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 Posted: Sat Nov 13, 2010 10:52 pm
Alright, I`m planning on typing up a story.
I want you girls to critique it. I hate those trolls in the forums, so I`m bringing it here.
Good and Bad critique are accepted. I want to know what you think!
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Posted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 1:19 pm
Okay, first off, I want to put a little background in this story.
It`s about a girl who`s been to many foster homes, many disasters. The agency was about to give up on her, and place her in an orphanage. Then one day, Ms. Archer came in and decided to take her in. Ms. Archer is really nice most of the time, and has two sons.
Now, Kallie slowly falls in love with the older of the two. But things are more complicated than she thinks.
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Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 9:12 pm
The Story Needs a Title, help with that too? ( I`ll update this whenever I can ) Chapter 1
Crunch. Her black shoes hit the pavement, lined with rotting leaves. They fell from the sky, were flung around by the slightest breeze. Autumn leaves were beautiful, until you had to look at the wrinkled brown ones that littered floors. She glared back at the small beige house. It was what she called home, a safe haven, a sanctuary. However much the young girl hated the house, she couldn`t leave. Her agent would be here any moment.
Another foster home has put up with her for two months. Mr. Vicker hates her. The old man was half blind, and couldn`t care for a child, even one who was old enough to do so herself. He was racist and sexist, which did not help Kallie`s current situation. The blonde girl sat down on an old wicker chair outside and awaited the old rickety car carrying Miss Ribald.
Miss Ribald was a tall woman, who always dressed in pant suits, dresses, and high heels. She reminded Kallie of Sarah Palin. Miss Ribald, who would never give out her first name, was definitely not the sharpest crayon in the box, nor the brightest. The woman drove a gray car that was from the 1980s, which was the car that carried her wherever she was to go after a few months.
Kallie was just about to take a nap in the afternoon light when the unmistakable sputtering of a car exhaust pulled up the long winding driveway. The headlights filled her baby blues. Sighing, Miss Ribald exited the car. What was very interesting about her sighs, they were dramatic, her bangs flew up as she exhaled, the necklace placed carefully on her chest flung itself across her breast, what Kallie found most amusing was that she raised both hands, exposing dark sweat marks on her seams, and dropping her arms hard enough for her to take a moment to dust herself off and compose what little sanity she has.
"Kallie!" Miss Ribald scooted her high heels across the driveway, failing to pick the blonde girl up in her arms. She just hugged her instead, pressing the girl against her chest, forcing the acid smell of perfume into her nose.
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Posted: Wed Nov 17, 2010 10:06 am
This needs some working on. I have no problems with your style, but this chapter is far too short to grab attention. It won't get me hooked.
You need to get the reader interested in your character: we need to see more of Kallie, so that we'd want to read more about her.
There are some other minor things that might need fixing.
"Autumn leaves were beautiful, until you had to look at the wrinkled brown leaves that littered floors like these."--repetition is bad, unless it serves some purpose. I don't see anything significant enough about the leaves, so switch the second time you use them for something else, like "ones"?
"Mr. Vicker hates her. The old man was nice, but, he was half blind, and couldn`t care for a child, even one who was old enough to do so herself. He was racist and sexist, which did not help Kallie`s current situation."--If "the old man" is Mr. Vicker, then he does not sound nice. You might want to reconsider using that word.
And could you please use a larger font? It makes reading easier.
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Posted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 5:40 pm
Daiku Maryu:
It is short, I know, and I need to work on it.
Now, I have a question for you, how could I get the reader interested in my character? I kind of flop on the whole "hooking people" thing
Thank you for your constructive criticism. I think most were me going off and not remembering what I was talking about. But I fixed it, thank you for pointing that out.
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Posted: Fri Nov 19, 2010 8:00 am
Try showing why you think she's interesting. Try immitating her thought pattern while writing. Make her do something that while show the reader that she's not just a generic orphan character. And the chapter really needs to be longer: in such a short bit of writing, you just can't fit enough to get a reader hooked.
You can also try thinking of what your favourite writers do. What do they write in the few first pages? What catches your attention there?
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