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Posted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 10:54 pm
Once upon a time there was a boy who yelled to the sun about his baby blanket one day. So the sun beamed back, because what the boy said was mean, and this made the boy sad. Because the boy realized what he had yelled at the sun was mean and rude. So to make up for it, he held out his hand and offered the sun to play with him. So the sun agreed to play with him, to bring up the sun’s mood. But it didn’t go well. For the sun was shy, and the boy did not know how to play with the far away and giant sun. So, the boy and the sun brainstormed together to come up with an idea for what they could play together with one another that would be a fine enough game. And alas they decided to play the game the sun knew of. This game was invented by the Aztec, Mayans, and the What-Nots. Deciding against the game of, “Spot The Saucers”, and “Count The Stars”, they decided to play the last game, the world could play. It was called, “Save The Day Of Catching”. The objet of this game was to catch a shooting star, and keep it under a rock, that has a hole underneath it, and later the next night, send it to the Moon. But before you do, connect a wish to it, or carve it into the wood-like exterior of the star first. Then when it orbits the Moon 25 times, it will be shot back at the Earth, and then another person will receive the star. And you keep collecting wishes on it, and then the game stays fun and never ends. And if you catch it again, your wish will come true. So the Sun caught a star, and handed it to the boy, they each put their wishes on it, and sent it back to the Moon the next night. And after they played this game once, the sun felt better, and the boy did too.
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Posted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 11:10 pm
Interesting little fable/legend/haven't-the-slightest-idea-what-to-call-it smile
Good idea, decent execution and it turned out good overall.
Space the story out a little more. Something about reading a block of text is a little disconcerting and by making it more paragraphs it will appeal to more readers. And I think that that would fix a lot of what I want to complain about the story. (And I complain about a lot of things, I'm not just bagging on your story)
Sentence one - I feel like saying "one day" at the end is a bit redundant.
Sentences 99% of the time don't start with Because or but
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