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 Posted: Sun Oct 24, 2010 8:56 pm
Secrets
I ran with bleary-eyed madness. Fury blinded my sight, sadness ached inside. Didn’t he tell you? The words kept playing over and over with every pound of my heart. Hadn’t I been a good enough friend to him? Hadn’t I been there for him even when he didn’t notice? I’m sorry; I thought he would have told you, Mariyn. The worst part is so did I.
I quickly turned the corner and sprinted towards the splotches of light that peeked through the trees. The rain pounded though the thicket to the creek, our creek. I thought you two were close. I thought so too. We hung out together, ate lunch at the same table at school, we even had our own private creek where we would meet and just talk.
I came to a halt at the foot of the rushing creek and fell onto the pale skin of my knees. I cupped my hands over my tear-blind eyes and cried harder than the rain that pelted the curve of my back. “Mariyn” the words were a feint whisper, but he made sure I heard them. He put them in there, where I could hear every breath he exhaled over the shrilling rain. I quickly turned and was on my feet, staggering back and losing my footing at the edge of the bank. Before the fear of being swept away by the cruel rush of the creek could enter my mind, a strong smooth hand that felt like warm marble clasped my hand and gently swung me around to the other side of the creek’s edge.
Why did you hide this from everyone? Why didn’t you tell someone the truth, anyone? That’s what I wanted to say, but the words that fell in frightened cries from my trembling lips were,
“How could you leave me, Kinta?” He took a step towards me as his lips parted to speak. I took a step back and shouted first. “How could you leave me here alone?” He raised a hand to me as he whispered my name, but I stumbled back into the strong grasp of the willow, our willow.
“Mariyn, if I had a choice I would stay here, with you, but I don’t.” The tears continued to stream endlessly from my eyes as the sky and I cried in unison.
“How could you not tell me?” I said. “It was not my place to tell, just as it is not my place to decide to stay here with you, or bring you with me.” His words sounded far more aged than he was, or than he claimed to be. His golden curls seemed to gleam like the sun through the rain and his emerald green eyes peered through the sheet of rain at me as he took a step closer.
“My family has used their magic for years to keep us hidden, and I blew it, now we have to move. We can’t interfere with people’s normal lives, with your life. We have to disappear and you have to forget.” At that I lifted my eyes in attempted protest, but his lips caught mine in an abrupt silence. I was so young and so inexperienced in love, but the feel of his lips pressing hard against mine at first and then softening to a gentle tease filled my body with an electric bliss that I now realized I had wanted from the beginning.
Everything that had happened began to melt away, laughing at the lunch table, talking at the creek, everything became a blur. We were finally more than friends, and yet, for some reason I couldn’t remember why it felt so bitter sweet.
His voice came as a soft raspy whisper, “I love you, Mariyn. If only we had more time together…” His lips brushed against mine once more as his arms gathered my waist into a strong embrace. I began to wonder if he were much older than his appearance let on, but I dismissed the thought and let my arms mechanically lock around his neck. “I love you Kinta,” I whispered through parted lips, and he seized the opportunity to trace the inside of my lips with his tongue. Past blurred with present which blurred into nothing, but my lips pressed to his. I had no recollection of why I had even been upset. His kisses washed away everything and the rain kept pouring.
All too soon he pulled away, our faces still close, our bodies intertwined, our breaths falling harder than the rain. “I love you Mariyn…” Whose voice had I just heard? I wondered just as he said, “And now you must forget.”
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Posted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 7:56 pm
Critique time! biggrin Pointers first:
Since this is a short story, I would like to think that the elements symbolize something. Running in the rain...it's been used many times. I feel as if this isn't a short story, but as an excerpt of a longer work, since you've established a lot of specifics. At the end, it really doesn't have a message for the reader.
Positives: You sentence structure seems sound. Interesting descriptions, and you keep the same tense throughout and you've got minimal mechanical errors. Good job! C:
Negatives: Any story must have a theme. There really isn't one here, which is why I've drawn the conclusion that it can't stand on its own as a short story. To break it down further:
Plot: It's a girl running away from a guy. They get together. They can't be together. He has to go. He goes. It's implied that she'll lose her memory of their affair.
Setting: The woods. In the rain. By a creek.
Theme: I can't say much here.
Characters: Mariyn and Kinta. They're fairly flat, since the events don't really give them any chance to develop.
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Conclusion: It was a "meh" kind of piece. It didn't have a message, just events. I suggest elaborating on it. Expand it to the "party hat of death" (A.K.A. the famed "plot diagram", which has the exposition, rising action, climax, falling action and resolution.) You don't need all of the parts to have a story, as long as you've got a theme. That's my main issue with this piece, the lack of a theme. It's not bad, but still...eh. Not that great either. However, it's got potential.
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Posted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 9:16 am
Chayce West Critique time! biggrin Pointers first: Since this is a short story, I would like to think that the elements symbolize something. Running in the rain...it's been used many times. I feel as if this isn't a short story, but as an excerpt of a longer work, since you've established a lot of specifics. At the end, it really doesn't have a message for the reader. Positives: You sentence structure seems sound. Interesting descriptions, and you keep the same tense throughout and you've got minimal mechanical errors. Good job! C: Negatives: Any story must have a theme. There really isn't one here, which is why I've drawn the conclusion that it can't stand on its own as a short story. To break it down further: Plot: It's a girl running away from a guy. They get together. They can't be together. He has to go. He goes. It's implied that she'll lose her memory of their affair. Setting: The woods. In the rain. By a creek. Theme: I can't say much here. Characters: Mariyn and Kinta. They're fairly flat, since the events don't really give them any chance to develop. ---------- Conclusion: It was a "meh" kind of piece. It didn't have a message, just events. I suggest elaborating on it. Expand it to the "party hat of death" (A.K.A. the famed "plot diagram", which has the exposition, rising action, climax, falling action and resolution.) You don't need all of the parts to have a story, as long as you've got a theme. That's my main issue with this piece, the lack of a theme. It's not bad, but still...eh. Not that great either. However, it's got potential. wow awesome critique! ^^ actually, i wrote this story for someone else and they gave me a general "scenario" to write on...but i would like for u to critique an original short story. i posted it under "an untitled short story" in this subforum. u gave a thorough critique, thanks! :3
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