carved and whispered words" or somehow change it to flow nicer. The rest of the poem is very hushes, very soft. The sudden intrusion of the L in lays seems very abrupt and without reason. Perhaps the L might work, but not in combination with the 'ay' sound, which is also fairly harsh. The B in between is also loud, but it's a good lead into the poem, as if bursting into the world you have written, layer by layer. Anyways, good job. Thanks for the critique, the first poem, I really should update it. I noticed that I disliked the last two stanzas event though they are supposed to be the stronger half of the poem, and a lot of revision has gone through them.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
