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 Posted: Sun Oct 24, 2010 8:01 pm
Thump, thump, thump, thump. I stared down at my feet as I walked; listening to the soft plastic bottoms of my sneakers as they connected to the cracking gray sidewalk. I wasn’t completely sure where I was going at 2:00 a.m. on a Tuesday, but I supposed it didn’t matter, to me or to anyone else.
It was my fault really; I was too quiescent for my own good. The thriving, vital, masses of society rejected my stoic nature and pushed me out. Not that they had ever stated outright that I should leave, but they didn’t have to. I may be quiet but I’m not stupid, and I’m not one to stay where I’m unwanted. So I left, not out of anger or resentment or some kind of teenage fantasy of rebellion, but because it really was the best thing for all involved.
All was still where I walked; the only noises reverberating through the night were the echoes of my feet hitting the pavement, and the soft sound of my breathing. The normal chatter of alley cats and hobos digging through the trashcans were gone as well, and their absence left me alone in a world of pure silence.
Because I was the only one there, I was the only one who saw it.
I felt its head connect with the toe of my sneaker before I actually saw it, but when I did see it and realized what it I had to stop myself from screaming.
It was a body. A dead body. A recently dead body.
I stumbled back, almost falling but somehow managing to catch myself in time.
I could feel my heart beating out of my chest and my palms were sweaty, but slowly I regained my composure and took a step forward, leaning down so I could look at it in the face.
I pushed a stray strand of hair behind my ear and looked at it, really, honestly looked at it, trying not to judge based upon the state of his condition.
And he was beautiful.
It has been said by more than a few people that a dead body is the most frightening thing in the world. That people you thought you knew were completely changed, unrecognizable in death, ugly, scary, disturbing.
But I had never seen him in life; I had only seen him this way, and to me he was beautiful. Soft black lashes caressed white cheeks and slightly parted lips waited to speak his last goodbyes.
I glanced up at the building above us. It was a long fall, and I wondered if he had died instantly.
I looked back down at him for a moment, his legs were bent almost all the way backwards and blood caked the back of his head, making his once light brown hair turn a kind of auburn color that I couldn’t help but think was pretty.
Slowly, hesitantly, with shaking hands and a rapidly beating heart, I reached out and touched his face. It was cool, but not cold, the afterimage of his life still remaining, even though he must’ve been dead for at least ten minutes.
Before I could stop myself I began to run my hand down his face, brushing across his nose, and his eyes, and his lips, as though trying to feel what his life used to be like through the angles of his face.
Was he popular? Well liked? Did he have a girlfriend? A family? Or was he like me? Jumping off a rooftop at 2:00 a.m. on a Tuesday because it didn’t matter to him, or to anyone else.
“I wish I could have met you ten minutes ago,” I whispered; my voice hoarse and unwelcome in the silence of the night,
“We could’ve run away together.”
And before I could really think about the implications of the act, I gently placed both hands on his cold cheeks, and pressed my lips to his.
It was my first kiss, and as I slowly pulled away from him I liked to think that it was his first as well.
I stood up, my legs hurting from kneeling for so long, and I looked down at him one last time.
“It’s nice to know that you existed,” I said.
And then I walked away, continuing on my aimless journey without looking back.
I was alone at 2:00 a.m. on a Tuesday morning. But I wasn’t the only one.
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Posted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 8:04 pm
That was very well written. That's really all I've got to say. I thought it would be typical, pansy puppy love, but it was kind of morbid. Interesting, and it broke the mold.
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Posted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 10:54 pm
Chayce West That was very well written. That's really all I've got to say. I thought it would be typical, pansy puppy love, but it was kind of morbid. Interesting, and it broke the mold. the title was kind of meant to be ironic, but i wonder if i should change it so that people won't shy away from it......
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Posted: Wed Dec 01, 2010 10:14 am
I'd like to say with the utmost honesty and sincerity that this was an excelently developed character. I'll admit, I was a little hesitant towards the feeling you started out with in this story, but it absolutely turned out for the best. The way your main character started out, I thought this was going to be an angsty teen rant. That's not necissarily a bad thing if it's worked into a good story. In this case, the opening angst worked towards developing your character. You painted an excellent picture of an average teen entering the story without coming out with a flat character in the end.
Another thing I think you did excelently is that you came up with a plot twist without it seeming un-motivated, like it was just thrown in there for effect. I appreciate that you had the person have a normal reaction to a dead person to begin with. I can't tell you enough how huge a difference it made that you gave the character a normal reaction to a dead person before you did something so taboo as that.
Now for something you might consider is in the opening. The fact that there was little scenic detail was a good thing as it emphasized how this person was zoning out as she walked, however it does not quite catch the reader's attention or really match the writing style of the rest of the work. The rest of the work seems a more romantiscized tone where as the opening seems a bit less sophisticated. You might want to play around with openings for this piece.
While I am suggesting to change the opening of the work, I think it works amazingly just as it is. However, if I were to change anything about this work, it would be the opening. One thing I would take caution with when altering this work is to keep the sense of a normal teenager in the opening and the romantiscized feel of the rest of the work. I think that perfect transition is my personal favorite part of this work.
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Angles and Dangles Captain
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Posted: Wed Dec 01, 2010 7:19 pm
Life is short-I am not I'd like to say with the utmost honesty and sincerity that this was an excelently developed character. I'll admit, I was a little hesitant towards the feeling you started out with in this story, but it absolutely turned out for the best. The way your main character started out, I thought this was going to be an angsty teen rant. That's not necissarily a bad thing if it's worked into a good story. In this case, the opening angst worked towards developing your character. You painted an excellent picture of an average teen entering the story without coming out with a flat character in the end. Another thing I think you did excelently is that you came up with a plot twist without it seeming un-motivated, like it was just thrown in there for effect. I appreciate that you had the person have a normal reaction to a dead person to begin with. I can't tell you enough how huge a difference it made that you gave the character a normal reaction to a dead person before you did something so taboo as that. Now for something you might consider is in the opening. The fact that there was little scenic detail was a good thing as it emphasized how this person was zoning out as she walked, however it does not quite catch the reader's attention or really match the writing style of the rest of the work. The rest of the work seems a more romantiscized tone where as the opening seems a bit less sophisticated. You might want to play around with openings for this piece. While I am suggesting to change the opening of the work, I think it works amazingly just as it is. However, if I were to change anything about this work, it would be the opening. One thing I would take caution with when altering this work is to keep the sense of a normal teenager in the opening and the romantiscized feel of the rest of the work. I think that perfect transition is my personal favorite part of this work. thank you for your feedback! biggrin I had a really hard time with the opening to be honest (always do *sigh*) it took me days to figure out how to start it but only two hours to write the rest of it. reading it again i can see what you mean...... I'll have to think about that. if i am ever bored I'll come back to it, but otherwise I think I'll just keep your suggestion in mind for future stories. XD
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Posted: Thu Dec 02, 2010 3:10 pm
I think Life is short-I am not just said it all; I don't have much to add to that except that when I finished reading it I said "Holy crap."
Loved every word of it. Absolutely.
As for the title... Yes, it's ironic. You got that down. I don't think you should change it, because it fits in with the mood you're making here so well. If people shy away from it, that's their loss.
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